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Follow-up: I Can’t Forget This Guy

25 June, 2016
Q As-Salamu ‘Alaikum, Thank you for Dr. Aisha Swan for replying my question previously. I have been doing fine Alhamdulillah, and my PhD is also going great thanks to Allah. However, unfortunately, my feelings for the guy have not reduced in any way. I have done everything possible to eliminate these feelings, but they just don't go away. I even wish sometimes that I could hate him so that these feelings would go away.I haven't been able to make friends here, mainly because all of my colleagues are men. Most of my friends back at home have gotten married so they are busy with their own life. I also went to Islamic gatherings but there the language becomes a barrier and the girls are very young in age so there isn't much to talk about. I keep myself busy by working most of the time, but by the end of the day, I just miss talking to him.I don't know if I even have a question to ask because you already mentioned what I should do. I guess I just want someone to hear me out without judging me. Recently, I found out his mother passed away, and I felt so upset about it because I know he was very attached to his mother. I even cried and prayed for his mom, for him and his family even though I know I have no relationship with him whatsoever. I think I have completely lost my mind over someone who does not even think about me. But I still have this hope in my heart that he will come back. I know it's wrong to think this way. I wish I would stop hoping and just forget him.

Answer

Answer:

As-Salamu ‘Alaykum my dear sister,

I am very happy alhumdulilah to hear of your success in your PhD studies! It is not easy, being in a new country, and new environment away from home. I am very proud of you and your efforts. I understand you still miss him dear sister. We often miss those who we use to be close to when we do not have other things to fill that void of closeness. I am sorry there are issues with language barriers, connecting with sisters and so on.  However, in sha’ Allah, in time you will make connections.

Try looking on the internet for meetup.com and see if there are any groups in your area for expats, or Muslims, or even something you may be interested in learning (if you have time 🙂 ). I know when I moved, I did not know anyone and I joined a meetup group here for Arabic Language as I wanted to learn Arabic. I met a few wonderful sisters and we are still close and do things together. I also joined a Meetup for Qur’an Reading and Study and met several nice people that way. I also started taking power walks for exercise, and along the way I would take pictures of flowers and beautiful things I saw. This lead to my interest in attending Islamic Calligraphy gatherings and meeting more nice sisters. The point is dear sister, the more you expand your thinking creatively and do things that interest you, the more chances you will have to meet new friends.

Also, concerning your thinking about that guy, try to let the thoughts pass when they come.  Just let them flow through, without giving them any other thoughts such as recalling memories or thinking of what you wish could be. That gives the thoughts more power. Let them flow through your mind and dismiss them with another thought or activity that is not related to him. In time yes, the thoughts will get less, if you do not empower them. Also, when you get out more, (which you have been doing and I’m so happy and proud for your efforts!), you will find your mind will become preoccupied with other new things besides him.

Sister, Allah loves you and has blessed you with a wonderful opportunity. But please, in sha’ Allah, just remember that with blessings often comes tests. This may be your test. Please stay strong in sha’ Allah! I know you can! Besides, Allah (SWT) has your future husband waiting for you, but how can Allah (SWT) bring you your husband when you are still thinking about this guy, who gives you no thought?

Please make du’aa’ that Allah grants ease and enables you to release what is not good for you (thinking of him) and bring you to that place of freedom wherein your heart can be open for your future husband in sha’ Allah.

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You are in our prayers sister,

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About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha has a PhD in psychology, an MS in public health and a PsyD. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years at Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. She has worked with clients with mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, panic disorder, trauma, and OCD. She also facilitated support groups and provided specialized services for victims of domestic violence, HIV positive individuals, as well youth/teen issues. Aisha is certified in Mindfulness, Trauma Informed Care, Behavioral Management, Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and Confidentiality & Security. Aisha is also a Certified Life Coach, and Relationship Workshop facilitator. Aisha has a part-time Life Coaching practice in which she integrates the educational concepts of stress reduction, mindfulness, introspection, empowerment, self love and acceptance and spirituality to create a holistic healing journey for clients. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocates for prisoner rights/reentry, social & food justice, as well as advocating for an end to oppression & racism. In her spare time, Aisha enjoys her family, photography, nature, martial arts classes, Islamic studies, volunteering/charity work, as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.