Answer
In this counseling answer:
“Another reason why it’s difficult is the fact that the traditional support systems, which were once very reliable in helping a potential spouse know whether the other person is a good match, are not as strong and reliable as they once were.”
As-Salamu ‘Aleikom,
“Why is it that some people get married so easily while others need to climb the mountain?”
I cannot answer the first part of that question because only Allah (swt) knows why it is harder for some than others. However, in general, marriage has become a difficult step for young people nowadays all over the world because
1) People Have Strayed from the Original Intent of Marriage
I believe one thing that we notice about the trends happening now, especially among young people who want to get married, is that adults in the society have created all kinds of cultural and worldly ways of making marriage difficult for people. I see this happening all the time not only here at AboutIslam, but also from the work, I do in the country where I reside.
Marriage has become such a production! We have strayed so far, in my opinion, from the original intent and simplicity of the Islamic marriage to where it has become more about maintaining worldly status and gross earnings. There is so much tinkering by family members who have their own hidden agendas for why their son/daughter/niece/nephew, etc. should marry person A rather than B, and it has nothing to do with what Allah and His Prophet (saw) have taught us. Furthermore, there is entirely too much focus on wedding rather than marriage.
I just witnessed my own brother-in-law and his new wife break off their engagement because of the meddling by family members demanding this and that: ask for another ring, more gifts, etc. If it weren’t for Allah giving them the strength to persevere and the patience to deal with it, I think they would have given up.
This raises the question about the institution and process itself. What is marriage for? Why are we marrying? Whose decision is it whom to marry?
These are basic questions that are difficult to answer nowadays because weddings and marriage have become tools for other things even though Islam provides us with the very straightforward answers to these questions. Marriage should actually be easy, especially for young people who really need it.
So getting back to your question, I think that’s one reason why it’s difficult for some people nowadays.
2) Weakness of the Traditional Support Systems in Societies
Another reason why it’s difficult is the fact that the traditional support systems, which were once very reliable in helping a potential spouse know whether the other person is a good match, are not as strong and reliable as they once were. This comes with the dramatic changes in society that we have seen over the past century that include the decreased role of the extended family and community as an important support for people wanting to marry. Now we have online matrimonial sites which are alhamdulillah helpful for some, but can be very risky for many others. Socially and as a community, we don’t do enough to help our brothers and sisters find suitable matches, and we have fewer and fewer means of knowing the “quality” of potential spouses.
Allah (swt) says the good men are for good women and good women for good men but, still we often read news about how men or women who are supposedly good mistreat their spouse or divorce her/him for the smallest thing. What defines good?
As for the last part of your question, I think what you say is true. From what I’ve seen and heard from many Muslim women, the mistreatment of women is rampant in our community. Whether it’s any worse than before, Allah knows best; perhaps, it’s only because now women are less afraid to come out and share their stories.
So, I don’t think the definition of ‘good’ has changed; it’s only the fact that, as the saying goes, “good men (and women in some cases) are hard to find.”
This is also due to the decreasing level of Islamic knowledge and application of knowledge in the context of family life. We simply do not realize how important marriage and family are, and how important it is to carry out our responsibilities with the utmost care.
I hope I could help,
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
