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Anxiety, Depression, & General Mental Health (Counseling Session)

Aisha Mohammad
17 December, 2017

Salaam Alaikum dear brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

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[email protected]

Thursday, Dec. 21, 2017 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

I’ve been struggling with how to have the right eating habits that best suit me and my body, but I always either end up binge eating or eating too much. I’ve been trying to deal with this problem for years now because I don’t want my body to grow in an unhealthy way, so I try eating healthy but I can’t get myself to eat the right amount of food, I always end up overeating so I sometimes just don’t eat at all to prevent that from happening. I sometimes even gain weight from this and this stresses me out. I feel ashamed that as a Muslim, I can’t control my eating habits and I am unable to treat my body, that Allah has entrusted me with, in a proper way nor am I able to follow the prophets (pbuh) ways of eating. I can’t exactly talk to my family about this because last time I tried to, they began telling me that I’m being unreasonable and this isn’t a problem, it was very uncomfortable and I don’t want to do that again. Is there any kind of Aya or duaa I could recite to help me control myself? (Keeping in mind that I’ve tried making duaas during prayers for this countless times, and I always try doing tasabih and salat al nabi whenever I feel like I might overeat, but I end up overeating anyway.) Thank you for going out of your way to help. I’ve already eliminated candy, chips, sodas, and many other unhealthy foods from my diet and I fast every Monday and Thursday and I’ve been exercising, playing sports, stretching and working out regularly, I also have a very tight schedule where I go to school at around 7am and return around 5-7pm depending on what day it is, so I end up getting too exhausted and distressed during my time out so I eat too much to make up for it. I’m about to turn 17 and I want to take care of this problem before I grow up. I’m not exactly “fat” but I’m probably chubbier than my siblings who eat a lot of junk and don’t exercise. (Although I actually eat a lot of different food in small portions and I make sure to watch my calories, but somehow I still end up gaining weight sometimes.)



As salamu alaykum dear sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. I see you have written twice regarding your issue and I would like to address what is going on insha’Allah. As I understand it, in the past you were working out too strenuously; you felt that you fasted too much thus you reduced your fasting periods; you feel you cannot control your eating and you suffer from bingeing. You use to suffer from social anxiety, depression as well as low self-esteem.

 

You indicated that you went through a really hard period in which you suffered greatly but now, you have things under control. You fear losing that control however and wonder what to do if it comes back and how to prevent it from coming back.

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Sister, I cannot diagnose you, only a professional who has assessed you can do that, however, it does appear you have bulimia nervosa. I’m not sure if you have been reading up on it to educate yourself but it is a very serious disorder which can cause damage to your organs, disrupt your hormones and even cause death. You mentioned you were treated for iron deficiency at one point and that is one of the dangers and results of bulimia.

 

Alhumdulilah it was discovered and addressed. I’m not trying to scare you sister but I am attempting to make you aware of what can happen if you don’t seek professional help. You have taken the first step towards recovery which is admitting you have a problem.

 

You have also taken the second step, which is talking to someone about it, which you are doing here with us at AboutIslam alhumdulilah. I would however kindly recommend sister, that you do seek professional help insha’Allah before another episode takes place.

 

Please do reach out to your family doctor, a nurse at your school or someone else you trust to assist you in getting the help that you need insha’Allah if your own family won’t take your condition seriously. You may also want to join a Bulimia support group in your area as well as one online (1) that would provide education, supports as well as encouragement on your healing journey.

 

Sister, I would like to ask you to think about when this eating disorder began, how old were you? Was there anything going on at home, school, your social life that precipitated this? Do you have a history of being abused as a child? Do you engage in risky behaviors? Are you prone to self-injurious behaviors? Do you take laxatives frequently, how often do you binge when the disorder is active? I kindly suggest dear sister that you start to keep a journal and notate the above questions. Please reflect upon when you were binge eating-what were some of the triggers that you can identify? As you state you are now stable, what are some of the coping skills and techniques that you used to

reach stability? At this point, only you know what triggers your binge eating and what worked for your initial recovery. Staying away from the people, places and things that trigger a binge is step three in the recovery process, but first, you must make a commitment to actually do that. This will entail a self-inventory, being honest with yourself about your feelings, learning new coping techniques as well as learning how to regain control of your life in general.

