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I’m Fine with Marriage – Without Sex

05 April, 2020
Q Salam. I am 20-year-old female and my issue is that I am not afraid of the responsibilities that I have after marriage.

However, one thing I can’t comprise is that I don’t want to fulfill my husband’s desires. I don’t want to do intercourse at any time he wants.

As all people say. if the husband calls his wife to have sex, then she has to obey him. Just tell me, is the wife not a human being?

Does she have no life? Does she have to do everything according to his mood?

I think I will have intercourse because of having kids but after kids, I will never ever have intercourse with him.

In fact, I will hate him if he will say to me that he wants intercourse.

Is there no duty on the husband to control his desires after marriage?

Should I marry or not with such thoughts? I can take care of his health, his everything very honestly, but intercourse I can’t.

Answer


In this counseling answer:

One of the most effective ways to tackle this is to improve the love between you.

As the love is strengthened between you, your desire to be intimate with him will also increase.

Spend quality time together.

If he is willing to make some compromises for you, then you should also be willing to do the same for him too.

Seek counseling.

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Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

It certainly can make for an uncomfortable marriage when both spouses have different ideas about things. In this case, your husband expects you to obey him and have intercourse at his request, but you don’t believe it should be this way.

This causes difficulties in your relationship, especially due to your lack of desire to have intercourse with him.

One of the most effective ways to tackle this is to improve the love between you. As the love is strengthened between you, your desire to be intimate with him will also increase. There are several ways you can improve the feelings between you.

Remember why you fell in love with him in the first place

At some point in your marriage, you have been completely in love with him for one reason or another. Perhaps you liked the way he looked, the way he treated you or his manners.

Find these qualities in him again and spend time focusing on appreciating these, rather than those things that you despise. This will help to soften your heart towards him.

Spend quality time together

Block out an evening a week/fortnight/month depending on your usual schedules, where you will spend time alone together doing something enjoyable that you both enjoy, such as going out for dinner, or a walk.

On these occasions you can talk about good times you have shared together and smile over past memories with gratitude. Sharing positive moments together can be a way to promote positive feelings between you both.

I'm Fine with Marriage - Without Sex - About Islam

Work on common goals

You might think of starting a new hobby together, such as a sport, or a course. Working on a common goal plans you in a pi2where you will be encouraging each other to perform well. This seeks to strengthen bonds between you as you achieve things together by supporting each other.

Talk and compromise

It may be that your husband is unaware of your feelings. If he is not aware of them then he can’t do anything to change his behavior towards you.

This is most easily resolved by talking to him about it to make him aware of this. This way you can come to some kind of compromise where you can both have your needs met to some extent at least.


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Perhaps he could agree to be less demanding, if you agree to abide by some of his requests. Perhaps there are certain things that might be easier to make a compromise with.

If he is willing to make some compromises for you, then you should also be willing to do the same for him too.

Seek counseling.

You could attend marriage counseling or even seek counsel with your local imam. The latter of which may be specially used as he will be able to advise you both based on Islamic wisdom.

In particular, he will be able to guide your husband on how best to utilize, without abusing his position as a husband according to Islamic values, and likewise for you too.

Spend some time apart. 

Often when couples spend every day together they can easily come to take each other for granted. When this occurs, it becomes easy to focus on their faults out of frustration and overlook their positive points.

This can lead to the feelings of repulsion that you seem to feel right now. Taking some time apart can be an easy way to give you the space to miss each other and remember all the good points and good times you have shared in your marriage.

May Allah bring you happiness and contentment in your marriage and make you the coolness of each other’s eyes both in this life and the next.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Hannah Morris
Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)