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Wanted to Marry, but Rumors Stand Between Us

07 July, 2018
Q A couple of month ago, my parents chose a guy for me to marry. They loved him and his family a lot. At first, I didn’t feel ready for marriage and was against the idea, but later we started talking online and eventually fell in love with each other. But one day, my father heard rumors of him that he was addicted and cancelled our marriage. He actually told me the story about some of his friends who were addicts and one even died, but he has never taken anything.

Now, my parents have been looking for someone else for me, but I want him! I cannot marry anyone else! I don’t want to hurt them but can’t leave him either. Please suggest how to marry him without hurting my parents?

Answer


In this counseling answer:

• The first thing you need to do is to speak directly with your parents about your feelings towards this young man. You need to come clean and explain to them everything.

• If Allah (swt) has written that you marry this man, then you will marry him no matter what. And if Allah (swt) willed that you don’t marry him, then you simply won’t.


As-Salamu ‘Alaikum Sister,

Thank you for sending us your question. I am sorry to hear about the emotional turmoil you are in after your parents told you that they disapprove of the man you want to marry. I ask Allah (swt) to choose the best for you and to help you gain strength and wisdom from every difficulty you face.

To summarize, you mention that you started to talk with a young man whom your parents suggested for marriage. At first, you did not want to talk to him, but then you found yourself enjoying speaking/chatting with him and have “fallen in love” with him and him with you. After some time had passed, your father started to ask around about this young man and heard negative things about him. Now, your father does not want this engagement to take place and you are devastated.

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Sister, the first thing you need to do is to speak directly with your parents about your feelings towards this young man. You need to come clean and explain to them everything. Tell them exactly what you both talk about. Explain to them his point of view of all the negative things your father had heard about him (like the addiction, etc.). Tell your parents that you want to marry him and to give him a second chance.

It seems your parents care about you and want only the best for you. They seem to be afraid of anyone with a bad reputation. If you are honest with them and tell them your feelings, they may reconsider for your sake. Your father may decide to dig deeper and ask more about what is rumor and what is the truth. I understand that you may feel embarrassed to tell them that you have strong feelings towards this young man, but you need to tell them the truth because they deserve it. They are your parents and even if you may feel ashamed about withholding information from them, they still want the best for you and want you to be happy even if their initial reaction is anger. It takes a lot of courage to tell the truth.

Sister, I want you to also understand that whatever Allah (swt) has written will happen and it will be the best for you. You may want something so bad, but Allah (swt) may have other plans for you and not grant you what you desire. Understand that Allah (swt) has the master plan for all of mankind. If Allah (swt) has written that you marry this man, then you will marry him no matter what. And if Allah (swt) willed that you don’t marry him, then you simply won’t. Believe in Allah’s (swt) plan. Do your part by being honest, and let go. Maybe Allah (swt) wants you to understand this point.

May Allah (swt) guide us all to what is best for us and keep our faith steadfast.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/youth-issues/love-doesnt-want-marry/

If I Can’t Marry Her, I Won’t Marry… Ever

https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/want-to-get-married/he-loves-me-but-doesnt-want-to-marry-me/

 

About Aliah F. Azmeh
Aliah F. Azmeh is a licensed clinical social worker who practices in Detroit, Michigan. Aliah graduated with a Master's degree in Social Work from the University of Michigan in 2007 and has experience working in the United States and overseas. Aliah currently works as a clinical social worker and provides individual, family, and marital counseling at Muslim Family Services in Detroit, MI.