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I Loved Him Because He Was a Muslim

18 January, 2017
Q First of all, I do really appreciate your web site which I found stimulating and has helped me to know and understand more about Islam. I would like to submit you what happened to me because, even though one year has passed, I still can't find peace and my heart is still broken into 1000 pieces. I hope and trust your words will help me to understand things or try to accept them. Three years ago, I got to know a Muslim guy (Egyptian). He was living abroad at that time (because of his job), and I was on holidays. We fell in love with each other, and even though we were living in two different countries, we started to know each other through mails, calls, and visits. He was the one who contacted me first after I came back home, and he really showed me that he wanted me. After 3 months, he paid me the first visit; he got to know my parents and told me his feelings. Since that time, he told me he loved me, and I was given to understand that he was already thinking about spending his whole life with me. I was so much happy as I was already feeling the same towards him, and I was already feeling I found the man God had made for me. I was waiting so much (at that time I was 28 years old, and he was 26 years old) behaving in a good and decent way and, finally, God made me meet the one who was made for me. This was really the feeling I had. (I have to say that, even if I come from the West, I don't have the habit you usually think all the people from the West have about relationships between men and women. )I see myself as a very honest and decent person. He used to tell me that I am a very beautiful human being. During the two years we stayed together, we shared a very deep, pure and great love and dreams about our future together: our own family, kids, etc. Once, when he was visiting me (we have always tried to visit each other as much as we could during ours two years), he asked me to go and stay for few months in his city with his family so that I could see if and how I could match with a new and different way of life. I agreed. He told me about the house he bought for him and his wife, and told me that it was for us...In fact, he asked me to marry him. I said yes, and we were both so much happy! We didn't tell our parents. He told his parents after a few months, and I think they were happy and agreed. They always told me I was like a daughter to them. I really liked them so much, and started loving them as they were my family. I didn't tell mine, as I thought it would have been better to talk about it when he would visit to talk to them about his feelings towards me. Well, I can say that maybe from that time our problems started. He decided to return to his country to settle down. After that, I would have to follow him. Everything became difficult. He was without a job (although I knew he would have had a good job soon as he was so good in his job). This situation was so humiliating for him because he didn't have money during that period. I had my job here, but I started to look for another job in his country, which was difficult. At first, he wouldn't agree. This period was really hard: I was suffering because I was feeling for his situation - (job, studies, old friends, new friends after 5 years of living abroad...), not giving me so much attention. For sure, I was not used to getting less. He was feeling that I couldn't support him through the most difficult moment in his life (anyway, this was the perception he had that time about that period. I should have understood it more. )Today, I can say that it was like we failed in understanding and supporting each other in our needs. In general, we were so proud about the way we stayed together; we had a great level of communication, and we were always full of respect and sincerity and care for each other. I needed to feel that even if he had returned to his home country, with his new life there, I always held first place in his heart. He needed to feel more support and comprehension. The last period before our relation ended was so sad and hurt me so much. It was like I was feeling something strange but couldn't determine what. Apparently, everything was normal. We went to see our home, looked at furniture, discussed decoration, etc. After returning to my country, I asked him to come and talk to my parents. He told me that this custom is important in his culture (as in mine, when it comes to very respectful families like mine). I thought it was their right to hear the proposal from him. I was deciding whether to leave them for a few months. He would have taken good care of me during the next few months as we decided to try to stay together for a period of time to see if we could match on the long term. He didn't agree, because he felt we weren't at the stage whereby he could ask them to marry me. He proposed to me personally already, so from his point of view, I would have to go there first. We would have tried staying together and then, only then, he would have proposed to my parents. I felt so much humiliation and hurt. I also felt I didn't have the respect I deserved. I was not from his culture (although he always respected me), that is why it was so unbelievable. Did I deserve a different treatment because I was not a Muslim? Would he have asked a Muslim girl to leave her country, family, job and friends without even talking to her parents? I don't think so! Would a Muslim girl do it? Again, I don't think so, (but on that, please, tell me if I am wrong). So I decided not to leave my job without finding a new one in his home country, because I started having doubts; If I leave everything for him, and then he decides to leave me, what do I do then? My life will be destroyed. That's what I decided, when after few weeks, we broke. It was his decision and totally unexpected. I can't explain my feelings. It was like someone had killed me. He broke my heart and betrayed me, our love and our dreams. I still consider the way he treated me without any respect, and for this I can't forgive him. I also can't forgive him for all our dreams and promises he broke. If he wasn't sure 100%, why was he so serious about us? Lot of thoughts flying around in my mind since then. As I said, one year has passed, but I can't forgive or forget. It seems to me that I can't love anyone again as I still love him. I'm full of anger towards him. I feel like he wasn't mature enough for our love, but, at the same time, it can't be the fault was only on his side. I know for him religion was so important and I loved him also for this reason. Now I know that I loved him because he was a Muslim. When he told me that our kids would have been Muslims, I agreed very naturally, because if they would have been like him, I would have been completely happy and satisfied, but I don't think he trusted me on this point. I felt like he was always so much worried about this issue and wouldn't give me a chance. I was always so happy to see him praying, because it creates a lot of peace inside me. It was me who started studying Arabic, because I really felt this and I love so much this language. I know that he was so worried about matching the different ways of life. He thought that even if I was ready to do it, it would have been only because of my great love for him. He was afraid us to fail, and he didn't want it to happen. The perfect woman (and the perfect man!) doesn't exist! On the contrary, he would have had to give me more time to adapt myself to the new situation. If he really loved me and felt he couldn't live without me (as he always told me). I simply would like to know your idea about this story. Maybe, you will help me to see things in a different way. Another question: If God has decided we are made to be as one, will we meet us again, even if now seems so impossible? Thank you so much.

