Answer
In this counseling answer:
If you are seeking a pious wife who has not indulged in any haram activity, you need to be practicing a similar lifestyle. The counselor, thus, advises the brother to make sure the both of them are serious about getting married, to talk to the parents of both sides, and to pray the istikharah before making any decision.
As-Salamu ‘Alaikum dear brother,
I would like to start off by asking you to seek forgiveness from Allah (swt) for the sin that you have committed. It is not allowed in Islam under any circumstances to maintain a relationship with the opposite gender without marriage. Allah (swt) advice us to lower our gazes even when considering marriage and meet in the presence of a chaperone. Therefore, given such strict guidelines, the first step is to seek forgiveness of Allah (swt).
Next, if the girl has had several boyfriends in the past, you need to discuss with her if she is considering marriage with you or if she is merely considering you a boyfriend and would like to “move on” soon if she finds someone else. This is something that you would need to discuss with her. You would need to see if she is genuinely interested in marrying you and if she is a sincere woman who can become a role model for your children in the near future.
The Prophet (saw) advised us to marry individuals who rank the highest in piety above all because piety will ensure success in the worldly life and in the afterlife.
With regards to her past, you need to consider your past as well. If you are seeking a pious wife who has not indulged in any haram activity, you need to be practicing a similar lifestyle. Although she has had several boyfriends, having this girlfriend and not marrying her and moving on will put you both on the same scale. However, this does not mean that you should marry her under any circumstances. This merely means that you should not consider her a “sinner” and avoid her. You should consider her desire to change. If both of you are sincerely interested in marrying each other, then you should both consider changing yourselves for the better.
In addition, you must ask Allah (swt) to ease matters for you. You should pray istikharah. I cannot stress the importance of this prayer. It is basically getting counseling from Allah (swt) Himself.
The istikharah prayer is a very simple prayer of seeking guidance. One prays two rakats at any time that is not disliked, after which one recites the supplication of istikharah. However, it is disliked to “hasten” in seeking the answer to one’s istikharah because the Prophet (saw) said,
“One of you is granted an answer (to his supplication) provided he does not say: ‘I prayed but I was not granted an answer.” (Abu Dawud)
Therefore, if marriage with that individual is beneficial for you in this world and the afterlife, then Allah (swt) will make it easy. However, if it is not good for you, then Allah (swt) will replace it for something far better. When you are seeking Allah (swt)’s guidance and answer, you must make sure that you are happy with the guidance that Allah (swt) provides.
Please remember that the core of being a Muslim is to put your absolute trust in Allah (swt). Accordingly, once you perform the prayer of Istikharah, you need to follow the guidance of Allah (swt) whether it means pursuing or abandoning the intended action.
Allah (swt) says in the Quran,
“And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allah – then He is sufficient for him. Indeed, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Allah has already set for everything a [decreed] extent.” (65:3)
In addition, Allah (swt) says in the Quran,
“But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.” (2: 216)
In conclusion, I am in no position to advise you whether you should marry this girl or not as it depends on multiple factors. Remember that a saint may have had the past as a sinner and a sinner can have a future as a saint. Therefore, try to talk to your parents and the parents of the girl and make a decision.
I hope my answer provided the guidance and solution you were looking for.
Salam,
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