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I Wanted to Marry Her, but She Left Me for Another Guy

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Sep 09, 2018

Question

Assalamualaikum. I used to be in a long distance relationship with my ex-girlfriend. She came over to meet me during her holidays. There was a time she slept over at my mum’s house. She came out from the toilet when I was in sujood. She came to me and ask me a lot of questions regarding Islam. I tried my best to answer each of her questions (I guess it wasn’t good enough). Every day I make dua that one day Allah would open up her heart to accept Islam.

When she was in Canada to study, she started developing a relationship with her Korean friend and we broke up. She came back messaging me that she still loved me and missed me. However, she was still together with the guy. I too still love her so much (I wanted to marry her in the future, God willing), but she broke my heart when I found out that she had intercourse with the guy once. She fell in love with the both of us.

I felt totally betrayed and started cursing her out of rage (I shouldn’t have done that). I apologized afterward. I love her so much that I forgave her. I did so many sacrifices for her. It hurts me until today. We are totally separated but she said that she would wait for me at the cafe in Japan where we first met. Is it weird for me to make duaa that Allah gives the best for her and ask Allah S.W.T to soften her heart and guide her to Islam?

Counselor

Answer


I Wanted to Marry Her, but She Left Me for Another Guy

In this counseling answer:

• Make istikhara on the matter and allow Allah to guide you.

• Ask yourself if the way you are feeling is simply a result of having had this relationship with her.


Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,

May Allah guide her and all other non-Muslims to the path of Islam. There is no harm in making duaas like this for her and other non-Muslims. You can continue to do this for her regardless of whether this ends in a marriage between you or not.

To help matters and avoid prolonged haram contact between you, you could direct her to some of the online organizations that offer a course in Islamic studies so she can learn about it herself, especially since it seems that she is quite curious, and in sha Allah see the light of Islam.

Of course, while you are not married, she is haram to you so you need to be careful about any contact with her. If you wish to pursue marriage to her, make sure to do so in the correct way.

Make istikhara on the matter and allow Allah to guide you both to marriage if this is what is good for you both. If it is not, then he will separate your ways and your hearts.

When considering whether this woman is the one for you, bear in mind how the relationship started. Almost inevitably when a man and woman spend intimate time together, they will develop feelings for one another. So, ask yourself if the way you are feeling is simply a result of having had this relationship with her. This can lead to confusion about whether you truly love her, or whether you can attain the same feelings with someone else in a way that was developed via more correct means.


Check out this counseling video:


If all this is because you are at the stage in your life where you would like to marry, then there is no harm in you seeking marriage elsewhere. You are not obliged to this present woman.

Understandably, given your history, you donate feelings for her which will make it difficult to look elsewhere, but keep in mind how those feelings developed in the first place that may be tainting your view of where to go from here and restricting you from seeking other options.

If you still choose to meet her, make sure to have someone else with you at least so you are not alone together. This will also allow for the presence of someone who is neutral and impartial in the matter and better able to advise you on whether taking things further with this woman is a good idea or not.

May Allah guide you both and grant you happiness and contentment in this life and the next.

Amen,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

My Girlfriend Has Left Me: I’m Lost

Girlfriend After Girlfriend: Will Allah Forgive Me?

Committed Zina with a Girlfriend: How to Fix It?




About Hannah Morris

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)

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