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Anxiety, Depression, & General Mental Health

Hannah Morris
13 November, 2016

Dear Brother/Sisters,

We’re glad to announce that Ask the Counselor section is going to hold its next counseling live session on November 15th at 09:30 GMT/ 12:30 Makkah time.

If you have any question related to fears, depression, mental health in general, or else, feel free to submit it during the session on this page or send it beforehand to [email protected]

The service is completely anonymous!

Tuesday, Nov. 15, 2016 | 12:30 - 14:30 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

As-Salamu Alaykum sister. I'm really stressed about a problem. I am a 20 years old girl and I am in love with a Sikh man, however he doesn't believe in any religion, not even Sikhism which he was born into. He is willing to revert to Islam for me. After he reverts to Islam, is it permissible for me to marry him as he would be Muslim officially? If so, how do I revert him to Islam? What if my parents don't believe that he has reverted for me? We both truly love each other, but I know even if it is allowed in Islam to marry him, my parents will still disagree with it. My cousins, sisters and everyone tell me to leave him, but I can't. Everyone says to me that a Muslim girl can't marry a revert. Is it true?



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam sister,

 

It can be very distressing when you desire to marry someone but there seem to barriers that might make it difficult.

 

In this case, the first thing to remember is that we are all born in a state of fitrah. We are all born as Muslims, but it is only under the influence of our family or those around us that take us away from this innate predisposition to Islam and become a Christian or a Sikh..etc. Therefore, that the man that you wish to marry, who has said he would like to convert to Islam, is therefore just seeking to go back to his original state. This is commonly why the word “revert” is used, as opposed to “convert” as someone who chooses to become a Muslim is, in fact, just reverting back to the Deen in which they were actually born.

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Based on this, of course, if he has accepted Islam, then it is permissible for you to marry. If he was not a Muslim, then this would not be permissible as a Muslim woman is not permitted to marry a non-Muslim man. This is because the child will generally be raised under the religion of their father and, therefore, would result in a child being raised in the wrong way.

 

However, it is also important to note that if he is reverting for you, then he is not doing so for the sake of Allah (swt). In order to confirm his commitment to Islam and reenter the fold of Islam again, the most basic level he needs to accept is that Allah (swt) is the one and only God and Muhammad (saw) is the last and final messenger by saying the Shahada. If this is what he truly believes and is not saying it by force, then alhamdulilah, he is a Muslim and you are free to marry him. If he is not yet a true believer, or perhaps he is only doing it for your sake and not Allah’s (swt), then you can get some materials to him to educate him about Islam that he will understand Islam and, in sha’ Allah, accept it for the right reasons. This may also convince your friends and family that he is a true and righteous believer worthy of marriage to and will be good for you and they will be more supportive of a marriage to him.

 

For now, whilst you are not married, ensure that you keep all relations between the two of you strictly halal, in the presence of a third party, to avoid interference from the Shaytan. During this time, keep the potential marriage to him in your prayers, asking Allah (swt) to guide you both onto the straight path. If it does not work out, then be comforted in the knowledge that Allah (swt) has better plans for the two of you.

 

May Allah (swt) grant you ease in your affairs and bring you a righteous spouse that will be the coolness of your eyes.

 

Salam,

Salam alaykum. I am very worried and need your advice. I want to marry a girl, but I am worried that the size of my manhood is too small. Shall I tell my future wife about it? When I say it’s so small I mean it’s really small! I am 35 years old and still not married, and one of its reasons is this fear in me. Please advise me and thank you for your help in advance.



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam,

 

Ma sha’ Allah, if you have made a proposal and she has accepted, then this is great news. May Allah (swt) bless your union, and may you find comfort in your love for each other.

 

Regarding telling her such a thing, it would be quite an inappropriate thing to talk about with someone before you are even married, so I wouldn’t recommend. But this is ultimately a choice for you to consider yourself.
There are many other things to keep in mind, too. Firstly, a man is not married for this reason. What is more important is his righteousness and piety, whether he will be a good husband and father to any future children should Allah (swt) bless you with them. A righteous husband should be a far more favourable quality to a wife than the size of his manhood.

