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Marriage First Night: What’s Expected of Me?

22 January, 2017
Q As-Salamu `Alaykum. I am engaged and getting married very soon. I am a bit worried about what is expected of me on the first night of marriage. I would appreciate it if you could advise me on what to read as well as what my husband expects of me. May Allah reward you for your help.

Answer

Answer:

As-Salamu `Alaikum,

Thank you for writing to us. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. We make du`aa’ to Allah (swt) to bless your union and to grant you righteous offsprings. Ameen.

First, plan to make Islam the foundation of your personal and marital life and, in sha’ Allah, all aspects of your life will be blessed by Allah Most High. We appreciate your desire to learn more about what is expected of you, and we encourage you to read books such as The Muslim Marriage Guide by Ruqaiyyah Warith Maqsood, and The Family Structure in Islam by Hamuddah Abd Al ‘Ati. Both of these books provide excellent understanding of the marriage process and the rights and responsibilities of the spouses towards one another.

The idea should not be for you to overwhelm yourself with reading a lot about marriage and establishing a family. The idea should be for you to internalize the meaning of key concepts such as mercy, compassion, love, tranquility, compromise, and mutual consultation, which are central to having a successful marriage. Too often people end up taking a theoretical, abstract approach to marriage; therefore, we suggest you make it more real by thinking how you yourself fare when it comes to these qualities. How do you rank your husband with regards to these qualities? What is his self-assessment like? How can you improve? How can he improve?

Second, the first night can be a wonderful, spiritually uplifting experience with proper care and attention. This night should be seen as the first of so many comforting, peaceful nights that, in sha’ Allah, you and your husband will spend together. The nervousness in the spouses usually arises for at least two reasons:

1. Attempts to live up to fairytale and movie-based accounts of what first nights are supposed to be like.

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2. A disproportionate emphasis on sexual relations; even though by the time the entire wedding ceremony is completed, both newlyweds are physically exhausted, to say the least.

We want to suggest that you do everything you can to minimize the negative impact of these two reasons. Think about it: it is a lot more memorable for both of you to plan to spend the first few intimate moments alone together just praising Allah (swt), making du`aa’ to Him to bless your marriage and to grant you righteous offspring.

There should be no expectations other than to enjoy each other’s company and to become comfortable being intimate with one another. If both of you feel inspired to attempt to have intercourse on the first night, that is alright. If either of you feels too exhausted and would rather just fall asleep in each other’s arms, then that should be an acceptable option for both of you as well. Remember, you should be communicating with your husband-to-be before the first night, so major questions such as whether or not you will start a family right away are already discussed and dealt with. 

Finally, we wish you the best with your upcoming marriage. In sha’ Allah, you will find some time to read and to internalize the teachings of Islam with regards to marriage. Do your best to talk to your fiancé so you can ask him the question, “What do you expect of me?” and he can ask you the same question. Remember, make the most of your first night, but do not become so stressed thinking about the first night that you do not enjoy it! Make this night a memorable one for you and your husband, in sha’ Allah. Remember Allah (swt) much and give thanks to Him.

Salam,

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About Dr. Abdullah Abdur Rahman
Dr. Abdullah Abdur Rahman had obtained his Masters and PhD in Social Work and has worked in the US as a licensed social worker since then. His focus is on counseling Muslims in non-Muslim countries, with special emphasis on life in North America, counseling adolescents, pre-marital counseling, online counseling for married couples and da`wah (inviting people to Islam).