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I Have Feelings for an Unknown Man Online

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Aug 02, 2017

Question

Asalaam aleykum. I enjoy reading and learning from Islamic groups on Facebook regarding different issues and also contribute to the discussion. However, after reading this strange man’s comments, I started having strong feelings for him, without chatting to him or knowing what he looked like. This has never happened before. So I went on his profile just to study his page, not his pictures and the feelings grew stronger because I liked his Islamic posts, the way he carries himself and the mature comments. I am not interested in this person. I just can't help how I feel and I've been making duas to forget him, but for now, the feelings are still there. So, I will delete my Fb account, but before I do it, do you have any advice for me? I am a single mom of two and I don't want to have such feelings because it's affecting me, plus I'm just uncomfortable with it.

Counselor

Answer


I Have Feelings for an Unknown Man Online

In this counseling answer:

“I would kindly suggest looking at your fears and understanding where they are coming from as well as assess your readiness for a marriage. I do not recommend that you delete your FB page over this man and your feelings for him. Perhaps once you are comfortable, introduce yourself to this man and state you appreciate his Islamic posts and see where it goes.”


As-Salamu ‘Alaykum  sister,

Thank you for writing to us. Alhamdulillah, we are so happy that you like our page and enjoy reading our posts. In sha’ Allah, may Allah (swt) guide us and be pleased with our efforts.

Regarding your attention to a brother’s posts, it is a good thing that you have found his postings to be Islamically upbuilding. As an Ummah, we are supposed to inspire and build one another up Islamically. The fact that you are drawn to this man and want to know more about him is natural, sister. There is no sin in that. In fact, as sisters, we are supposed to seek out spouses who are practicing Muslims and those who capture our attention by their maturity, morals as well as other things.

The fact that you have developed feelings from his words is not a bad thing, sister. It could actually lead to a good thing. We never know what Allah (swt) has for us. I am wondering, as you are single, why are you making du’aa’ to forget him? Is he married? If not, please do analyze what it is that is making you uncomfortable. Are you still getting over a bad marriage? Are you afraid of getting hurt or rejected? Do you carry any unresolved trauma, or are you just not interested in marriage at this time?

It is natural to be attracted to a man and wanting to get to know him for the purpose of marriage providing he is permissible to you and it is done in a halal way. By the way, sister, it is okay to look at his pictures. There is nothing wrong with that. As long as you are not lusting after them or obsessing over them with sexual thoughts, it is okay. In fact, the Prophet (saw) told men to go look at the one they intended to marry.

In our daily lives, we go to work, school, shopping and we see men everywhere! We do not get upset about that, yet when we are seriously interested in marriage (maybe not you right now) some people refuse to look at or talk to the person until they are married and that is not what Islam says. There are things that are haram and things that are permissible. Looking at his picture to see if he is someone you could be attracted to for marriage is permissible. Obsessing over it, however, is not.

The Prophet (saw) said: ‘When one of you asked a woman in marriage, if he is able to look at what will induce him to marry her, he should do so. He (Jabir) said: I asked a girl in marriage, I used to look at her secretly, until I looked at what induced me to marry her. I, therefore, married her.” (Abu Dawud)

While this is in regards to one who is seeking marriage it is also illustrative that we must first see that which we may pursue the halal.

In sha’ Allah, sister, please do look inside of yourself and see what it is that is making you uncomfortable and resolve it. Secondly, there is no wrong in feeling something for a man based on his worthy Islamic posts, maturity, and his pious nature. Many wonderful introductions leading to marriages have started off by noticing one’s piety and Islamic principles, as it should be.

I would kindly suggest looking at your fears and understanding where they are coming from as well as assess your readiness for a marriage. I do not recommend that you delete your FB page over this man and your feelings for him. In sha’ Allah, seek to understand your feelings and seek to gain a resolve and have peace with them.  Perhaps once you are comfortable, introduce yourself to this man and state you appreciate his Islamic posts and see where it goes. We never know what Allah (swt) has in store for us, nor do we know in our limited ability where it will come from.

Make du’aa’ to Allah (swt) that He (swt) guides you in His way. May Allah (swt) bless your efforts.

Please, let us know how you are doing. 

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad

Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word poetry projects.

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