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Furthermore, when it comes to the actual intimate relations, a sense of closeness and love, again, would in most cases weigh more importantly than your size. Keep in mind as well that it is not likely she has seen enough to know what the difference between big and small even is, so she may not even see it in this way. So you don’t have any need to worry, anyway.

 

If it comes to be an issue, then there are ways and means to work around this. Focusing on this right now, however, will only increase your focus on the issue further and decrease your confidence. Therefore, it is important to think of other more important things aside from this.

 

In your case, it seems this is having a big impact on your confidence; therefore, it is advisable that you work on increasing your confidence away from the focus on the size of your manhood. Set yourself goals that you can realistically achieve, whether this be with a work based task or a hobby. This sense of accomplishment that you will attain upon achieving these goals will work to improve your self-esteem and self-confidence.

 

Work on increasing your knowledge of Islam and finding confidence in this. Increase your relations with Allah (swt) and findi comfort and confidence in this. Work on improving the qualities that are most favourable to a potential wife such as righteousness and piety.

 

Once you become confident in all such other matters, those that are most attractive to a potential spouse, in sha’ Allah, your confidence will increase such that you will no longer feel the need to focus or be concerned about the less important matters.

 

May Allah (swt) grant you a righteous spouse who will bring happiness and contentment in your life.

 

Salam,

Salam Aleikom counselor. My husband behaves with me in a cold way a bit, and I am unsure of what I should do with the situation. We are married for 4 years. Some background: We moved to my hometown some time ago. It is a non-Muslim country, and my city does not have much Muslims. Hamdulillah, he works, but the workplace is quite stressful. He always complains that he feels they treat him unfairly, that collagues ghossip about him, they misunderstand his emails or words, think he is unfriendly and arrogant, or that one of the managers looks at him in a suspicious way. He has been searching for another place, but nothing yet so far. Another issue wich might affect him inside is the death of his mother which happened a year ago. we do not really talk about it, and he looks very strong regarding this issue from the very beginning, I mean he knows she is in a good place inshallah and he does not look depressed. For some months, he lost his enthusiasm towards his goals and plans, but I seem him now on track with this. Kind of. Since we are here, he has breathing problems and panic attacks sometimes. Days are very unpredictable. One day he comes home in a good mood, talks to me, hugs me a lot...other days (which I feel they are more) he is not interested in anything, he hardly says salam, and goes to his stuff he is doing on the laptop. I always try to free myself when he comes home and intend to talk to him and spend time with him, maybe eat together befor returning to my tasks. But I feel most of the time he just ignores me. Not directly though. If I ask him, he might say a short answer, but does not ask about me or my day. Does not want any hug or kiss. And sometimes he even directly says please leave me do my stuff. When I ask what is wrong, he either does not reply, or say "nothing". I try not to complain a lot, try to be emphatic, but sometimes it is very hard. I wish to be loved as he used to do. And it is really hard especially when there are things to talk about like an upcoming travelling which we haven't finalized yet, or some finances that we need to send the renting money, or I need money for something which we agreed that he is going to pay. (I work as well so we divided the stuff). Or just talking about the future like do you really want to stay here, or as we still do not have kids, let's just pack and try somewhere else. Just asking about this makes him nervous somehow! We cannot have a nice chatting about serious stuff. Why am I asking about it, i already know. This is usually the response. Although no, I do not know as he says something one day, and say something totally different on another day. I cannot handle his mood swings, his occassional coldness, and his incertitude. How to help him? (btw, he is not a social person really, he hardly made friends here.)



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,

 

It can be very difficult living with someone who has mood swings like this and very often the other person begins to blame themselves and feel responsible for the negative attitude that is held towards them. It can be especially difficult when you feel like you are doing all you can to support them in overcoming their difficulties, but they do not disclose to you what that issue is. Frequently, men often do have a harder time than women in expressing their emotions.

 

From what you say, it would seem that this is a general problem he is facing rather than something that is directed directly towards you. His consistent and unpredictable mood swings may be due to difficulties he has been experiencing at work. Perhaps, those days when he comes back more cold than usual he has had a bad time at work, and on the better days, maybe he had no issues.

