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I Can’t Live with the Shame of My Past



Reply Date

Jan 22, 2019


As-salamu Alaykum.

I'm very ashamed of what I did. But I want a solution for this shame. I was a person of good moral, but then I met a girl. We both started liking each other and got into a relationship. I have never wanted to talk anything bad with her, but then she started emotionally forcing me to talk about things we should not. After hesitating, I did. Then she asked me to have physical relationship with her. I never wanted and resisted first, but after her emotional talks, I did it. Then I went so deep in sinning that I no longer cared about what was right and what was wrong, and we actually did zina.

After some time, she changed and started having close male friends which really annoyed me. After too many fights, I left her. Then another girl came into my life and we decided that we will live forever. I had zina with her too as I no longer cared about anything But then I left her too because I saw her in a very bad video with another guy. Many months later, I realized the seriousness of my sins and repented to Allah.

Now, I don't even look at girls and I don't respond to girls when they try to flirt with me. I'm really ashamed. I don't know how to live with this shame. I don't feel good at all. Those two girls still say they love me and they're waiting for me to marry them, but I don't want to go back to them. My question is how to live happily after all this guilt? How to live after knowing I've destroyed the lives of two girls? I'm just feeling so guilty, and I know probably you must be also feeling disgusted of me. My last hope is only in Allah's mercy now.



I Can’t Live with the Shame of My Past

In this counseling answer:

• Stop the blame and take ownership of what you have done.

• Pray as much as possible and get yourself involved in new activities.

Dear brother,

Before we look at your situation, you need to know the underlying fact that your move to approach AboutIslam is already a step closer towards achieving freedom from your past sins, in sha’ Allah. Take a minute and reflect back. You clearly see and acknowledge your physical relationship with girls before marriage. This is considered haram in Islam, as you know. However, you realize it is wrong; you have been repenting, and your aim to seek forgiveness from Allah (swt) will not leave you in a void.

It is very easy for individuals to get attracted to all such things, especially at a fragile phase of life. You are too young, and it is common for people to go astray. Despite the company which has been forcing you towards wrong, it is your own will and resistance power that takes you towards or away from wrong. Therefore, instead of blaming the girl for getting you used to a physical relationship, you need to understand that it was your shortcoming in this aspect.

This is because of the sexual needs that flourish as soon as children step into their teenage years. The real strength lays controlling these desires and expelling them in a legally permissible manner. Stop the blame and take ownership of what you have done. Once you practice this, and since you already realize that you committed wrong, you are already halfway up the ladder.

You contradict your own thoughts when you say a girl introduced you to the world of wrong, but then you blame yourself for ruining her life, despite the fact that she was not sincere with you. In other words, you are not responsible for the life of the two girls you have met because they were equally involved in what you both did.

Every relationship is based on the efforts of each of its member. So, free yourself from this thought. If they had been sincere with you, they would have been involved in neither pro-physical relationship nor inappropriate activities. Instead, these girls would have rather asked you to marry as stated by the religious laws. If they still tell you that they are available for you, ignore them and move on. Stop contacting them because your relationship is now over. It is coherent that you are not ready to take things ahead with these two girls. Tell them to move on as they are no longer your chapter of concern.

Once you are through these steps, you will certainly be in a state to see the world in a more positive life. Place your trust in Allah (swt) and know that He (swt) forgives, in sha’ Allah. If you do not repeat these sins and continue to seek forgiveness, He (swt) will surely forgive you and help you in your journey of piety. Mistakes are a part of human life, and when it comes to a relationship, you need to know they are weaved to be ended. So, forgive others, especially yourself.

Check out this counseling video:

Pray as much as possible and get yourself involved in new activities. It can be anything of your interest. With time, it will take you away from your past. Remember, the most important requirement of change is realizing and acknowledging that the acts you committed were wrong. With new activities, you will soon come across different people; mingle with them. Focus on your career and choose ways to earn. Once you are stable in life, marry someone and everything will be good In sha’ Allah.



Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Atika Ali Hussein

Atika Ali Hussain received her BA in Social Sciences from Shaheed Zulfikar Ali Bhutto Institute of Science and Technology (SZABIST) and has 3 gold medals in Psychology. She has been working as freelance writer for 6 years for WriterBay and volunteering in an orphanage. You can contact her on her blog: www.lifelogpkblog.wordpress.com

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