In this counseling answer:
• What you are feeling may not necessarily be an attraction towards those girls but could even be a self-exploration phase for you.
• I would suggest that you stay away from friends who may pressure you or make you feel bad for not having any girlfriends.
• If you continue to have obsessive or repetitive thoughts about the girl, or keep feeling low or stressed, then I would suggest you seek professional help from a psychologist.
Assalamu Alaikum Brother,
I am sorry that you are experiencing such difficulties in your life at the moment. From your post, I understand that you recently took admission in a co-education university. Before this, you had only studied at a boy’s school. The issue you are facing now is that you feel overwhelmed by girls. You are not attracted to any one girl in particular but sometimes feel as though you are drawn to one girl and at other times to another.
You have also mentioned that you feel inferior because one of your friends has already made friends with a girl, while you, on the other hand, have not been able to do so.
Yet another thing you have mentioned is that you think excessively about any girl you talk to and then feel sad when you realize that she may not be thinking about you.
Brother, I think you are feeling this way because you have not been exposed to girls before.
What you are feeling may not necessarily be an attraction towards those girls but could even be a self-exploration phase for you. Since you have not interacted with many girls before, you may find that you like particular aspects in one girl (such as her looks) and other things in other girls (for instance their behavior or the way they carry themselves). Hence, you are noticing different things you like in the opposite gender.
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However, you should also be aware that our religion does not allow free mixing of men and women. Therefore, you should maintain certain limits when interacting with the opposite gender. If you are talking with them because of work or studies, you can do so without crossing the boundaries prescribed in Islam.
At your age, it is very natural to feel a pull towards girl or women, especially if you have not had any previous interaction with them. It is natural to feel curious about what women/girls are like, what they think and how they behave, etc. However, you should also make a note not to make it into an “obsession”. That is, thinking too much about girls all the time. If your thoughts are not controlled or focused, it can cause problems in your life. Not only will you be mentally stressed all the time but your studies will also be affected.
As you have mentioned, your male friends are making friends with the girls, it is important to realize that you do not have to do the same! If you do not make friends with girls, it will not make you any less superior or less qualified. I would suggest that you stay away from friends who may pressure you or make you feel bad for not having any girlfriends.
I think you are still too young to be thinking about girls from a romantic perspective since you have just started your professional studies and have yet to start a career. In Islam, the only relationship that is allowed with a girl is after marriage or nikkah. It is definitely too early for you to think about settling down or taking responsibilities for a family.
It is not unusual for boys to talk to girls or vice versa when you are studying together or working in a professional setting. However, maintaining relationships or friendships with a girl is prohibited in Islam.
Focus on Your Studies
As you have just started university, your focus should be on your studies and get a good GPA, so that you can be successful in the future. A lot of students fall back on grades once they enter university, and this is because they stop focusing on their studies and get involved in relationships, university politics etc.
Do Not Associate Your Feeling of Self-worth Based on Friendships
From your post, it is apparent that not only do you think too much about your feelings towards girls, but you also associate your feelings of self-worth to your relationship with girls and what they think about you. I think it is an unhealthy pattern, which you need to consciously work on. You need to stop relating who you are as a person, to who you are friends with. Instead, focus on your personal strengths and positive points and work on them to feel better about yourself.
Seek Professional Help
Brother, if you continue to have obsessive or repetitive thoughts about girls, or keep feeling low or stressed, then I would suggest you seek professional help from a psychologist. It would help you to organize your thoughts, and help you focus on your future and your goals.
May Allah SWT guide you on the right path.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.