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Ask the Counselor (Counseling Session)

Hannah Morris
26 February, 2018

Salamu ‘alaikum dear brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.

Monday, Feb. 26, 2018 | 13:00 - 14:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

I am a Muslimah. I have made a friend, a boy, a few years older than me through text. We both are in our twenties. I do not know how he got my number. He says his name is Sami, but I found out, later on, he has a Hispanic first and last name. We started talking everything was okay. A few weeks later, he was asking for a lot of stuff. One, it was his birthday, I ended up giving him an expensive gift. Second, he was in trouble with the police, I ended up giving the large amount of cash that he promises to pay back but didn’t. He didn’t have a job at that time because he was fired from his last, so I help him to take this certain test to enter this job. You’re probably thinking that do I like this guy very much that I’m helping him? The answer is no. I never loved or liked that guy. The only thing I’ve ever said to him was that I cared about him because his dad has left his mom. Neither did I gave him all that amount of money because I cared about him except for the police part. It was demanded from that guy by making these believable stories that I thought to be true. There were times where instead of me being really mean to him and say something like getting out no I’m not helping you, I made excuses as to not help him. Showing him other ways to get money, making excuses saying that I’m busy. But he noticed my weakness which is anger he really made me angry and I ended up giving him the money. During those months of helping him and as much as I can. It was never enough for him. I was called really mean names such being called fake, liar and a user. A second and last thing I want to say is that this person made me do Zina because Someone has told him to do so. I won’t lie I did some bad things with him through text two times. Through text, he told me he wanted to have intercourse with me and I said no I can get pregnant. He convinced a few times more and I’ve told him I’m in my monthly thing. He ignored that. He told me how I was this and that how I’m making excuses, all that kind of thing to make me feel really bad. After a while of making excuses not to see him, I ended up meeting him. I’m not going to tell the details of course but I would say that I shake my head no meaning I didn’t want to do it before we started the intercourse. The intercourse was painful because it was my first. During the activity, I was like I’m feeling tired and he says to me no I’m not. There were times where I pushed him away due to the pain he stopped for few seconds and did it again. Next day he had asked me was the intercourse special. So I responded no it was not special. He got angry and told me that the reason why he did that act was that someone told him to. He said that guy told him that I was a virgin. He said to me I don’t care if it’s for the money what I gave to you was something special. I said why he had done it he said he likes to have intercourse with virgin girls. I’m in a situation where I am completely speechless and lost. I blocked him on all social media. The problem is with a text message. He contacts me with different numbers trying to talk with me. He says he has made a mistake. He says he wants to have a future with me. I forgot to mention that I am not pregnant because we used protection. I don’t really like this guy at all! I went through anxiety and emotional abuse because of how much he disrespected me. I did repent to Allah (SWT). I ask him if he really wants me did you ask God for forgiveness he said no. I told him let’s get married because we both did Zina and he also has said that too. So then he said no we are going to do our way. This person is confusing me. I think I deserve someone better. My question is to you, should I marry someone who hasn’t committed Zina? I know you're not supposed to expose your sins but in my case, I feel that I’ve been sexually assaulted..should I tell my future husband that? The boy who I did Zina with now wants to talk with me and meet him but I feel uncomfortable to see him.



Assalamu alaikum wa  Rahmatullah wa barakatuh sister,

 

I believe that what I am reading here is abuse, both physical and psychological. It sounds like the sex was nonconsenting on your part also, therefore also constituting sexual abuse. This man too advantages of your vulnerabilities and abused you and you are now left dealing with the consequences.

 

Report the abuse

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Based on your reports, this could be classed as rape and harassment and it is therefore recommended that you report this to the police. They will be able to support you by protecting you from this man and pressing charges if necessary. It will also help to keep him away from bothering you further. You do not have to meet with this man again as he desires. If you report his crimes, then this should prevent him from pressing you further to meet up.

 

Learn from your mistakes

We all make mistakes, but the most important thing is not the fact that a mistake was made, but how we deal with it. You were unfortunately lured into committing zina and from the methods in which this man tempted you, you can learn to never respond to messages from non-mahram males in case something like this happens. Instead, you can either chose to completely ignore such messages from the very start so as not to even get involved in any way or ask a mahram to intervene or be present with you during all such interactions until a relationship is made halal between you (I .e. through marriage).

 

Seek marriage elsewhere

After this ordeal, it might be a while before you even desire to get married. If this is the case then don’t be afraid to take some time out to yourself to get over the abuse that you have been through and get yourself psychologically fit to face marriage.

