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Step-Parents Doesn’t Let Me Marry The Guy I Love

11 June, 2019
Q Assalamualaikum,

I have some mental health related issues. When I was younger, I was quite close to my step-parents. However, as I transitioned from my late teens to early 20s, I rarely spoke to them anymore. They often crossed my privacy lines as they would read my diary out-loud to people and laugh about it.

When I was still in school, I asked them for financial help just to hear that they had no money for me. And thus, I developed trust issues and y friends even told me that I sometimes looked anxious.

Not long ago, a good pious man proposed to me. It was my first time to fully trust someone and be happy after a long time. He helped me to see what's right and wrong and helped me to understand Islam better. I really liked him but then one of my parents said they could see that this man would leave me in the future. I was really sad and disheartened but, in the end, we decided not to continue the arrangement. We are still both sad even until today.

Now, I feel like I tend to build a kind of "shield" to protect myself. I start to convince myself not to think about getting married or having kids. The idea was that I couldn't let anyone to come into my life to then leave or hurt me.

Can you please advise me?

Answer


In this counseling answer:

• It is important to have a positive and warm attitude toward yourself so that you can be strong in the face of adversity.

• If you still wish to marry the person who proposed to you and cherished you, I would suggest performing Istikhara (a prayer asking for guidance) and going ahead with the marriage if that would make you happy.

• On the other hand, if you are unable to get together for any reason, take it as a decree from Allah (SWT) and believe that He must have planned something better for you.


Assalamu Alaikum Sister,

In your post, you have mentioned that you have developed trust issues because your dad and stepmom breached your privacy and crossed boundaries which they had no right to cross (such as reading your diary and making fun of you in front of other people). Secondly, they also refused to support you financially even when you were in school.

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You have also mentioned that a pious man proposed to you, but your parents created a fear in you that he would leave you and hence you did not marry him. You are sad that you could not get together. Also, now you have created a “shield” around yourself so that you do not get hurt and you have convinced yourself that you do not need to marry or have children.

Step-Parents Doesn't Let Me Marry The Guy I Love - About Islam

Sister, from what you have told, I feel as though you are experiencing “abandonment anxiety”. Having had to become independent at a young age and dealing with rejection from your parents who are supposed to be your “secure base”, it is natural to develop anxiety and trust issues. It is apparent that you are a very strong girl who has gone through and bared a lot on her own! May Allah (SWT) make things easy for you.

While not having an inclination to marry or having children is absolutely up to you and is okay even if you feel that you want to be alone and independent, in our religion we are encouraged to marry as it keeps one away from sin, and also provides a loving companionship, which we as humans have a tendency to seek.

The reason why you are distancing yourself from the thought of marriage is that you have a fear of being rejected or abandoned – therefore, you want to protect yourself from being hurt. Your parents have been very wrong and hurtful in the sense that they broke your trust, did not bear your expenses and even created fear in you about rejection from the person who proposed to you and gave you happiness.


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While there is no guarantee that you will not be hurt in your relationships, sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith. I know it is easier said than done especially since your trust has been breached by such a primary source.

How to Overcome Your Fear of Abandonment

First, it is important to understand that having fears is normal – each and every one of us has fears about something or the other, at varying levels. However, when fears start interfering in our lives to the point that they hinder normal functioning – that is when it becomes a concern. If your fear of abandonment is hurting your relationships, you definitely need to address it.

Self-Compassion

Be kind to yourself. It is important to have a positive and warm attitude toward yourself so that you can be strong in the face of adversity. Being compassionate and kind to yourself is the first step in overcoming fear of rejection and feeling more confident. When people around us, especially parents, are critical or rejecting towards us, we naturally become critical of ourselves and start thinking as though we are not worthy of love, acceptance, or praise – this is how the fear of rejection develops.

Practice Mindfulness

Try to practice mindfulness – as it helps quell anxious thoughts. Notice your thoughts and feelings about your fears of rejection, neglect, and feeling wanted. However, do not get too indulged in the feeling. When we feel scared of something such as being abandoned, we are inclined to have a multitude of unreasonable thoughts that perpetuate and reinforce the fear.

Build Your Support Network

It is important to have a group of people that have your back. Find friends who have similar hobbies or are like-minded. Participate in activities that make you happy such as joining a craft class or going for Quran lessons. This will not only keep you busy but also give you a chance to meet new people and make friends who are genuinely interested in you.

Life Is a Test

Sister, this life is a test by Allah (SWT) and He has different ways of testing his Slaves. He tests each of us in different ways. Sometimes he tests us by finances, or health or He may test us through our loved ones.

In the Quran, Allah SWT says,

“And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits but give good tidings to the patientWho, when disaster strikes them, say, “Indeed we belong to Allah, and indeed to Him we will return” Those are the ones upon whom are blessings from their Lord and mercy. And it is those who are the [rightly] guided.

[He] who created death and life to test you [as to] which of you is best in deed – and He is the Exalted in Might, the Forgiving [67:2]

Have Faith in Allah SWT

Sister, do not consider yourself alone at all. Allah (SWT) is always with you; He is the All-Seeing (Sami’) and All-Hearing (Baseer), and He is also the Most Just. Do not feel pressurized by your parents regarding decisions of marriage. If you feel that a person can make you happy, and is true to his religion, do not hesitate to marry him only out of fear that he would leave you.

If you still wish to marry the person who proposed to you and cherished you, I would suggest performing Istikhara (a prayer asking for guidance) and going ahead with the marriage if that would make you happy. On the other hand, if you are unable to get together for any reason, take it as a decree from Allah (SWT) and believe that He must have planned something better for you.

Do Not Hesitate to Seek Professional Help

If you feel as though you are consistently having negative thoughts about being rejected or unwanted, and if it starts to affect your decisions and life patterns, do seek professional help such as counseling and talk therapy. It will help you make sense of things and help you find your path.

May Allah SWT guide you always. 

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

 

About Zainab Farrukh
Zainab Farrukh is a Counseling Psychologist. She is deeply inspired to bring about change at the individual, interpersonal and global levels.  She can be reached on her Facebook page – Thrive Now