Answer

Answer:

My dear sister,

What you have experienced is not an uncommon story, I am sorry to say. Many non-Muslim women are attracted to Muslim men because of the way in which this comprehensive religion shapes the characteristics of Muslims. The non-Muslim woman, in fact, falls for these characteristics, never seeing the man and frequently confusing what Islam asks of us with the other characteristics of the man who is a Muslim. It was more your soul that was attracted to him as a Muslim, and your ego was attracted to the idea of a man who could be like this.

As Muslims, we try each day to become better, and like all humans some days are easier than others. However, I must say that you were justified in your anger, for no Muslim man should expect any woman, whether Muslim or non-Muslim, to renege on respecting one’s parents and to live in sin with him. Chastity before marriage is for both Muslim men and women, and relations with the opposite sex (those one can marry) is forbidden for reason which your story highlights.

As regards family relations, yes, it was for his family to contact your family as regards marriage. The fact that he dithered over this and made it your responsibility points to his lack of commitment.

There were two things you were aware of, but have ignored which would help to balance your feelings.  

  • “I know for him religion was so important and I loved…”
  • “When he told me that our kids would have been Muslims, I agreed very naturally, because if they would have been like him, I would have been completely happy and satisfied, but I don’t think he trusted me on this point. I felt like he was always so much worried about this issue, and wouldn’t give me a chance…”

Generally speaking, a truely Muslim man will separate his emotions from his desires, especially when it comes to choosing a future wife. Islam asks of us not to just consider ‘love’ as a notion in itself, but to consider whether the person is suitable in terms of establishing a stable home that can raise children. All this man knew of you is what you shared. Part of what you shared were the troubles he was facing when he returned home, and it was extremely important to him that he knew you could be there for him psychologically and emotionally.

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As you said on reflection: “Today, I can say that it was like we failed in understanding and supporting each other in our needs”. This is very important. When it mattered, much misunderstanding took place between the both of you, and he had no way of making sure that he was making the right decision. How you view love and how he viewed love might have been two very different things when it came down to it. Also, as a man, he needed to know that he could provide a home for you and a life that would not change things in your relationship.

As for your second question, it is related to your first question. I ask you this question: How do you know that God has chosen him for you? This notion is, I think, an element of romantic stories and love songs that perpetuate the belief that for everyone there is someone. If we take this in a broader sense, one can say yes, there is! The question then is: Is this according to type rather than a particular person?

Philosopher G. I. Gurdjieff observed: “If people were to live in essence, one type would always find the other type and wrong types would never come together. But people live in personality. Personality has its own interests and its own tastes which have nothing in common with the interests and the tastes of essence. Essence knows what it wants but cannot explain it. Personality does not want to hear of it and takes no account of it. It has its own desires and it acts out its own way, but its power does not continue beyond that moment”.

You say, “Now I know that I loved him because he was a Muslim”. Is this a type or the person himself? You met him by all intents and purposed by accident, but in God’s book there is no accident. There is something that is called the law of accidents. The law of because and effect, or in this case ‘magnetism’, brought about the attraction of two totally different people. Did he come into your life for a reason? What if the reason is other than love and marriage?

Sometimes thing happen to us from out of the blue (as far as we are concerned) in order to initiate something greater. Depending on how attached to the material world, it can create a spark within our souls. The trick is whether that spark catches on. Under the law of accidents, that spark causes a different orientation and redirects us. If we are not distracted, we sense that spark that we are not frightened of, we observe it and during that observation an understanding begins to unfold. We try to look for the way in, because it offers us more than the mundane that we have become succumbed to – I was always so happy to see him praying because it creates a lot of peace inside me… or “It was me who started studying Arabic because I really felt this and I love so much this language…” and “Now I know that I loved him because he was a Muslim…”. Think about it.

Salam,

***

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