 

A lot of young women who develop eating disorders do so because they feel food is the only thing in their lives that they have. When all else is out if their control, they have food -to eat excessively or to not eat at all. They also often feel they food is one of the only things that they can control or power over. How much goes in or doesn’t go in and in the case of bulimia-how much comes out. However as you can see sister, it becomes something that eventually takes control over you.

 

What starts off as an occasional binge and purge my quickly develop into an addiction of sorts. When bingeing occurs, it is said that the one bingeing is essentially trying to “fill up” a lonely or dark, sad void within themselves. Additionally, people who have bulimia tend to hold all their feelings inside, compounding the sense of loneliness and need for comfort and control.

 

Sister, I urge you to please insha’Allah start the journal so you can get a better picture of what is going on.Insha’Allah make an appointment with a local counselor/therapist for assessment, diagnosis and treatment. If you do have bulimia, the good news is that people usually respond quickly to treatment meaning it treatable but you have to be committed sister and follow through with the needed steps and advice.

 

Treatment usually consists of cognitive behavioral therapy, antidepressants for those who are resistant, as well as learning how to express feelings and emotions in a positive healthy way. Please do follow through sister, and make duaa to Allah to grant ease on your journey in recovery. Please let us know how you are doing insha’Allah, you are in our prayers.

1-https://bulimia.supportgroups.com/

As-salam alikum, I am a 28-year-old man. I have been married for 5 months now. It was an arranged marriage followed by engagement 6 months prior. As it was an arranged marriage; my mother showed me 2-3 pictures of my future wife. I saw and liked those pictures and agreed. Three weeks later, I saw my future wife on engagement day. I was very happy as she is a religious girl, she is a doctor. My mother gave me a very good feedback about the girl and her family. Just before one month prior to nikah we spoke over phone few times and chatted on WhatsApp, it was initiated by her cousins. Before nikah, I spoke to her over the phone which is wrong according to sharia as she was a non mahram to me. After nikah only I saw her closely. Few things I assumed about her. In reality, she is average in looks. She is little short(5.1") I assumed 5.4" which was written in her profile which was given to me. I thought she is very beautiful. I feel ashamed to share my problem here, did not share with anyone. I don't really feel attached to her. I mean she does not have an eye-catching feature. It is about five months from our nikah we did not consummate our marriage. We did everything except intercourse. She also observed I do not really feel physically attracted to her. She is of the opinion that I have pressure from my family for this marriage. She also caught me watching other girls on the internet. 1) I really want to keep her happy. I am trying to figure out is this something wrong with me or her? Is that I am trying to discover my beautiful dream girl in her? 2) How do I convince my heart to overshadow her looks to her qualities, skills? 3) When I go out I cannot stop my eyes to stare at beautiful girls. I feel disturbed that why would I have chosen her? 4) I am unable to protect my gaze when I see girls outside. Divorce is not in my mind. I really need an Islamic advice and solution. It's not her mistake too. I truly want to overcome. 5) When I see other girls I think if you could have been with her which is completely unrealistic.I unable to look for my dream girl in her. I know that Islamically, a woman is married for four things. Piety, wealth, lineage, beauty. Best woman is piest. I am praying Allah(swt) and trying to convince my heart to grow love for her in my heart. Sometimes, I fear that I am not paying attention to her that she required. She always says she loves me a lot. She is very caring and sincere too.



As-salam Alaykum brother,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session.  Arranged marriages can turn out very good or they can be disastrous.  In your case, it is somewhere in-between.  As you did not get to sit and talk with her in a halal way, you really did not get a chance to see if you and her had chemistry or were compatible. This is very important brother.

 

Also, it is not haram to see your future wife or speak with her in person in with others around such as family.  Even the Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) advised men to go see a potential wife before marrying to see if there could be a love created.

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In a hadith (1) it states  “Mughirah bin Shubah wanted to marry a woman. The Prophet (ﷺ) said to him: “Go and look at her, for that is more likely to create love between you.” So he did that, and married her, and mentioned how well he got along with her”.

