I am 23 now, and sooner or later I am going to be married. I think I am a bit different person from the rest.
I have always thought that marriage is all about love and care. The most romantic thing I could imagine was looking in the eyes of my partner and kissing his forehead.
However, my friend at college once told me about “what happens after marriage”. I didn't agree with her, and honestly, I didn't understand what she had said! She told me about sex which I had no idea about.
This was the first time, and I listened to her with full attention. I could not believe my ears it was that shocking.
For almost a week, I didn't feel well. My friend advised me to research on the topic because it was really going to happen and I must prepare for it. So, I did some research.
First, I felt bad in my heart; I felt Allah would not like it. Then, after reading only one article, I gave up. It was really hard for me to accept it.
I strongly believe in love, and sometimes I imagine my future husband. I want to get married, but I am not ready for sex.
One more thing: during my research, I felt sexual arousal. That was really disturbing, so I just closed the pages. Now, seldom, I feel sexual arousal which makes me feel really bad.
But my friend told me about this thing, so I try to take it as totally normal. I am really confused. Should I research more on this thing? Please guide me about this matter. Thank you very much.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
It’s all about being mentally prepared for it, and acquiring knowledge about it.
Do some research on this matter and educate yourself.
Having sexual intercourse with your spouse is counted as sadaqa (charity) in Islam.
The marital relationship is to be established on a basis of mutual understanding, compassion, and love.
Salam ‘Alaikum,
Thank you for sharing your problem with us. I can understand your concern. May Allah (swt) ease whatever worries you, in sha’Allah.
Let me analyze your question and try to advise you the best I can.
You are not necessarily a different person just because you don’t feel ready to have intercourse.
It is quite natural, and many girls are scared of it before marriage.
It’s all about being mentally prepared for it, and I think you should get knowledge about it, as your friend said.
Do some research on this matter and educate yourself.
I am sure when you know more you will feel more comfortable about it.
Fear of sex
Kindly find some recommended articles at the bottom of the page which, I think, would help you greatly in the process of overcoming your fear of sex, in sha’ Allah.
Your sexual arousal at times also indicates that your body is ready for it and that you will surely want sexual intercourse with your husband once you get married, in sha’ Allah.
I can understand that you may find it frightening, and that’s why it will be important for your future husband to be patient and understanding.
Communication is, therefore, very important between a husband and a wife, and respect for each other’s feeling should always be considered.
Check out this counseling video:
Gender difference
You have to know also that men have different sexual nature to a woman.
Women mostly want a romance like you mentioned: “looking into his eyes and kissing on the forehead”.
The majority of men, on the other hand, show romance and love by having intercourse.
Thus, it can be frustrating for the husband to not be able to have sexual intercourse at all with his wife.
In sha’ Allah, you will marry a man who will be understanding and willing to wait until you are ready to have it, but his needs could go the wrong direction.
He may release his urges by masturbation, watching porn, committing zina, or having a girlfriend.
All of these activities are strictly prohibited in Islam and could – directly or indirectly – harm your relationship.
Worry
So do not worry; having sexual intercourse with your spouse is counted as sadaqa (charity) in Islam.
It is also a wonderful thing that strengthens the bond between a husband and a wife while keeping him (and you) from getting into something haram, as I mentioned above.
Islam is a religion of love and kindness, and marriage has an important and respectable place in it, subhanAllah.
Marriage is one of the noblest of human relationships and the foundation of a society.
Love and affection are translated into action through the expression of kindness, sincerity, and mutual respect.
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (Quran 30:21)
Mutual understanding
The verse indicates that marital relationship is to be established on the basis of mutual understanding, compassion, and love.
This is not a one-way relationship, rather something that both the husband and the wife must maintain together with closeness, affection, softness of heart, and mutual caring.
This is the way that the “tranquility” mentioned in the verse is realized.
You are right; marriage is about love and care, and there are many ways to show them.
Sometimes, you show care and love by actions, and sometimes by verbal use. Sex is one of such ways.
I am sure you will be fine after marriage. Don’t stress and over think about it; everything will come naturally, in sha’ Allah.
May Allah (swt) help you.
Salam,
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