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With Every Ramadan, There Is a Mark on My Soul

Ramadan Reflections

With Every Ramadan, There Is a Mark on My Soul
This Ramadan was another gift from Allah, the beginning of a new me.

Giggling, tripping over my friends in excitement, darting from room to room of the house that served as a masjid to our small island community in Victoria, Canada.

Welcoming the adults who entered with whooping exclamations of “Ramadan Mubarak!” and lovingly serving them with cool glasses of water between every four rak’aat,eager for the barakah of these blessed nights. Shoulder to shoulder and foot to foot with my closest friends, supporting each other in prayer as we did in everything else, our supplications earnest and naïve about our futures.

{The month of Ramadhan in which was revealed the Qur’an, a guidance for the people and clear proofs of guidance and criterion.} (Qur’an 2:185)

2009, aged 18:

My bare feet warm the smooth marble tiles in the courtyard of a hundreds-of-years-old masjid in Heliopolis, Cairo, listening to the voice of my then-husband as his recitation of the Qur’an streamed into the hot, earthy Egyptian air, leading over a hundred people in Taraweeh.

Smiling, nodding, gesturing helplessly as I was embraced by enthusiastic young Egyptian women my age, who weren’t put off by my inability to communicate. Raising my hands in takbeer and folding them over my slowly swelling stomach, terrified of motherhood but struggling to place my tawakkul in Allah, searching forLaylatul Qadr and the answer to my prayers.

{The Night of Decree is better than a thousand months. The angels and the Spirit descend therein by permission of their Lord for every matter. Peace it is until the emergence of dawn.} (Qur’an 97:3-5)

2011, aged 20:

Cloistered in a beautiful masjid richly decorated with ayaat carved into silken wood; just one of the many women clad in swirling abayaat, the murmurs of their voices between units of prayer revealing the lilt of Kuwaiti Arabic.

Clouds of smoky bukhoor wafting between each saff, tickling my toddler’s nose, embracing us as we knelt insujood. Delicate crystal finjaans filled with dark, bittergahwa or liquid amber chai, sweetened with dates anddu’a, savouring these precious moments of fragile peace.

{ It is He who sent down tranquillity into the hearts of the believers that they would increase in faith along with their faith.} (Qur’an 48:4)

2013, aged 22:

Breathing in the tropical breeze dancing through the open-air masjid in my parents’ neighborhood in Malaysia, splashes of pink and gold calligraphy tint the edges of my vision. My heart smiles with the contagious cheerfulness that the locals exude and letting me forget, a little bit, the lingering heartache of divorce. A reminder that after hardship comes ease; verily, the promise of Allah is true. Inna wa’dAllahi haqq… the imam’s voice rises, swelling, a Divine sign.

{So be patient! Indeed, the promise of Allah is truth.} (Qur’an 30:60)

These, then, are my memories of Ramadan, in four different countries over the span of several years. Truly, the earth of Allah is vast, a planet upon which we undertakehijrah of both the body and the soul. This Ummah is strong and fragile, beautiful and flawed, as are we all.

From girl to woman, wife to single parent, I have grown and struggled and failed and succeeded – all through the Wisdom of Allah, all through His Mercy and HisNi’mah. Every Ramadan has changed me, every Ramadan has marked my soul with the Qadr of Allah.

And this year?

2014, aged 23:

This Ramadan was another gift from Allah, the beginning of a new me. Mother, writer, entrepreneur, and much more, bi ithnillaah. This Ramadan was my lingering farewell to Malaysia, a second parting from my family, and prayers of eager anticipation for the next chapter of my life.

The blessings in my life are numerous, uncountable; this month, I have only gratitude, only love, only joy. I plead for the forgiveness of my Lord, the pleasure of my parents, the future of my child, the love of my soul mates.

For myself, and for the Ummah of prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him), this Ramadan is the beginning of the rest of our lives.

{So which of the favors of your Lord would you deny?} (Qur’an 55:13)

 

First published : June 2014.


About Zainab bint Younus

Zainab bint Younus is a young woman who finds constant inspiration in the lives of the Sahabiyaat and other great women in Islamic history. She hopes that every Muslimah is able to identify with the struggles of these inspirational women and follow in their footsteps to become a part of a new generation of powerful Muslim women. She blogs at http://www.thesalafifeminist.blogspot.com

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