 

When you are ready to settle down and get married to someone it is your choice whether you disclose these facts to any potential suitor or not. It is a big deal, and maybe you won’t feel comfortable to talk about it, but do also contemplate whether hiding it from him will impact your ability to develop a full and meaningful relationship with him, especially as the events were a results of poor treatment from another man which may hinder your ability to trust again. However, there are men that may judge you from what happened and therefore disclose these events may prevent some men from even wanting to marry you in the first place. On the other hand, however, this will help you immediately to determine who is judging you based on that experience and who desires to marry you for who you are. There are men that will understand your situation, forgive you and even support you in overcoming any ongoing difficulties. However, there are also many who want ad you would need to be patient in finding someone like this.

 

May Allah grant you healing and a spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

 

Salaam Alaikum. I am a young Muslim who will be getting married very soon in sha Allah. When I met my future wife I met her in the local mosque where she and I did charity work for the sake of Allah. We got into contact with each other after a joint project of brothers and sisters in the mosque. After some time talking we decided to meet up at a crowded place to keep it as halal as possible and to learn about one another; our goals, ideas, and inspirations in life. Everything clicked immediately and to be honest I fell in love with her very quickly. She was and still is the first girl I ever met and ever contacted with for marriage. She fell in love with me too and confessed she had a desire to marry me as she and I both agreed that our Islam was sufficient for each other. After a month or 2, she confessed that she committed sexual oral activities in her former relationship with a guy. At first, i accepted this and could really see the hurt and extreme shame in her eyes about her past. I believed in the Rahma of Allah and accepted the situation at that time. Now as time is passing by and the day for marriage is coming closer I am truly hunted by visions about her past and I have to confess with shame that sometimes in the deepest part of my heart I look down upon her for having acted so blindly when she did. She was 18 years old and told me she was being fooled by fake love and by an older person than her. Yet sometimes I feel many of the intimate relationship moments like the first kiss and first touch between a man and a woman have been taken away from me. Many times I have considered canceling the marriage but I truly care for her and want to become a better person by forgiving her. When I ask myself have you forgiven her my answer is yes but I am sometimes still hunted by these visions of what she did and what she told me. I am so mad that she told me about it but I don't want to lose her over this. I am so scared that people will find out about what she deeds in the past and what people might think of me and her. I just care to much about her and really want this marriage to work. Please, can you give prophetic, spiritual and psychological advice on dealing with this dilemma of mine? I have read so many forums and websites but this just doesn't stop and I worry about our future.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,

 

Masha Allah, you have found a potential spouse that seems to tick almost all the boxes for you, however, there is one flaw that she revealed to regarding her sexual history that is causing you doubt about whether to proceed with this marriage or not.

 

Forgive and forget, or move on

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Ultimately, in this situation you are faced with the choice to either forgive this woman for her shortcomings and move on with the marriage without reference to this incident anymore, or, if you feel you cannot forgive her and forget about this incident then you might be better leaving this potential marriage and looking elsewhere. In an ideal world, she would have been completely pure for you, but she is not. If you cannot accept this and move on from it, then it will be something that will continue to plague you into the marriage. This will make it difficult for you to bond with her and form marital relations if such thoughts remain on your mind. This could jeopardize the success of your marriage.

 

Think of your own shortcomings

Remember too, that you also have your own shortcomings, that might interfere with your ability to be the perfect husband also. These are things that she too will have to accept if the marriage is to be successful. Marriage requires compromise on both sides and therefore understand that she will be making these compromises as much as you are. Asking for forgiveness for your own sins can help to soften your heart towards the sins of others.

 

Focus on the positives

Although the act that she committed is disliked to you, there are also some positives that can be drawn from this. Firstly, the fact that she was open and honest with you from the very start is a sign of a good character. It was not obligatory for her to share this information with you, but she chose to be open with you and tell you, perhaps for fear it may come up later once married. If she can be this honest with you before the marriage has begun when she didn’t need to be then this is a good sign that she will continue to be a good honest woman in the marriage also. Furthermore, you state that she is clearly repentant for her actions and feels ashamed of it. Again, this is reassuring that her character is good that she feels ashamed of her sins. This sense of shame will be a good protective factor for her in that it is unlikely that she has or will do such a thing again to avoid such terrible feelings. Everybody makes mistakes at some point. The most important thing is not the mistake itself, but how the person deals with it; whether they deny it, avoid it, or confront it and seek forgiveness as this lady has and is the best approach when it comes to overcoming such sins.

