In this counseling answer:
•Don’t feel ashamed; one should look at the practicalities involved in the marriage as well.
•While it is true that Allah SWT is the Sustainer and the Provider of Rizq, but it is also important that the man of the house is willing to work and shoulder the responsibility.
•If a husband expects you to share his responsibilities, you should also make sure and clear that they are willing to share in your responsibilities in marriage.
•A happy marriage is based on spouses who are open to and willing to communicate.
As-Salamu Alaikum Sister,
First, understand that when we perform Istikhara, we leave everything to Allah SWT. We only have limited perspective – whereas Allah SWT is the Best of Planners, and He is the only one who knows what is best for us.
Perhaps, you are seeing his house before hand was a blessing in disguise – you got to know what your life could be like after marriage. It is absolutely okay to reject a proposal because you feel as though you cannot live in that lifestyle or work all your life to pay off the loan you decide to buy.
On the other hand, if you feel as though you are having trouble moving on – you may even perform an Istikhara again for a couple of days, regarding marrying the guy; just to be sure.
It is also true that you won’t get everything in a relationship/proposal. However, you also do not have to feel guilty about dismissing the proposal because you felt your needs would not be fulfilled in the marriage. One should look at the practicalities involved in the marriage as well.
When marrying, consider the following:
Taqwa / Piety
Taqwa or religion should be the most important thing to look for in a man when marrying. If the person fears Allah SWT, it will ensure that he will never usurp your rights, and your progeny will also be God-fearing and pious, InshaAllah.
According to a Hadith,
“A woman is married for four reasons, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her piety. So you should marry the pious woman otherwise you will be losers” (Bukhari & Muslim). The same is also applicable to men.
In another Hadith the Prophet Muhammd SAW said,
“If there comes to you one with whose religious commitment and character you are pleased, then marry to him, for if you do not do that there will be tribulation in the land and great mischief’. They said: ‘O Messenger of God, even if he is such and such?’ He said: ‘If there comes to you one with whose religious commitment and character you are pleased, then marry to him’, three times. (Tirmidhi, 1085)
The financial status is also an important factor when marrying – especially for women. Since the man is supposed to be the “qawwam” or the main provider of the wife as well as the family; therefore, it is important that a woman marries a man who is able to take care of her needs as well as those of her children.
While it is true that Allah SWT is the Sustainer and the Provider of Rizq, but it is also important that the man of the house is willing to work and shoulder the responsibility.
Responsibilities in Marriage
Sister, I feel that while on the outside the guy seemed to be very gentle and accommodating – he might actually not be so. Since the very beginning, he was imposing something or expecting you to do something that is not your responsibility in marriage in Islam.
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If you are a working woman, it is likely to affect your own responsibilities. All this can affect you and your relationship with your husband.Therefore, if a husband expects you to share his responsibilities, you should also make sure and clear that they are willing to share in your responsibilities in marriage.
Last but not the least, one of the most important things to consider in a happy marriage is a spouse who is open to and willing to communication. Many times, we can have great conversations with others, however, the other person fails to see our perspective. This creates a block in communication and ultimately leads to the relationship deteriorating.
Ask Help from Allah SWT
Sister, marriage is a lifelong relationship, and it is best to weigh all the pros and cons before selecting a partner. However, there are also things that are beyond our control. Therefore, it is essential that you continuously seek help from Allah SWT for His guidance and mercy. I wish you all the best in everything.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.