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She Said to Move On, But I Love Her

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Feb 22, 2017

Question

Salam. I am a 26 years old Muslim boy. I love someone for 9 -10 years now. She is 25. My problem is that the girl whom I love does not love me, although she said she liked me and was willing to marry me. I’ve never met her in person. The problem is that her mother died and now she cannot say to her father that she wants to marry me as according to her that would hurt her father badly. She said to me to forget her. These days my parents are forcing me to start finding someone to marry. My only problem is that I cannot forget her. I tried all the possible methods but the more I try to forget her, the more I miss her. Please advise me what I should do. Should I wait for her as that's the only thing I could do to prove my love for her. Allah knows the best. Please guide.

Counselor

Answer


She Said to Move On, But I Love Her

Answer:

Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam brother,

It can certainly be distressing when you love someone and they seem to feel the same way back, yet there are so many obstacles in the way that prevent things from moving forward.

Obviously, to move forward in pursuing a marriage to her, you would have to do so in a way that is acceptable Islamically. This would involve meeting with her and her mahram, which assumingly is her father. If your parents urge you to marry at this point, then it might be that you could approach her father yourself asking for her hand in marriage and find out whether he would be against this. Or it maybe that you seek your family’s support in approaching her father and asking for his daughter’s hand in marriage. This way, he will be able to get to know your family. Maybe he will feel more comfortable at the thought of his daughter getting married if he knows that she is going to marry into a respectable family.

The point here is to avoid any contact with this sister in a haram way. That is, you should not be in contact with her, even via phone or email when the two of you are alone. She should always have a mahram present during any type of interaction between the two of you. This will not allow the doors for Shaytan to open and allow the development of feelings for one another to the point that you cannot forget and refuse to move on. If it is that this is the type of contact that you two have had previously, then it is important to be conscious of how Shaytan may have impacted on your feelings towards her developed outside of marriage. In such case, the best solution is to seek Allah’s (swt) forgiveness and ensure any future relations with her are kept strictly halal.

Your other option is to seek marriage elsewhere. Right now, you feel like you can’t move on, but once you look for marriage elsewhere, you will likely find that there are many other women out there that you could be equally compatible with, if not more. It is just that now you are so fixated on the woman you wished to marry that you do feel it is possible to love anyone else the same. This is mentally preventing from desiring to look elsewhere for marriage.

Islamically, it is encouraged to marry younger to have one’s physical and emotional needs met so that they will not be tempted to get into sinful relationships or seek to have these needs met in haram ways.

Waiting to marry can also lead to frustration which can impact on other areas of life such as work and study. Being in a loving, caring marriage can provide sense of contentment and completeness that can’t be obtained in other ways.

So, you have several options available right now. It for you to weigh up the pros and cons of either waiting for her or seeking marriage elsewhere. In this situation, it is highly recommended that you make istikhara and ask Allah (swt) to guide you in the matter.

Whatever choice you make, may Allah (swt) grant you a righteous spouse that will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

Salam,

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About Hannah Morris

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)

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