 

Pray istikhara

None the less, it’s still a very important decision for you to make and one that you need to be very sure of before taking the next step to either marry her or walk away. Therefore, it is highly recommended that you pray istikhara. Let Allah guide you to make the decision that is best for you and most pleasing to Him. As you continue to pray istikhara Allah will either guide you on a path in favor of the marriage, or put obstacles in the way of proceeding, either in your heart or physically.

At the end of the day, it is your choice whether you proceed with this marriage, but do ponder these points carefully and pray istikhara before making your decision.

May Allah grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

 

Asalaamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu my Brother / Sister. Since a couple of years, I’m going through a tough phase of my life maybe Allah(swt) is not happy with me. I have committed sin many of the times I believe and I keep praying for Allah’s forgiveness. I usually pray Salah(not 5 times) maybe that is the case Allah (SWT) is angry on me and my work is not going as per plan. Something inside me is not going accordingly. I don’t know how to say it in words. Nothing is working fine with me. My higher studies plans are dropped, Planned for immigration dropped something is stopping me not to proceed further in life. Why is this happening? Recently, I fall in love with a girl and I proposed her for marriage but it was too late, as only a few days are left for her marriage and I Can’t do anything to stop. She isn’t happy either with the marriage but for family sake she compromised. Why is Allah(SWT) not helping me out? Why am I not get what I desperately needed “A love” “A life” “A good living life”. Currently, Alhamdullilah I have everything whatever Allah(SWT) has provided me. I thank him (Allah) always. But we humans need more. I’m still not settled down in my life that’s the case I’m still single/not married. Would you please suggest or motivate or guide me what to do and what not. I’m living a confused life. JazakhAllah khairun, May Allah(SWT) keep all of you healthy and with best of the knowledge to guide us(others) as per our beloved prophet(S.A.W)’s way. InShaAllah. Aameen!..



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,

 

It seems that you are content with your blessings from Allah, but feel that you are missing that one final piece to bring ultimate happiness in this life; a spouse. Unfortunately, the chance that you had did not work out and you fear this may be a punishment as you do not pray 5 times a day ad you know you should.

 

Pray 5 times a day

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The first thing you should do based on the information you present is to work on making sure to pray 5 times a day. We know that this is an obligation and therefore is something that you must do. You will find that as you come to complete this obligation daily, you will find other improvements in your life generally as you experience a sense of positivity and closeness to Allah.

 

Spend time with other like-minded brothers

Being in the company of good friends will enable you to feel more connected to your Deen and more encouraged to remain on top of your obligations. Furthermore, they might be able to be of assistance to you in finding a spouse as they can ask within their own circles if there are any sisters seeking a husband. Generally, they will also be able to provide you with the support that will make things easier for you emotionally also.

 

Whatever happens is by the will of Allah

Even though you might feel right now that certain things are escaping you, understand that if Allah has written something for you, it will happen. Likewise, if it’s not for you then it won’t happen. Sometimes it can be difficult to accept these things when it’s something that we really desire. However, it is necessary to be confident in Allah’s plan. He is a better planner than all of us and knows best. Increasing your obligatory prayers and getting closer to Him will help you to appreciate this more. At the very least, if you still feel like this is a punishment, then be thankful that the punishment is in this life and not the next. However, what is more likely is that Allah has better plans for you if only you will remain faithful and patient.

 

May Allah grant you contentment in this life and the next and may He grant you a righteous spouse when the time is right.