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You say that he lost his mother a year ago. It’s important to understand that people have very different ways of grieving. Given that it seems he is a man that does like to talk much about his emotions, understand that he may still be going through the processes of grief. If you have ever experienced grief yourself, then you will understand how this might lead people to feel withdrawn. In some people, this experience continues for longer than with others.

 

Regarding feeling like there is no love in your relationship, firstly, in a new marriage the love is always fresh. But in time, as the couple gets used to each other, they might feel less need to show love at this level as the love is already developed, and there is a mutual understanding of love for each other without having to be so overt about it.

 

Maybe your husband feels that it’s not necessary to show it in the same way as he once did, not because he loves you any less, but that he thinks you know that he does already. Additionally, he is clearly feeling stressed at work and, therefore, if he has many bad days at work, he’s not really going to be in much of a mood to be showing love and affection. Stress in the work place may be the source of his anxiety and panic attacks, too, on top of the potential grief he also still experience.

 

Living in the West, it is important to mix with the locals, but it’s also important to mix with the few brothers and sisters that are close by, too. This will serve to strengthen ties in the Ummah. Maybe, you might want to invite someone you are close to to come for dinner with her husband at your place. This way, your husband will be in a comfortable environment to mix with another brother. This type of situation can make social interaction more comfortable rather than being in a big group of people, in a familiar environment where he feels most comfortable. It will also provide him with a healthy distraction from the stressful relations he is frequently having at work.

 

It is probably difficult for you to cope with the change in moods and feeling a bit unloved, so be sure to also take care of yourself by eating well and exercising well. Meet friends and take time to relax, too. This will put you in a more healthy mindset to manage his moods and support him in going through them. It might not feel like he appreciates your support right now, but in time as he overcomes his anxieties, in sha’ Allah, he will be in a more comfortable position to show his appreciation. This is something that will require your patience and prayers.

 

Continue to ask Allah (swt) to help your husband and encourage him to do the same for himself, and reassure him that Allah (swt) will help him in overcoming the tests he is going through right now. Continue to remain calm and comforted in the knowledge that Allah (swt) will come to your husband’s aid soon and there will be relief. If he seems reluctant, then just continue to be a good example to him and support him whilst taking care of yourself, too.

 

May Allah (swt) bring you comfort in His remembrance. May He (swt) help your husband get through his own difficulties, and may He (swt) strengthen the bond between you both.

 

Salam,

Aslam alykum. This inshAllah have reduced but I still feel it sometimes,my hearts just start to beats fast without any danger around me or when I am about to do something I know I can do but when this fear of a thing comes up,it comes up when I try to get too serious with something and it makes me lose focus....



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam,

 

It sounds like you are having problems with anxiety. Alhamdulilah, you say it has reduced, but it is still having an impact on your life and is, therefore, causing you distress. There are many ways to help manage and overcome such feelings.

 

The first and most important thing is to ask Allah (swt) for assistance in the matter. Make du’aa’ and ask Allah (swt) to help you to overcome these distressing feelings. Accept it as His test for you and be strong and confident in the knowledge that Allah (swt) will come to your aid and will see you through this successfully when the time is right with patience.

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You have noticed that this anxiety specifically occurs when you get serious about something and, therefore, you end up losing focus. This is always the first step in overcoming such feelings – identifying specifically when they occur. Alhamdulilah, you have already taken the first step in recognising this. Having pinpointed the major cause of anxiety can make it easier to apply specific techniques to overcome these negative feelings.

 

  • When doing a serious or important task, ensure you take regular breaks. Sometimes, if you work too hard on a single task, it can become stressful and contribute to losing focus. You might try working on the task for 25 minutes and taking a 5 minute break. It is often useful to take a break away from the work space to give your mind a complete break from the task so that you can go back with a refreshed mind ready to approach the task with focus again.

 

  • Alhamdulilah, Islam provides us with a daily structure around prayers. So, make sure to adhere to this obligation and use it as a chance to take a complete break from the task you are doing and completely leave it behind focusing your attention solely on your prayer.

 

  • Make sure you are getting enough sleep each night. Often, a lack of sleep can be the cause of being unable to focus. If you feel unable to sleep, then look to your daily habits like exercise and diet and ensure that they are all conducive to a good night’s sleep. Things like cutting back on caffeine might help.

