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Shall I Marry a Poor, but Religious Man?

15 February, 2018
Q A boy proposed to me for marriage on Facebook. He came to see me with his father, aunt, and cousin. It was a nice meeting. Then after 10 days, they invited us. My parents, my elder sister with her husband, my big brother with his wife went there with me, but they were not satisfied and now are against our marriage. But the boy’s parents don’t have any problem accepting me. My parents say that their house is too far in a remote area. They don’t even have basic supplies. My parents fear that something wrong would happen to me there and I would have problems adjusting to the place. But one thing I like the most about this guy is that he seems to be a good Muslim, alhamdulillah. What should I do? Should I go against my parents? But my father suffers from high blood pressure and is also diabetic. I fear I would lose my parents…

Answer


In this counseling answer:

“You could try to convince your parents to allow you and themselves the opportunity of getting to know that suitor and his family. Keep the channel of communication between you, your parents, and your siblings open so that you can exchange your views about this suitor and, hence, be able to arrive at the right decision that you all be content with, in sha’ Allah.”


As-Salamu `Alaikum dear sister,  

Of course, you should not go against your parents; however, you could seek to bring both different views closer together.

Your view is that he is a good Muslim and this is the thing that you like the most about him. Your parents are afraid that because his house is too far and in a remote area that you will not have the daily essentials. In addition, if something wrong happens to you, they will not be close to you and they are afraid that you will find difficulty in adjusting there.

Both viewpoints could be valid and should be put into consideration while thinking about the suitability of this suitor to you. Let us first discuss each viewpoint separately, then see what could be done to bring them closer.

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Concerning your view that he is a good, God-fearing Muslim is a high priority when thinking about the qualifications of your future husband and father of your children. However, it is not the only aspect of a suitable spouse; it is very important that you have many things in common so that you would be able to share a whole life together.

Another point that you should put in mind is that not all people who appear to be religious are truly religious and follow the real essence of Islam.

To be able to know a person well, you should have enough time to talk to that person and discuss many issues and to ask people who know that person to tell you details about his life, his character, his qualities, his weaknesses, and his relation with his family, friends, colleagues.

As for your parents’ concerns, if your parents allow you and themselves the time to know that person and after this time they find that he is a suitable husband for you who is able to protect their daughter and make her feel secure, then the issue of living in a remote place would not be of concern to them. They would also be able to know whether you would be able to adapt to his lifestyle and his family’s lifestyle or not.

Accordingly, you could try to convince your parents to allow you and themselves the opportunity of getting to know that suitor and his family. Keep the channel of communication between you, your parents, and your siblings open so that you can exchange your views about this suitor and, hence, be able to arrive at the right decision that you all be content with, in sha’ Allah.

Put in mind that, in general, one’s parents and siblings are the closest and know the most about a person, his needs, and what is suitable for him. You can decide if this is the case with you or not. If this is the case, then my advice to you is to consider their viewpoints and give it high importance in making your decisions in life.

I hope I have been able to provide some help. Feel free to write us back whenever you need any help.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more: 

Arranged Marriage: Muslim Women Speak Out

Thinking about Marriage? Avoid These Odd Marriages

 

About Layla Al Qaraqsi
Layla Al Qaraqsi has worked with islamonline.net since 2008. She has been the editor of the counseling section till May, 2013; then a counselor and writer since March, 2015. She has also worked in early childhood psychosocial development;and managed a support group in Egypt. Layla has been studying psychology and counseling since 2011 in the Islamic Online University (IOU) of Dr. Bilal Philips, University of North Dakota, and in several specialized psychological institutions in Egypt including Tawasol Center, one of the offline projects of Islamonline.net. Her studies also included group psychotherapy, psychodrama techniques, mindfulness.  You can contact her via: [email protected]