Answer
Answer by Counselor Abdullah Abdul Rahman:
As-Salamu `Alaykum,
Thank you so much for writing to us. We understand how painful it must be for you to have lost the person whom you loved. It is never easy to be close to a person, to become attached to them, and then to have them leave you or break up with you. Deal with the pain by reminding yourself of the mercy of Allah Most High. Be grateful that Allah Most High helped you to walk away from committing further sins. The fact that you were guided to Islam is truly a sign of the mercy of Allah.
In a human sense, it is acceptable that you feel bad because you think she has a broken heart, too. However, it is not your responsibility to worry about her; as a Muslim woman, she is responsible for her own actions in the final judgment. In sha’ Allah, we make du`aa’ (supplication) to Allah to help you recover from your pain. Ameen.
We want to tell you that only time will heal your broken heart; thus, you have to be patient. Realize that since Allah has guided you to Islam, all of the sins you committed before becoming Muslim have been wiped out by Allah. Don’t you want to start your life over again? Since you were still dating this young woman even after becoming a Muslim, we strongly suggest that you repent for actions related to that relationship and any other sins you feel you committed. You owe it to yourself to give up your pre-Islamic lifestyle and, in sha’ Allah, come to terms with your new life as a young Muslim.
We suggest that you do not have any more contact with this young woman. You are still vulnerable and Satan could tempt you into either longing for her or into actually seeking out another young woman to fill that void in your life. Fight these temptations. Be strong, in sha’ Allah, and seek help from Allah Most High to set your life aright and go on with your development as a young, strong servant of Allah.
Answer by Counselor Karim Serageldin:
As-Salaam ’Alaykum brother,
It is unfortunate that you are going through so much pain right now. To feel the things you do is understandable as long as they are in balance with God’s principles. Your life has more meaning than being in love with a girl. Having a wife is one component of your life, but not the defining one. You are still young in age, and your heart is tender. The tender heart hurts and bleeds most the first time it is broken. When we are young, we feel that nothing is more important than “love.” In the Quran, God says:
“There are those that love things equal to God, but the true believers love God above all else.” (2:165)
Believe it or not, this includes men and women who are in love with one another. The pain seems to be last forever, but it won’t. It will get easier, and there is much to learn from what you shared. Please, take the following points of advice to help you get on with your life in the most balanced way in sha’ Allah.
It is noble that you intend to marry her one day, and in sha’ Allah God will help you marry whoever is best for you in this life and the next. You can pray istakharah (supplication for guidance in making a decision) for God to facilitate what is best for you.
Maybe this relationship is not a good thing for either of you right now. It might be in the future, it might not be. You cannot be upset with God’s will, nor can you make anyone love you or come back to you. Praying for something does not mean you will get it, and wanting something is not the same as getting what you need.
Perhaps you and this girl are not meant to be, and you must accept that. All you have right now is patience. Patience is the ability to live with what actually is, not what we want. Being in pain and complaining will not change what actually is; it will only make you feel worse.
Now, start taking the steps to get over your ex-girlfriend.
- Get busy with anything. Keep your mind off her by not thinking about her and replaying over and over again what happened. You are the only one who will suffer. Move on with dignity.
- Remove anything in your life that reminds you of her (texts, emails, pictures, objects etc.) – out of sight, out of mind.
- Stay social, be with friends and family. They will offer you support, remind you of your good traits, and increase your hope for a brighter future.
- Stay firm in your prayers and know that God sometimes removes things from our life for something better. Don’t let Satan make you feel despair and make you impatient and displeased. In all things there is good to be found, and time will heal.
- Take your time with the marriage process. When we are young, we think we know what we want and need, but oftentimes we are mistaken. Trust that marriage will happen at the right time as long as you take the right efforts that follow the principles of your religion. Do not see these attempts as “failures”, but as learning experiences. Maintain your positive outlook of yourself with more humility for growth. The realization that you can always use to improve yourself throughout life is a powerful and attractive quality (Quran 91:9-10).
May God marry you to the best potential partner and make you an incredible husband to a lucky sister one day!
Amin.
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