Hi. My parents lie but very loving. In 2017 march I made two female best friends but kept it hidden from them since I wanted to wait for sometime before telling it to them. One of my besties was a girl whom i had a crush on a few years back and the other was a stranger..gradually i fell in love with the other..and was equally attached to both of them..but i was bever rude to the one i knew a lil before than the other..when i confessdd that i love to the other bestfriend..she told me she doesnt want any relationship and is more keen on loving as bestfriends and if our love is real so then we would be married..eventually i told my aunt about her and my aunt loved her and talks to her and said that u guys can get married in future but now just be this way..but otherwise no gf bf..so i understood her point aswell..we three finally met aswell .. three were good all of a sudden the frst bestie left us..and i never knew why and she got new friends she keeps talking to..so then i ws frstrated and broken as why to she left me..and amidst all this the one whom i confessd to love stood by me..she managed to handle me..and to talk we secretly decided to meet up again..since we couldnt do much to meet openly we met at a market and it kind of helpd..but again it waa very frustrating..because it was jst a short amount of time but it helped..i surprised her unknowingly outside her buildg and wantd to meet her..whereas she pleaded not to and i was stubborn..finally i went in and did talk ti her forsometjme before leaving..since the building wasnt safe and someone ws coming..i ended up gojng to her house..it ws both of us..and i was sharing my fears and she was telling me about how we should m9ve on and leave her..i then took a few swlfies before leaving..some pictures were misleading from truth and i did delte themand that was the last tym we met anf it was decided..now all of a sudden my dad ends up seeing all the pictures in the google back up and all those i loveus we shared i mean we three..those screenshots..flirts..pictures..edits..everythkng and even the selfie i took at her house and he was hurt and broken..and angry..finally it got sorted as he explained that what i did was wrojg and i should focus on my career etc..and stuff and i do feel bad about it..in all this when she came to know about it she called my father and talked to him to be honest that we werent doing anything wromg but had jst met..basically all this happend due to my stupidity as she dint mess up like this..now the thing is that despite she always being there for me..helping me..loving me etc..she is the one only who is there for me..i am rude to her..i cut her off..i ignore her but i go behind the first bestfriend who left us..that is very bad..and she is still there beside me..what do i do..



Wa Alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,

 

It is clear here that your friendships with these girls have caused many difficulties along the way, from affecting your friendships with others, to relations with your own family (your dad) after they found out about these relationships.

 

Avoid lone contact with non-mahram females

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From your experience, it is possible to see how being alone with females that you are not the mahram of can cause problems. Islamically, we are advised against being in situations like this without someone else present and I think you can see why this is the case as it can cause problems.

 

Satisfy your needs the halal way

If you have strong desire to fulfill your needs that come with having a spouse, then quite simply you could seek marriage at this point. Whilst not necessarily ideal since you are young and haven’t yet completed your studies, it is still possible. This way you will not be tempted to seek friendships that will not be good for you as you will be able to openly have a friendship and develop the close relationship that you desire in a halal way. Perhaps this is something you could discuss with your father.

 

Fast

It is said from Islamic sources that if one has desires that can only be fulfilled correctly through marriage, such as those achieved as a result of having close girlfriends as you have, but you are unable to get married that you should fast as a means to control these desires. Therefore, if it is not possible for you to marry at this point then you might consider fasting as a means to refrain from acts that are not permissible such as being alone with any of these girls. It is also a means of increasing God-consciousness which will lead you to make better decisions that will be more pleasing to Him.

 

Seek friendships the halal way

Keeping in mind that contact with these females is causing problems for obvious reasons at the moment, if it is not that you are seeking marriage to them then you should really avoid being with them anyway. However, naturally humans are social beings and we need social contact with others to remain psychologically healthy. You can obtain this by seeking friendship with others in a more permissible way, I. E. with other brothers. Therefore, it is recommended that you seek friendships with brothers rather than sisters. You might seek such friendships in groups with shared interests, or at the local mosque for example as starting points.

May Allah guide you on the straight path and grant you a righteous spouse when the time is right.

Assalamu Alaikum. I am 23 year old female struggling with her studies due to ocd. I have been diagnosed with it 8 years ago, still taking medication, sometimes I feel very lost and feel like Allah is punishing me, I wasn't a very pious Muslim, my memory is also not the same anymore.I was a brilliant student, I see as if my clothes r torn, I see this, I see faeces whenever I get in contact with small kids, I am getting better day by day but without medicines, everything seems out of control, my doctor says that it's not hallucinations.its my brain playing tricks on me,I feel that I need a halal romantic relationship.why is my feeling so strong,will I ever be normal again,in the past ,I used to panic that I had a dreadful disease very often etc, obsessed over religion, felt like I was not a Muslim, now in contact with one of the best doctors, currently taking vendep, cipralex, aripip, zexa, rivotril.



Wa Alaikum salaam wa Rahmatullah wa barakatuh sister,

 

It really does sound like this diagnosis of OCD is quote severely affecting your life to the point that it is affecting your studies and your Deen. Alhamdulilah, you have sought medical assistance and are taking some medication to control some of your symptoms and you are seeking assistance to find other ways to manage ongoing symptoms also.

 

Seek refuge from Shaytaan

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It is often said that the symptoms of OCD are a result of Shaytaans whispers. The very fact that these symptoms are causing you to have troublesome thoughts about being a Muslim is evidence that perhaps this could be the case here. Therefore, much of the advice from an Islamic perspective in managing you OCD focus on finding ways to protect yourself from Shaytaan.