 

As we can see, there is much wisdom in this advice. As you have already married her brother, I would kindly suggest that you try to make the marriage work and find things in her that you find appealing. You may have to also re-evaluate what qualities in a wife you truly seek for a lifetime marriage.

 

You stated that she doesn’t have any “eye-catching” features.  Please do remember brother that looks fade with time.  Hers will and yours will as well.  As you stated she caught you watching “girls on the internet” I am wondering if you are into porn?  Sadly this is a big problem with men.

 

Porn leads to all kinds of issues-besides it being haram. One issue with porn-or just watching girls-do whatever, is that it creates a false image of what a woman looks like or should look like.  It creates expectations that a woman must meet the criteria of a porn star to be considered beautiful or “eye-catching”.  Crazy huh?  It is so embedded in society, in some men’s minds that no one could possibly live up to a “dream-girl” status because that is all it is-a dream.

 

Brother, your wife sounds wonderful.  She’s pious, she’s smart (she’s a doctor), she loves you and treats you well, and she seems very patient and compassionate-given the circumstances she is in.  She sounds like many men’s dream girl in fact.

 

Brother, I think you do in fact realize this and are trying to make the best of it. I would kindly suggest that if you do indeed watch porn either from time to time or habitully, that you stop immediately. If I am wrong lease forgive me.

 

Looking at porn not only programs your mind to think and see things a certain way when it comes to women and sex, but it may also render you useless as a lover as your mind is conditioned to fake stimuli that you see on the screen, thus in real life one cannot perform because the actuality of a live person does not match up-ever-with a fantasy.

 

You may see a more beautiful girl in the streets however maybe her heart is sour or she has some really bad habits.  Would that still be your dream girl?  In the quest for perfection (which does not exist), many lose out on beautiful, solid relationships/marriages because they are addicted to a dream.

 

I would kindly suggest dear brother that you begin to look at your wife in a new way.  If her hair is silky and shiny, focus on that.  If she has a cute nose, pretty teeth, smells good, has nice eyes or soft skin make those features a goal to admire and focus on.

 

What it is really about brother, is finding the dream in your wife, which may come with your maturing and appreciating her features that you may have over-looked.

 

Also, look in the mirror-are you a “dream-guy”?  Do you think you are the one she was hoping for?  Or do you have little flaws and imperfections as well?  If so, your wife has found you attractive regardless.  May Allah bless her efforts.

 

When two people come together for the sake of Allah for marriage, it is said that Allah will put love and mercy between two people. Insha’Allah brother your marriage is new, please do give it time and do your best to make your wife feel desired, attractive and wanted.

 

While chemistry is needed between two people, it can also sometimes be created with time.  I remember a sister I counseled who was no longer attracted to her husband.  Her situation was a little different than yours but in a way is the same in regards to desire and appeal. What had happened was she and her husband grew apart over the years and they were nit really familiar with each other anymore, in fact-others looked more appealing.

 

To make a long story short, when the sister started to get to know her husband again-by going out on dates, sharing interests, learning new things together-she fell in love all over again and she felt her husband was the most attractive man on earth.  Point is, attraction-lasting attraction and desire, is cultivated and maintained.  For example, say perhaps you did get your ”dream girl”,  What if your dream girl got into a car accident and her face was disfigured, would you still love her?

 

Brother, insha’Allah you will find a new found joy and attraction in your wife once you re-evaluate what it is that you consider truly attractive. If you are watching porn, stop. Not only is it considered haram but it reduces your ability to function normally with a real woman/wife. If you need help in that area (sexual desire/ability to get an erection) please consult your family physician.

 

Also, please stop looking at other women with lust as it negatively reflects about you more so, than it does your wife.  Lower your gaze and remember the blessing that Allah gave you in your wife. As you draw closer to your wife insha’Allah, may Allah swt put love, desire and realism in your heart and mercy between the both of you.  Only then will you find your “dream girl”.  You are in our prayers, we wish you the best.

