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Is He Really the Right Man for Me?

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Mar 12, 2017

Question

As-Salamu ‘Alaykum. I am a 26 year-old girl, and I met this guy for marriage through my parents. I found him decent and religious enough. I did istikharah and though I did not get any clear sign or indication, I decided to go ahead with him. But then my mother prayed istikharah, too, and she had very bad dreams. She repeated it three times, and each time she had worse dream than the previous one. Now, she is adamant that accepting this boy’s marriage proposal is going to be like going against Allah's will. The boy has also prayed istikharah twice after which his dreams can be interpreted as neutral, or positive or even random ones but definitely not negative. My family has been searching for husband for me for two years now, and nothing has worked out because we have some family issues. I’ve begun to feel dejected seeing my family’s disappointment each time. I personally like the boy, and it seems we have good compatibility and might have a good relationship in sha’ Allah which is why I don't want to let it go. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

Counselor

Answer


Is He Really the Right Man for Me?

Answer:

As-Salaam ’Alaykum sister,

It sounds you need more time to get to know this brother and to figure out what exactly you are looking for in a man. You said you “found him decent and religious enough” and that you did not feel any special pull or excitement for him. On top of that, your mother had three bad dreams about him. For some people, that is enough to move on since our mothers generally have great instincts, and we should be open to our parents position, especially if they are not making false claims or excuses not to marry someone. Discuss further with your mother why she feels this brother may not be a good match besides her dreams. Does she have concrete reasons and understanding about his character that she can reveal and share with you?

You also mention you have been searching for suitors the last two years and none have worked out due to a “family situation.” What is this family situation and what role does it play?

It is understandable that you or your parents may feel disappointed with suitors not working out. However, marriage is not something we should force or push if God is not facilitating it with ease. Sometimes, God protects us from situations we cannot recognize initially. Do not despair and do not give up; sometimes, it takes more time than we think to meet the best person. Remember, it has to go both ways: they are a good match for you and you for them.

Marriage is a serious life-long commitment that requires a lot of reflection due to the risk factor of getting married with anyone. You need to ask yourself what you can give in a marriage as well as what you need and expect from a marriage. In my opinion, marrying someone who is “decent and religious enough” is not sufficient for a life long journey. If you are driving across America, do you want to use a car that is good enough with gas mileage and safety features, or prefer something more reliable? Marriage is the same. Start the inner process of asking yourself and future partners the following:

What are your top needs for a marriage, things you cannot live without? This list below will help you consider your needs.

  • Kindness, care and affection
  • Conversation
  • Family commitment
  • Religion and Spirituality
  • Financial support
  • Good character, especially honesty and reliability

Here is an excellent resource for any premarital process. Read these questions and select the ones that you think and feel are most important to you. This can help guide your decision process with this particular brother. If you two share a similar vision of marriage, personal needs, expectations and life goals, then perhaps he is a good match for you. You will only really know by engaging in a deep process of getting to know someone. Praying istikharah can be helpful, but it is not the only way to know nor does it provide enough information as dreams can be interpreted in a variety of ways based on intention and agenda. It is better to get direct proof through getting to know someone more deeply.

Lastly sister, remember you are marrying to fulfill a deeper dimension of your relationship with God.

“Remember Me and I will Remember you.” (Quran 2:152)

 Salam,

***

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About Karim Serageldin

Karim Serageldin, founder of Noor, completed his BA in psychology & religion, followed by an MA in east-west psychology with a specialization in spiritual counseling. He is a certified life coach with years of teaching and community outreach experience. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship, family and youth coaching. He provides seminars and workshops in the United States. You can contact Br. Karim at: http://www.noorhumanconsulting.com or facebook.com/noorhumanconsulting


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