Loneliness is Killing Me | About Islam
Home > Youth Q & A > Want to Get Married > Loneliness is Killing Me

Loneliness is Killing Me

Questioner

G

Reply Date

Feb 05, 2019

Question

As-Salam Alaikum.

I am a revert sister from America who has been struggling with loneliness and depression. I live alone and all but one of my friends live off campus. I’m busy with work, school, and learning about Islam, but there is always this cloud of loneliness hanging over me. It goes away when I pray or read Quran and the few times I hang out with friends. But then it comes back. I don’t have a strong family structure, so I don’t really see them much. Lately, it has been overwhelming. Tonight, I cried while doing wudu’ and praying magrhib. The loneliness I feel is crushing me. I really want to get married, but I have no way to find any prospects.

My community is unwilling to help me in my search. My Imam told me to find my own husband and then come back to him for my nikkah. I tried finding a husband a year ago, but my wali was kind of lazy so I went online. I was considering marrying someone, but he refused to talk to my wali or meet my mother, and he wanted to keep our nikkah secret. I had enough sense to figure out something was off. In addition, it distracted me; it became like a part-time job.

I asked a muslimah friend of mine who has been acting as a mentor. She is unwilling to help me because she does not believe I am ready. She believes I am not serious about my prayers because I asked her a question about being late for prayer due to work or classes and she mistakenly thought I was skipping salaah altogether. She also thinks that I will get pregnant and never finish school. I have no desire to have children before I get my degree. I make du'aa’ and try to not let my loneliness distract me, but my health and mentality suffer. I eat more and exercise less.

I hate going home, knowing that I will be the only one there. I am not afraid of falling into haram acts like dating or zina, but I fear for my mental health. What should I do?

Counselor

Answer


Loneliness is Killing Me

In this counseling answer:

• Interacting with other sisters in this way might also assist you in feeling less lonely.

• Talk to Allah about your loneliness.


Salam ‘Alaikom dear sister,

One of the key symptoms of loneliness commonly cited in the psychological literature is the experience of depression, so it is understandable that you feel down. Naturally, the feelings of depression will subsequently lead to eating more and exercising less, as you have said here.

Ma sha’ Allah, you say that you feel better when you pray, read Qur’an, and meet with other people – during those times when you are in the company of others, either conscious of Allah’s presence or physically with people. You have also said that you are seeking to get married. Certainly, this is one of the best ways by which you can not only overcome the feelings of loneliness but prevent yourself from committing zina.

It was narrated that: Alqamah bin Qais said: “I was with Abdullah bin Masud in Mina, and Uthman took him aside. I was sitting near him. Uthman said to him: ‘Would you like that I marry you to a young virgin who will remind you of how you were in the past?’ When Abdullah saw that he did not say anything to him apart from that, he gestured to me, so I came and he said: ‘As you say that the Messenger of Allah said “O young men, whoever among you can afford it, let him get married, for it is more effective in lowering the gaze and guarding one’s chastity. Whoever cannot afford it, let him fast, for it will diminish his desire.” (Ibn Majah)

When you are alone, it is easier to fall into Shaytan’s traps and seek company online, for example, to fill the gap that loneliness leaves you. But instead of seeking men online and committing sin, there are plenty of sisters’ circles online where you will find many other sisters going through the same as you are. Not only can this be comforting to know that you’re not alone, but maybe they would know of someone who is looking for a spouse.

Interacting with other sisters in this way might also assist you in feeling less lonely. Obviously, having an online social circle is no replacement for face-to-face interaction, but it might be enough to give your psychological well-being a bit of a boost and give that drive to get out and mix with others.

It is a shame that your local imam was of little help when you sought assistance in finding a spouse. Perhaps, you might want to try asking the sisters in the mosque if they know of any man seeking a spouse. Or at least they could ask around. That might sound a bit desperate, but you are going about it in the correct way.

You did the right thing to avoid moving forward with the nikkah you mentioned, and your instincts served you well and prevented you from getting into a potentially damaging relationship. You have a healthy outlook on getting into a positive relationship that will be good for you and not distract you from your deen. In fact, in a relationship, a couple will usually support each other in growing closer to Allah (swt).

There is no harm in asking questions. We won’t learn if we don’t ask, so it is unfortunate that your friend took it to mean something other than what it was. Perhaps, you could make it clear to her why you are seeking marriage at this point and that it is for all the right reasons. In fact, it is exactly the reason why, as Muslims, we are encouraged to marry young – to avoid falling into zina, to complete your deen, and fulfill the gap in your life that causes you to feel lonely.

Talk to Allah (swt) about your loneliness. He (swt) will hear your prayers and open doors for you that will lead you out of your loneliness, in sha’ Allah, whether that be through meeting a spouse or becoming more socially involved. He (swt) knows what is best for you. Your situation is a test from Allah (swt). Don’t fail it by overcoming it in haram ways. Instead, remember Allah (swt) and bare it with patience. Allah (swt) will hear you.

Given that you say you feel at ease when praying and reading the Qur’an, you might want to also engage in acts of dhikr (remembrance of Allah) more often, even outside of times of prayer. This will serve as a constant reminder that Allah (swt) is with you which can work in your favor in a number of ways. It can reduce the feeling of loneliness in the knowledge that Allah (swt) is always there. Having Allah (swt) in mind will prevent you from doing haram, and as you are showing your devotion to Him (swt), He (swt) will reward you for this, in sha’ Allah.


Check out this counseling video:


A novel way you could try to do this could be engaging in dhikr as you exercise. Exercise is a natural mood booster anyway, so it will be beneficial to your psychological well-being, and including the element of dhikr can give you that added boost, too.

May Allah (swt) bring a suitable spouse to you when the time is right that will sooth your loneliness and be the coolness of your eyes. May He (swt) keep you on the straight path and bring you happiness and contentment in this life and the next.

Amin,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

Be Proactive: Say Goodbye to Ramadan Loneliness

Over 40 & Still Single: Dealing with Loneliness

The Loneliness of New Muslims Explained




About Hannah Morris

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)

find out more!