 

1-https://sunnah.com/ibnmajah/9

As-salamu aleikum, I have one question that has been raised many times on different websites and it concern OCD, but it relates to a different kind of OCD that in our fate has been defined al-waswas al-qahri (overwhelming waswas or OCD). In my case, it is related to a visual problem that in psychology was defined as Pareidolia (type of apophenia). Pareidolia is a psychological phenomenon in which the mind responds to a stimulus, usually an image or a sound, by perceiving a familiar pattern where none exists. Pareidolia can cause people to interpret random images or patterns of light and shadow and it often has religious overtones. Saying this, my pareidolia consists of seeing the name of Allah written in Arabic language almost everywhere I look. The real problem is that I can see it written, unfortunately, in not appropriate places. I know that these images of shapes and scripture are created by my brain working against my will. I have found a lot of reading on the internet talking about this, where people saying how they see Allah's name written on human ear, or on human palm, but then again, my logic refuse to accept it because we use our palm to clean our body (especially in the WC), so it would be inappropriate to an attribute name of Allah,or it arabic form to our palm, or shape in human ear because there is hadith saying: "Satan urinates in the ear(s) of the one who sleeps till the sunrise missing the obligatory morning (fajr) prayers". I have found following hadith dealing with waswasa or this kind of pareidolia: It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) said: The Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “Allah has forgiven my ummah for whatever whispers [waswasah] cross their minds so long as they do not act upon it or speak of it.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (2391) and Muslim (127). My question are: 1. Does seeing the name of Allah, written in Arabic on different things, animals or (in NOT appropriate places) is something to ignore and act as we have not seen it? 2-. Do we commit a sin if we act upon (or not act upon) of our pareidolia? As you might imagine, my fear lies in showing disrespect to Allah and his name. I know it is complicated but please help me understand. I will give you an example: Recently "I have seen" the name of Allah on the surface of body lotion. So what would be the sin: 1. use the lotion on an entire human body or 2. not use the lotion at all? The hadith expression "so long as they do not act upon it " can be interpreted as disregard/neglect what have we seen and behave as nothing happened, or the opposite?



As-salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran brother for writing to our live session. While I am not an Islamic scholar, I cannot provide scholarly responses to your questions regarding hadiths and the applications herein. I encourage you to write to our section “Ask the Scholar” for further help and clarification.

 

I can kindly suggest however that you insha’Allah begin to focus on your mental health especially concerning your self assessed pareidolia.  You have done some very good research on the topic and you appear to have excellent insight as to what may be going on.

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Accordingly,  pareidolia is an illusionary experience formed by imagination and “is found in many psychotic disorders” (1).   It can also be a manifestation of hypervigilance or neurosis. I am wondering brother, as you spoke of OCD, have you ever been diagnosed with OCD before?  Have you ever seen a counselor or psychiatrist for this  or any other mental health issues?

If not, I would kindly suggest that you do seek out a therapist in your area insha’Allah for consultation and evaluation.

 

Please do make notes of when this started, how long it has been going on, when does it occur the most (times of stress, times of relaxing, etc), how many times a day do you see this and how do you feel when you see it.  Please list any other symptoms you may be having (both mental and physical) such as nervousness, high energy, sleeplessness, depression, and so on.

 

Also, make an appointment with your family doctor to have a full physical health exam to rule out any issues.  While I am sure you are healthy dear brother, a physical exam is always good to start with.  You may have something going on with your endocrine system or another body system that is causing this.

As your pareidolia concerns the name of Allah (swt) it most likely is not a spiritual issue but possibly a mental health concern.  As you are a devoted and pious Muslim insha’Allah, your mind-loving Allah so much, has turned-created His name into a constant visual.

 

Please know that Allah is most merciful brother and that this condition is out of your control thus you are not held responsible for any unknowing wring doing on your part.  You are responsible, however, for seeking the proper treatment for the pareidolia which includes getting a diagnosis as to the underlying etiology and following up with treatment.

 

In the meantime, you may wish to start now with some tips to try to change or limit the way in which the image/name appears. Insha’allah, brother when you see Allah’s name in places where you know it is an illusion, close your eyes for a moment and replace that image with another one-for instance a big red stop sign.

 

It may take time and patience but insha’Allah you make be successful with this technique.  Another tip to try would be to introduce sounds in the form of utilizing ear-plugs with white noise, an educational lecture, a TV show or other distracting phenomenon. This may insha’Allah, decrease the illusion ‘s frequency and intensity in order to be able to focus on the auditory stimuli being introduced.