 

  • Write down a plan of all the things you need to do to accomplish the task at hand. This gives you a physical record to refer to if you feel yourself losing focus.

 

  • Engage in other hobbies. Something completely different to what you are working on so you have a complete break and avoid exhaustion from the task at hand which can also contribute to losing focus. Not spending too much time on and taking care of other aspects of your life can assist in maintaining passion for the task you are working on and will, therefore, help improve focus. This will also help you to relax as well. It seems, in your case, it is in the moment that you get serious that you lose focus, so learning to relax will help you to approach your task in a more relaxed manner.

 

  • Ensure that “being serious” about something does not mean that this task is not being carried into all aspects of your life. If it’s a work matter, then ensure it remains at work and you do not bring it home. Likewise, if it’s a matter at home, then don’t take it to work. Don’t let it be a task that takes over your life. Have a dedicated time of day that you commit to the task and don’t let yourself go beyond this as it can lead to this loss of focus that you speak of or in the worst case, burnout.

 

If these feelings are persistent and you see no improvement, or they get worse and effects more aspects of your life, then it is recommended that you seek further psychological help and support.

 

May Allah (swt) bring you ease in your anxieties and bring success in all of your endeavours.

 

Salam,

Salam Aleikom. I've converted to Islam 2 years ago. After begin performing the prayers regularly and listening to Islamic videos, I got rid of some of my bad habits, but the problem is now that I've become introverted and mentally unstable for the past 6 months. I'm having emotional outbursts, and due to this I'm feeling that Islam oppresses me. I would be very grateful if you could advise me.



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam dear sister,

 

Ma sha’ Allah, it is so pleasing to read that you found Islam and that you have done your best to perform prayers and increase your knowledge by listening to Islamic lectures. However, you now feel that you have become more introverted and, therefore, are feeling that Islam is oppressing you.

 

Let me assure you that Islam is not a religion that oppresses anyone. The only time oppression occurs is when people practice Islam in the wrong way; therefore, it is important to take a step back and look at how this might be so in your life.

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Certainly, upon entering Islam, there will be many changes in your life as Islam is an entire system of life. As a convert, this process is usually a gradual one as you switch the haram things in your life for those that are halal. Sometimes, at first, this could be really difficult, especially when you give up something you love such as perhaps friends who are a negative influence in your life, who encourage you to do bad things.

 

However, you can make friends with other good sisters who will be a good influence in your life and support you through moments where you feel down like this. The only way that you can ensure this happens is to get out there and mix. As a convert, this can feel quite intimidating as you might not feel so confident that you know Islam well enough, but if they are good sisters, they will understand, and be good friends to you and support you in increasing your knowledge.

 

Developing such friendships will be good for your mental health, too, providing some kind of stability in your life. There may be many things in your life that contribute to your feelings of instability, but your faith in Islam can be the one thing that grounds you and keeps you stable as Allah (swt) guides you to make the best decisions in life.

 

If you are feeling introverted right now, this could seem like a daunting task, so you might begin by going to a sister’s study group. There, you would not necessarily be obliged to talk or be forward in your interactions but would be in an environment where you would learn more about Islam and meet other people. In time, in sha’ Allah, people will begin to talk to you.

 

Be aware, however, that sometimes it’s easy to feel like people are just not talking to you, that maybe they don’t like you, but this will only contribute to your mental instability. So, you also need to keep in mind that they may see you as a new face and be shy to approach you, too. It may be that you will have to build up the confidence to speak to someone first as you get used to the familiar faces. Always remember that if they are good sisters, worth being friends with, then they will welcome a conversation with you.

 

There are also many such groups online, too. If you feel too shy to engage face-to-face at this point, you might try this first just to get used to using your social skills and mixing with other sisters. However, you must remember that it is unhealthy to only have these types of friendships. So, simply use it as a platform to get over your introversion enough to be able to go out and meet others outside.

 

In time, as you move through your introversion and are more engaged, you will come to see that Islam is not at all oppressive, but, in fact, quite that opposite in liberating the followers.

 

May Allah (swt) assist you in overcoming your introversion, and make it easy for you to integrate into the community and improve your mental wellbeing.

 

Salam,

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