Answer
Answer:
As-Salamu `Alaikum Brother,
Thank you for sending us your question. May Allah ease your mind and lift the anxieties and doubts residing in your heart.Your question is a very complex one. It sheds some light on how human beings can hold secrets and how the effects can manifest themselves in our real lives.
Allah says in the Quran,
“He knows that which deceives the eyes and what the breasts conceal.” (40:19)
Allah knows what we hide in our hearts and what we choose not to face. We hide secrets and repress thoughts that we are ashamed to face, but we are never alone.
Truly Allah knows and He wants us to be honest with ourselves and to face our innermost fears. Only by facing the truth, no matter how hard and terrible it may be or feel, can we attain peace of mind and live an upright life, as Allah says,
“Oh you who believe! Be upholders of justice, bearing witness for Allah alone, even against yourselves…” (04:135)
From your question, you have described your fiancé as a God-fearing woman who is known to be a good practicing Muslimah. She has never had any pre-marital relations with anybody in the past, yet you have obsessive thoughts that she somehow did. She has even sworn to you by Allah that she hasn’t. You also mentioned that you have no reason to believe that she has had pre-marital relations in the past, but you just can’t take these doubts out of your mind.
The answer lies within the question you wrote to us!
You have mentioned that you have had pre-marital relations in the past. You had many girlfriends; however, deep down inside, you believed that having these kinds of relationships before marriage was wrong and haraam.
So in this instance, you lived a double life. You believed that having girlfriends was wrong but you did it anyways for whatever reason.
In order to avoid feeling bad about yourself, you avoided your thoughts. You avoided facing the truth that you were doing something wrong and may have even hid this way of life from your friends and family out of shame. In psychology, this action is called suppression.
What was taking place was something that you did not condone, but the fact that you did it anyway caused you anxiety. So instead of facing it, you consciously suppressed it by moving these thoughts into your unconscious mind, somehow hoping that it would go away or that you would deal with it later.
Alhamdulillah, somehow along the way, you chose to stop these actions. You even decided not to ever do them again. You asked Allah to forgive you and you wanted to move on with your life and get married. It seems like you did this rather quickly, or without really facing what you have done and taking ownership of it.
You indeed asked Allah for forgiveness, but what you seemed to forget to do was to forgive yourself. You hated your actions, and this hate did not go away because you still may be feeling ashamed of what you did. This feeling of guilt was so strong within yourself that it hurt to live with it day after day.
Your mind needed an outlet to relieve this anxiety within you, so instead of facing it yourself, you put it on your fiancé.projection, in which an individual attributes to other people impulses and traits that he himself has but cannot accept. It is especially likely to occur when the person lacks insight into his own impulses and traits.
From your description, your fiancé seems like someone you truly admire. She has traits that you look up to, such as the fact that she is God-fearing, is steadfast in her faith, has never had pre-marital relations, and that she loves you.
Since you have never forgiven yourself for what you have done, you may unconsciously feel like you do not deserve her.
My advice to you brother is to first look within yourself. Face the fact that you had pre-marital relations in the past. Think about your actions, acknowledge that you have done them and accept the fact that you did indeed do them.
As Muslims, we believe that Allah is all-merciful and there isn’t a sin that He will not forgive. Allah knows that we humans will be making mistakes – we were destined to sin. But it takes a special person to own up to his/her mistakes, learn from them, and have trust in Allah that He will forgive if we sincerely ask for forgiveness. Only then can we move on with our lives.
Think about it, if Allah forgave you, who are you not to forgive yourself? Don’t be so hard on yourself, the fact that you acknowledge what you have done and did tawbah makes you special.
May Allah help you to overcome these anxieties within yourself and grant you a happy and successful marriage. In psychology, this unconscious action is called Since you are attributing these actions to her instead of yourself, you are feeling that you cannot forgive her if she had pre-marital relations. As a result, you are constantly suspicious of her.
Salam,
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