 

While these are a few tips that may or may not help for the short term while you seek out professional help, please do make an appointment as soon as possible, brother, so you can go on to resolve this issue and live a more peaceful and worry free life serving Allah.

 

You are in our prayers, we wish you the best.

 

 

I’ve been in conflict with myself these last few days but things became worse after this one thing that happened. In my school there is a class where me and 3 other Muslimah friends always gathered to talk about Allah and his mercy and all Islam related questions. But our school has been built near a place where they sell alcohol where depravation of all sorts probably also happens. And one time after one of those sessions , I had a bad intuition about something I couldn’t quiet explain but soon enough I was left alone in this class . Then out of nowhere I heard a hissing sound though at first I thought it came from the AC but then I instinctively looked at the door and I felt a most frightening feeling that spread in waves in my body and unconsciously repeated aouthou billahi minas shaytanir rajim and went out the class screaming this. It was the most frightening experience in my life . Then I stayed in a state of utmost fright the whole day my heartbeat speeding up at the faintest rustle of sound. When I tried explaining this to the people I trusted the most namely my father and grandma the first said that I was doing too much Ibadat that the zikr and prayer and Quran reading I did were a lot more than young girls of my age (18) ever did and that he feared in a way that I may turn crazy from doing this just like an acquaintance of his. Then I realized that like any other person he was afraid and confused and just didn’t know what to do or think since as he said this never happened to him . This was the same answer from my grandma who also said that because we were close to a place where Satan is regularly then it’s normal that he came to scare us because we were doing what he hated and that just like my father she said I should also stop. After this though I did pray Allah to give me courage and sustenance because if it weren’t for this I would have never understood how much true it was to say that only Allah is you real Helper. Then later on though I still feel as though I have scars from this because even if I wanted to do more efforts and zikr I get the most hated feeling of getting afraid that the thing my appear again and scare me. Though I keep reminding myself that it’s only Allah that I should fear and that the jinns are allowed to do what they do only if He wills. Yet I don’t understand why I feel so blocked every-time I try to get past some kind of wall that seems erected in from of me no matter all my rational thoughts. And it’s like all this happening wakes in me a need for proofs or miracles from Allah to justify to myself all that I do. Yet afterwards I feel bad for ever thinking this way when people that are better than me in character and that have suffered so much never got a sign of encouragement for their good deeds until their death where the see the fruits of their efforts (beautiful angels surrounding them on their deathbed) but they kept being strong in their faith no matter the hardships. I am afraid and I want to believe that if I do all the zikr and everything else recommended when in affliction that those doubts those fear those hardships won’t happen again but then I am always reminded of the fact that I will be tried with my faith then I think How can I be strong when I’m being frightened each time how can I keep strength and have fear of Allah and none else. I’m lost what to do , what to think ?



As salamu alaykum dear sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session.  I can imagine how you must be feeling, not knowing if what you experienced was something from the shaitan or was a valid noise in the building.

 

Often times when we are over-worked, stressed out or otherwise mentally fatigued, our minds can play tricks on us as we are not functioning with fresh mental energy. Despite your not knowing what exactly it was, the fact is it is over now, you are safe, your worries and concerns should have subsided by now but they have not.

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While I am not sure if what you experienced was of a spiritual nature or of an emotional one, indeed it did scare you.  The fact that the school building wherein you and your classmates were discussing Allah is near a place where alcohol is sold as well as other sinful behaviors occur may have become a focal point in your mind for anxiety and panic.

 

What you are describing dear sister may or may not be related to an anxiety, panic disorder or another mental health issue which is causing you to think and feel this way.  The fact that you still are thinking about this incident and it seems to be growing in intensity and concern for you, maybe an indication that it was such a traumatic experience that you may need help in overcoming it.

 

Often times when we had an experience that was scary our minds often create a space where the fear and anxiety can grow out of proportion and start to take over our lives.

 

Psychology Today (1) states “We only need to start examining some of the beliefs that anxiety sufferers hold about the world and themselves in order to begin to understand how adaptive anxiety mutates into a mental health problem. For instance, most of the common anxiety disorders are underpinned by a set of dysfunctional beliefs that simply don’t represent the objective reality of the world, and in this sense they might be characterized as ‘delusional’ beliefs”.