 

Remember Allah often

One of the best ways to keep Shaytaan away is to always keep Allah in mind. Firstly and most importantly, this will come from completing your obligatory duties such as praying 5 times a day. However, it is also important to incorporate remembrance into other aspects of your daily routine so that Allah is always on your mind. Remember Allah with all that you do, fill your free moments with other acts of worship, such as dhikr, or reading Quran.

 

Confront your fears and challenge your beliefs

From a psychological perspective, many therapists tackle issues with OCD by encouraging their clients to Confront any fears they have as a means to challenge the beliefs that they have. So, for example, in your case, allowing yourself to be around children rather than avoiding contact with them will allow you to face your anxieties around the thoughts of faeces and with this contact, you will see that in fact there are no faeces there at all. This will help you to develop a tolerance around such anxious thoughts and that even if you take no protective measures against the faeces that you see, you will be ok and you won’t get sick and helps to challenge the false reality that you currently live in. Afterall, what’s the worst that could happen even if these children were covered in faeces? If you are able, it is recommended that you get the assistance of a therapist who will be able to work with you using techniques such as these.

 

Remain persistent

Alhamdulilah, you report that things are getting better for you which is great but you must not use this as an excuse to become complacent. Remain persistent with your medication and managing your symptoms from both an Islamic and psychological perspective to avoid experiencing a relapse. It is hard work but is all part of the prolonged recovery process.

 

May Allah protect you from these ongoing intrusive thoughts that you have and grant you a full recovery from your symptoms.

My younger brother has sadly passed away at the age of 31 on 3rd February. It was a sudden death, very shocking for the whole family. My brother was epileptic, on a rare occasion he would have seizure attack, otherwise, generally, he was a fit and healthy person, doing his day to day job. It happened one night when he decided to stay at his friend’s house. He slept in a separate room where no one was there. The following day his friend found him facing on the floor dead. Doctors say that it is possible that he may have had a seizure attack, they are still investigating the case. His funeral took place last week. Although I know that Allah decrees Death, I feel like as an elder brother I should have done much more from my side, like being there for him like, phoning him to come home. I have been very heartbroken and depressed since he was living with me for the last 6 months. How can I relieve my depression?



Wa Alaikum salaam was Rahmatullah wa barakatuh brother,

Inna lilahi wa inna ilayhi rajioon. From Allah we came and to Him we return. Sorry to hear about your very recent bereavement. May Allah bring ease to you and your family during this difficult time.

Coming to terms with the death of a loved one can be a very difficult and enduring process. Whilst Islam protects us from falling into despair as a result of such tests, many people will still go through difficulties adjusting after the death of a loved one. It is very common that, like in your case, people will become distressed over the feeling that there was something they could have done to prevent the death.

 

Acceptance

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Firstly, you need to try and shed the guilt. As you know, you need to keep in mind that Allah had already appointed your brothers time, and there was really nothing more that you could have done to prevent his death. Even if you had been there, he still would have passed at the same time as he did. This will form a part of the process of acceptance that you will need to pass through as you allow yourself to experience and overcome the grief.

 

Remember the positives

Rather than focusing on the negatives of the situation, instead spend time cherishing the positive moments you had together. The times you laughed together, had fun together, the things you learned from him..etc.. You may also find this distressing also, but this approach is more conducive to overcoming the current grief you are experiencing. You might even find it useful to do this with other family members so that you can relive these positive and joyous moments together appreciating the blessings that you experienced having him in your life for an appointed time. This will be useful for both you and them too.

 

Have patience

Your brother’s death is still very recent. The grieving process can take a long time to work through as you face the process of acceptance and adjustment. Overcoming the grief you are facing will not be a quick process.  It will take time to process everything so if, in some months time, you are still feeling down, know that this is perfectly normal. The process can take a long time to pass through.

 

Find solace in the remembrance of Allah

During difficulties like this, people sometimes find themselves straying from the path when actually this is the most important time to keep Allah closer. It is thought the remembrance of Allah that your heart will find rest during these difficult times. Instead of focusing on shaytaans whispers of ‘what if?’, keep close to Allah by remembering as much as possible, praying for your brother and crying to Allah for Him to come to your aid during this difficult time.

 

May Allah make things easier for you that you will find peace in His remembrance as you learn to accept and adjust to the situation, by doing things such as remembering the positives and being patient with the whole process.