First-time sex is still a big taboo topic among Muslims, even in the West. We cannot talk, or raise questions, or – God forbid – even think of it because sex is considered something filthy and evil.
Obviously, we all know that Islam prohibits having sex outside of marriage – but why does this have to prevent us from educating ourselves when the first generations of Muslims never shied away from seeking the answer for intimate questions? Why do we feel embarrassed when sexual desires are completely normal and natural feelings of a human being, and there is nothing wrong with fulfilling them in the halal way?!
It’s no surprise then that we at Ask the Counselor service receive tons of messages in which desperate young boys and girls, shortly before their big day, express their fears and worries about their first night with their spouse. They don’t know what to expect; they feel overloaded by the different and oftentimes inaccurate information they find on the internet; they are excited, but the doubts, the worries, and the shame they have don’t let them fully enjoy the happiness of these first intimate moments.
So, we put together a list with the most important information you need to know before your wedding night for those who are curious, confused, or wondering what to expect.
1, Accept Sex as a Healthy and Halaal Part of Life
Allah (swt) created us with sexual desires, and in Islam, there is nothing shameful about that. Islam just puts guidelines for us to follow in regards to whom and when we can fulfill our sexual desires. However, the actual act of sex is NOT wrong. To the contrary, sex, when done the halaal way, is a blessing from Allah (swt) in which you even get good reward for doing.
2, Intercourse Is Not a Must in the First Night
There should be no expectations other than to enjoy each other’s company and to become comfortable being intimate with one another. If both of you feel inspired to have intercourse on the first night, that is alright. If either of you feels too exhausted and would rather just fall asleep in each other’s arms, that’s fine, too!
“Relax and keep things natural between you and your wife. Don’t pressure yourself because that can cause you to be anxious and uneasy at a time when you and your wife should be happy. Instead, spend time getting to know each other and eventually intimate with each other.”
3, It Doesn’t Have to Hurt
“If your first time involves penetration, a little pain or pressure might be expected. That said, it should still be overall pleasurable — not painful. So if it hurts a lot, stop. This could be a signal that you need more foreplay or lubrication.”
4, You Won’t Necessarily Bleed a Lot
“Bleeding comes from tearing the hymen, which is basically a tissue inside the vagina. All women have different amounts of hymnal tissue, and in rare cases they aren’t born with any. Some women don’t notice any bleeding at all, but it is true that some women bleed a lot. There’s really no way to predict how much you’ll bleed.”
5, “Hymen Check” does not Really Determine Virginity
“Again, different people have different amounts of hymnal tissue; some are thinner, worn away, or filled with fewer blood vessels than others. Plus, that tissue can tear from a variety of things such as physical activity, masturbation, etc. So, to use this as a marker of whether or not you’ve had sex just doesn’t make sense.”
6, Never Skip Foreplay
“When you know you’re finally going to have sex, most people skip over all the other stuff to get to the main event. Don’t do this. The more sexual behaviors you engage in prior to sex (kissing, touching…etc.), the easier it is for both men and women to have orgasm.
The way the vaginal canal works is: once you’re aroused, something called “ballooning” occurs, which opens it up and allows for penetration. If there’s no arousal prior to penetration, it can be painful. Plus, lots of foreplay can help a guy get a stronger erection.”
7, Lube Can Make Everything Better
“The experts cannot suggest this enough. Lube is not just for older folks who can’t get wet on their own. A little extra slickness will help everything feel smoother and more pleasurable — no matter what’s going in where. So, if you feel any pain while trying penetration for the first time, ADD LUBE.
You should know, though, that oil-based lubes can screw with latex condoms and make them less effective. So you should find a water-based or silicone-based lube instead.”