 

If you do suffer from anxiety from this experience sister it may be that it has progressed to a deeper state of entangled thoughts and belief systems to which you cannot control.  The over thinking of this especially with your need for “proofs or miracles” from Allah may be indicative of an obsessive-compulsive disorder (which is a part of an anxiety spectrum) wherein obtrusive thoughts keep coming and you cannot stop them even though you know they are irrational.

 

You stated that while you wish to have “proofs and see miracles” you also stated that “afterward I feel bad for ever thinking this way when people that are better than me in character and that have suffered so much never got a sign of encouragement for their good deeds.”

 

While I am not sure if you are trying this in with your experience at the school or good deeds you have done or are doing, you do realize that expecting “proofs” from Allah is atypical thinking.

 

Sister, I would kindly suggest that insha’Allah you seek out assessment and counseling. Ongoing counseling with a therapist who can evaluate and diagnose you may prove to be most beneficial insha’Allah.

 

Please do speak with your parents again about this issue and insha’Allah request an evaluation.  While I cannot diagnose you, I can only offer some small insights and suggestions to help guide you insha’Allah to get the appropriate help.

 

If you are found to have anxiety, panic disorder, OCD or any other mental health issue, please sister rest assured you are not alone.

Many people worldwide suffer from these mental health issues and are treated successfully most of the time and return to living healthy, happy lives-fear free. But you must take the first step in getting an assessment.  Lastly, yes-Allah swt is our ultimate healer.

 

Please do continue to pray, seek His guidance and relief and know that Allah is most merciful.   You may feel “blocked” or fearful however I urge you to try to move past this by knowing that there is truly nothing to fear but Allah.

 

Again, anxiety may be the root cause if this sister. I cannot say but Psychology  Today (1) discusses some of the avoidance behaviors in worship that you are describing “Severe anxiety gives rise to avoidance responses – behaviors designed to ensure the ‘bad things’ related to the anxiety don’t happen or are avoided.

 

What this means in practice is that the dysfunctional beliefs held by anxious individuals are rarely dis-confirmed. This is because the sufferer continually avoids situations that might provide information that the threat is not as horrendous as they believe”.

 

As we are human and subject to defects, it may take some time in counseling for you to fully get over these fears and blockages you are experiencing. Often times, when we are stressed, anxious or have other mental health issues going on it can affect our prayers, our ability to read Qur’an and so forth.  However, this is through no fault of our own and Allah is most merciful.

 

Please do see a counselor in your area sister to resolve this.  You are in our prayers.

 

1-https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/why-we-worry/201510/is-anxiety-delusion

 

I am a non-virgin Muslim girl with a few boyfriends in her past. For two years I had given up on my faith due to reasons at home and I think I took it as a reason to go to do whatever I wanted without feeling guilty. But the guilt came back when I met a Muslim boy who rejected me and still continues to tell me that no one will ever accept me. He threatens to expose me and I feel I have no where to go. I have started praying because I truly believe there is no one but Allah who can help me. I remember feeling peace before I turned my back on faith but I want to feel the same peace and the same confidence I had once upon a time for my future. My age is such that my parents have started asking me about marriage. They hope that I find someone for myself as I am probably the only girl who has done well in her studies and career-wise and have settled in Australia. I know that a man from my family's background will never be able to accept me. What can I do? How do get over this guilt? I find myself breaking down at random points during the day. Sometimes I think I need psychological help. I have been going through the threads and similar threads for a while now. In fact, it's been two years and I still can't get over the things I have done. I had given up on Islam for 2 years and had a few sexual encounters and never reflected on it at that point but now I feel increasingly guilty often questioning myself how I could behave in such a shameful manner. While I was home (Oman) I was a practicing Muslim and when I left for studies I just turned in to this disgusting person. And it also doesn’t help to have a non-practicing Muslim boyfriend who would regularly shame me for my past. I think it's also important to note that I lied and hid my past and that made it worse. I am home for a while now and away from him but I'm afraid of what it'll be like when I go back ( to Australia) My major concern is that I am getting increasingly depressed because I can't get over how disgusting I have been and don't think I deserve anything better ahead. It would be great if there was a counselor to talk to. Please help.



As salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to us and trusting us with your concerns.  Sister, we all fall short and we all sin.  It’s a part of growing in Islam and striving towards what is good.

 

No one is perfect and most people have things in their past they would rather keep in the past and rightly so-that is why is it called a “past”.  Your remorse and feelings of guilt are a good thing-it illustrates how sorry you are about what happened as well as shows how much you love Allah and do seek to please Him.

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Sister, Allah swt is most forgiving and loves to forgive.  In the Qur’an (1)  it states

“ Say, “O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.”

 

With this in mind sister, please know that when you repent and ask for forgiveness of your sins, that Allah in His infinite mercy forgives “do not despair the mercy of Allah…”.

 

A hadith (2) discusses forgiveness in terms of people with sky-high sins “I heard the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) saying, “Allah, the Exalted, has said: ‘O son of Adam! I shall go on forgiving you so long as you pray to Me and aspire for My forgiveness whatever may be your sins. O son of Adam! I do not care even if your sins should pile up to the sky and should you beg pardon of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam! If you come to Me with an earthful of sins and meet Me, not associating anything with Me in worship, I will certainly grant you as much pardon as will fill the earth.”‘

 

Often times even though we have repented the quilt and remorse keep building up. This can get in the way of our relationship with Allah as well as lead us to possible future temptations to sin in the same way as we feel we are so horrid that we are not forgiven and we may give up.

 

If you keep hanging on to your past sins after giving them to Allah for forgiveness, isn’t that kind of like doubting Allah’s mercy?  Sister, once you have repented, let it go. Move forward and ahead in your life and in Islam.  Trust in Allah that these matters are over (just be aware not to repeat them) and make duaa to Allah to guide you down the right path.

 

Once you realize that your sins are in your past, that by repenting and seeking forgiveness you are renewed.  Also when you repented sister, Allah covers your sins and you should not bring them up again to anyone.  This means that any future husband is not entitled to know of your past sins.

 

“Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, “Every one of my followers will be forgiven except those who expose (openly) their wrongdoings. An example of this is that of a man who commits a sin at night which Allah has covered for him, and in the morning, he would say (to people): “I committed such and such sin last night,’ while Allah had kept it a secret. During the night Allah has covered it up but in the morning he tears up the cover provided by Allah Himself.” (3).

Insha’Allah sister you will find comfort in these hadiths as well as in Qur’an.  Insha’Allah you can trust in Allah that this part of your life is over and you are ready to start anew. Draw closer to Allah, get involved in positive and educational groups for sisters at your Masjid and local Islamic community Centre now, and and when you go back to Australia.   Be happy, rejoice and be grateful for such a loving Lord.  As far as that Muslim boyfriend, friend or whatever-whoever he is, he is lost.  Please cut off all contact with him.  You stated that “the guilt came back when I met a muslim boy who rejected me and still continues to tell me that no one will ever accept me.  He threatens to expose me and I feel I have no where to go”.  First of all, he has no right to tell you that.  He must not know of Islam and of Allah’s forgiveness.  If you cut him off sister he can no longer threaten you.  As he may feel he can bully you as you feel you are “unforgivable” know right now that Allah loves you and Allah loves to forgive.  With this knowledge, trust and faith in Allah, you are taking away this boy’s power over you.  When this boy has no power over you he cannot continue to harm you. If he does decide to gossip and spread your past, he will only harm himself, not you.  Allah is always watching and Allah is Muntaqim.

 

I kindly advise you sister to rest assured Allah loves and forgives you.Please do move forward in your Islam, getting involved in increasing your Islamic knowledge as well as seeking out Islamic sisters to do things with.  Cut off this boy-he is lost and he is toxic.

 

Don’t worry about what he says or does sister.  Most likely he will not do or say anything as his power over you will be taken away and if by chance he does, Allah will deal with him.

 

Please do embrace that peace that you had when you were practicing Islam sister, it is a gift worth pursing and insha’Allah you will get it back very soon.  Trust in Allah.

1-https://quran.com/39/53

2-https://sunnah.com/riyadussaliheen/20

3-https://sunnah.com/riyadussaliheen/1/241

 

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