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Help Me, I Am a Slave to My Desires

26 March, 2017
Q Salam ‘Alaykum. Thank you for the wonderful services provided by your website. Please help me to return to the path of Allah. I am a single male who has been living abroad for the last four years. Because of my weak iman (faith) at that time, lack of self-control, and bad company, I committed adultery. I used to meet some ladies who stay near where I live (they are not prostitutes.) I had a sexual relationship with them, and finally, I started a close relationship with a married lady who was not satisfied with her husband. I couldn't control myself, and her feelings towards me were so strong that she made it difficult for me to leave her. May Allah forgive me as she has my baby in her country. The day she gave me the news that she was pregnant, my soul died and my iman weakened. Now, I am in such a state that I can't concentrate on my prayers and religious issues. Alhamdulillah, I pray regularly, I fasted in the month of Ramadan, and I have tried to fulfill religious obligations, but without concentration—I have lost the presence of Allah. I did something haram knowingly which makes me unable to repent in front of Allah. I have strong sexual desires, and I am still in search of a sexual partner. I have no concentration in work or in anything else except sex. Because of my parents’ wish that my sister should get married first and then they will think about my marriage, I can't ask them to arrange for my marriage. I prompted and told them on many occasions about my marriage, but they ignored me. Sometimes, I get angry with them. They are afraid of the society and that people will blame them if I get married before my sister. I can't tell them my problem. I read many of your fatwas on how to control sexual desire, and how we should fast. But even while fasting the month of Ramadan, I couldn't concentrate and fulfill the requirements properly, because my mind was always in need of sex. So how could optional fasting help me control myself? Please, give me solution for my problem. How should I make my soul alive? What about the baby I have? How should I face that fact when it cannot be changed? I am afraid that if that lady returns, I will meet her. We are in continuous communication over the phone. How can I convince my parents about my marriage? How can I return to the path of righteousness? I am very stressed. I live neither for Allah nor for myself. I am just like an earning machine for my parents.

Answer

Answer:

Wa ‘Alaykum Salam,

Brother, you are in a very difficult situation. The first and most important thing you must take care of is to find a way to marry the woman whose child you share. You must make that relationship and the birth of your child legitimate. You must make an all-out effort to talk with your parents and help them understand the gravity of the situation. You must find a way to make your parents understand that culture must take a back seat to deen (Islamic way of life); especially in this situation, and as such, you must marry the woman that you have been involved with immediately. If there is absolutely no way for them to understand or give you their blessing, then you need to consider marrying without their blessing, which is of course not desirable, but in a situation like this, it is the lesser of two evils for sure.

Aboutislam scholar states: “According to Hanafi scholars, marriage is obligatory when one knows that one will commit zina (illegitimate sexual intercourse) if one doesn’t marry. But only if:

  • One has the means to marry and support one’s spouse
  • One will be able to fulfill the rights of one’s spouse and not wrong them.

Marriage is disliked when one has reason to fear not fulfilling the rights of one’s spouse or being a “wrong-doer.” And it is haram to marry when one knows surely that one will not fulfill their rights or will wrong them. It is prohibited to marry in such a case, even if one knows that one will fall into zina because harming another is worse than harming oneself. This is a very important principle in the Shari`ah (Islamic law). When someone falls into zina, for example, they essentially wrong only themselves directly as zina normally takes place between two outwardly consenting individuals. Harming one’s spouse though not fulfilling their rights or wronging them is graver than zina which is a major sin. This is why Islamic scholars emphasize that one should prepare oneself for marriage by learning about the rights of one’s spouse and then working on oneself to be able to fulfill these rights.”

As you can see, brother, in certain cases where you are prone to commit zina, it is obligatory for you to marry, assuming you have the means to and feel confident that you can fulfill the rights of your potential spouse.

In addition to marriage, you must make a sincere and serious effort of tawbah (repentance) to Allah (swt). You are aware of the seriousness of your sins, as your plea for advice indicates, and you must find a way to channel that into a sincere and humble repentance to Allah (swt). It is also important to be mindful of the fact that Allah’s (swt) mercy is beyond our comprehension, and that regardless of how hard or far we fall, with sincere and serious tawbah, in sha’ Allah, He (swt) will forgive us.
So don’t despair, despite the seriousness of the situation. Be sincere, that is the most important thing. Allah (swt) loves sincere repentance! You say that you are having trouble repenting to Allah (swt) knowing that you have been committing sins knowingly. This is most likely because you are not sincere in your tawbah. You must believe that you can leave these sins and that Allah (swt) will forgive. Without sincerity, there is no point in doing anything we do in Islam. Allah says in the Qur’an,

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“Ask your Lord for forgiveness and then turn in repentance to Him,” (11:3)

And He says,

“O you who believe! Turn in sincere repentance to Allah” (66:8)

The Prophet (saw) said:

“The adulterer is not a believer while he is committing adultery, and the thief is not a believer while he is stealing, but there is a chance for repentance; (if he repents, Allah will accept the repentance).” (At-Tirmidhi)

The conditions for repentance are well known:

  • Leaving the sin
  • Remorse over having committed the sin
  • Resolve never to return to the sin
  • If the sin relates to the rights of another person, then return the rights or property one wrongly took. (Al-Bariqa Fi Sharh Al-Tariqa: Riyad Al-Salihin)

I hope and pray Allah (swt) makes your path back to Him easy for you.

Salam,

***

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About Dr. Abd. Lateef Krauss Abdullah
Dr. Abd. Lateef Krauss Abdullah is a Research Fellow at the Institute for Social Science Study’s Community Education and Youth Studies Laboratory, Universiti Putra Malaysia. He received his B.A. from the University of Delaware (U.S.), his M.S. from Columbia University (U.S.) and his PhD from the Institute for Community & Peace Studies (PEKKA), Universiti Putra Malaysia in 2005 in the field of Youth Studies. Abd. Lateef is an American who has been living in Malaysia since 2001. He is married and has 2 children.