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Man Proposed to Me Whom I Don’t Like: Shall I Say Yes?

Questioner

S

Reply Date

May 29, 2017

Question

My husband passed away quite long time ago when I was young and had young kids. I never married upon till now. After a year, a relative person I used to talk to after the death of my husband. He wanted to marry my daughter but then he began to have feelings for me which I never knew until I released few years after confronting him. He told me the truth that it happened with no intentions. It genuinely happened which I find it hard to believe. He is 10 years younger than me. I don't have feelings for him in that way. He is constantly asking me to marry him and cries on the phone. I have no idea what to do. When I hear him crying, I feel like am punishing him and I should marry him but on the other hand I don't know how the family is going to react to this. If I stop talking to him, he starts taking sleeping tablets. He tells me there's no harm in marrying me. I need your guidance. Please, what to do?

Counselor

Answer


Man Proposed to Me Whom I Don't Like: Shall I Say Yes?

Answer:

As-Salamu ‘Alaykum sister,

Thank you for writing to us sister and trusting us with your most important question. I am sorry to hear of the death of your husband many years ago. May Allah (swt) forgive him and grant him Jannah. Amen.

Regarding your question, I am not clear about one portion of it which is about this man’s relationship to your daughter. If he did marry her, of course, he is forbidden to you. If he did not and had no relation, then it is not haram. For the sake of clarity, I will proceed as if he was not married to your daughter (he just inquired) and did not have a relationship with her.

I think you already know what to do as you stated: I don’t have feelings for him in that way”.  Sister, while the age and initial reason for contact do not really matter in marriage, the fact that you have no feelings for him in that way, according to you, does.

In marriage, it is important to want to marry that person for the sake of Allah (swt) as well as for a compatible companionship within a marriage. The fact that you do not have feelings for him as a potential marriage partner says a lot. If you do not have feelings after talking to him in a halal manner for this long means that more than likely they will not develop in the future.  Also, as he initially wanted to marry your daughter, this may cause some confusion in your heart later on.

Another point of concern is that you stated he is crying on the phone and he takes sleeping pills if you stop talking to him. Sister, it sounds as if he has unresolved mental health problems. It would be wise if you did not marry him as it could lead to further problems and dependency issues.

I want to make it clear, sister, that you are not responsible for his mental health status, his taking pills or his crying. It is not your obligation to marry him or resolve any of his issues for him.

You stated you feel like you are “punishing” him by not marrying him, then you try to rationalize it saying that you should marry him but have concerns about what the family would say.

I kindly suggest sister that you take a deep look at yourself to find out what it is that you are seeking from these interactions. They are unhealthy, yet you “feel guilty” for refusing to marry him. Please, ask yourself, “Why I am still talking to him, what I am getting from these conversations, what need/void in me? Does this fill or I think it fills”?

The best thing you can do for the sake of Allah (swt) as he is your brother in Islam is to refer him to his imam for counseling or a counselor in the area. He sounds unstable at this point and it is not your fault. I would kindly suggest that after you refer him to counseling you cut off all communication with him as it is unhealthy for you as well as there is no need to be talking with him at this point and it is haram. It may be hard at first as it seems you have a big heart and want to help him but only he can help himself with Allah’s (swt) guidance.

Sister, please take care of your own needs in regards to decreasing stress, eating healthy, praying, reading Qur’an and drawing closer to Allah (swt) for protection and comfort. You are precious to your family, friends and to Allah (swt).

It seems as if you are really stressed out over this. I encourage you to cut it off and take care of yourself so that you may be able to move forward in your life.

You are in our prayers. Please let us know how you are doing.

Salam,

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad

Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word poetry projects.

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