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Beating the Break-Up Blues

05 September, 2017
Q As-Salaamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullah. I am a 20 years old student. I had a friend whom I was interested to marry. We were in contact for 3 years approximately, but alhamdulillah as soon as any temptation would happen, he stopped talking to me. I even underwent a trauma in my life due to this which has resulted in borderline personality disorder. So because of this and few other health issues, I don’t want to get married and spoil the life of my future children. As for this friend and I, we both have repented Alhamdulillah and parted our ways. I am no longer in any contact with him for 3 months now. But I don’t know why I still keep thinking about him almost all times which badly affects my studies. Studying in a co-ed collage makes things just worse regarding fitnah. I have moved on, and I don’t want to remember anything about him. Please suggest me some remedies using Quran and Sunnah, and some medicines to help me heal depression. I am also suffering from insomnia. JazakAllah khayran.

Answer


In this counseling answer:

Get the mental health treatment you need, engage in the Islamic community, focus on your studies and remain close to Allah (swt) through pray and supplication. You will find your life path increasing with blessings, and your hurt and pain slowly dissolving in sha’ Allah.


As-Salamu ‘Alaykum,

Thank you for writing to us. I am sorry to hear of your issues with depression, insomnia and borderline personality disorder. I am wondering dear sister were you diagnosed by a mental health professional as borderline PD with depression? If so, I urge you to return to counseling if you have stopped.

It sounds like you are going through a lot of stress right now. Our underlying mental health issues always worsen when we are under stress. I kindly suggest you utilize stress reduction techniques as seen here. In addition, taking care of your body by eating healthy foods and exercising will also act to reduce stress, promote better sleeping, and help alleviate depression.

While only your doctor can suggest medications for your depression and borderline PD, I can suggest Yurba Mate, Kava Kava and Valerian. Please do review this link as each herb is for a specific issue. They are not to be taken with certain medications. Check with your doctor before starting any holistic regime. I would suggest the tea forms to start with if your doctor agrees. Omega 3 fatty acids also help reduce symptoms.

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As far as not wanting to get married and “spoiling the life of your future children”, according to the NIH, studies regarding BPD are still in the early stages, but a link between BPD, genetics and environment does exist. However, this does not mean your future children would get it. All it means is that there may be a predisposition. In fact, providing a child with a warm, loving, stable environment may help in reducing the chances that a predisposition will emerge.

NIH states that “Social or cultural factors may increase the risk for BPD. For example, being part of a community or culture in which unstable family relationships are common may increase a person’s risk for the disorder”. Additionally, BPD.com also examines BPD, genetics as well as environment. They have suggested that it may be often hard to separate the genetic predisposition from the environmental factors. That say, “however, while this suggests that BPD runs in families, studies of these type do not tell us exactly how much of BPD is due to genetics. First-degree relatives often also share environments, for example, siblings may be raised together by the same parents. So, these studies may be reflecting, in part, environmental causes of BPD”.

Thus, dear sister, before you rule out marriage and family, please know that we all carry genetic predispositions to a lot of different things, but that doesn’t always mean we will pass it on. I would advise you to consult with a genetic counselor if you are still concerned about this as marriage and family can bring much joy. However, your main goal now dear sister is to get healthy and remain close to Allah (swt).

Regarding your friend, alhumdulillah you have repented. In sha’ Allah, over time you will stop thinking about him as much, but it will take effort. I realize it is hard to study, but I suggest you concentrate on your studies. Perhaps you want to get a sister to study with you in order to keep focused. I also suggest that you join sister groups at your college or mosque. Do some charity work to keep your mind off of negative things. Helping others always brings joy.

As far as falling into fitnah as you attend a co-ed college, please do keep your gaze lowered and keep your prayers and make du’aa’ to Allah (swt) to help you remain strong. While I am not an Islamic Scholar and cannot offer specific Islamic remedies, I can offer what AboutIslam recommends: “Bear in mind the fact that Allah is watching you, He sees you and is with you (by His knowledge) wherever you go. It may be a secretive glance of which your closest neighbor is unaware, but Allah knows of it,

Allah knows the fraud of the eyes, and all that the hearts conceal.” (40:19)

Also, “Seek the help of Allah (swt) by beseeching Him and calling upon Him. Almighty Allah says,

And your Lord said: Invoke Me [i.e. believe in My Oneness (Islamic Monotheism) and ask Me for anything] I will respond to your (invocation).” (40: 60)”

Dear sister, I encourage you to keep calling upon Allah (swt) to strengthen your resolve and keep you on the right path. I have confidence in you sister that in sha’ Allah. Get the mental health treatment you need, engage in the Islamic community, focus on your studies and remain close to Allah (swt) through pray and supplication. You will find your life path increasing with blessings, and your hurt and pain slowly dissolving in sha’ Allah.

We wish you the best, dear sister. Please let us know how you are doing.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha has a PhD in psychology, an MS in public health and a PsyD. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years at Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. She has worked with clients with mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, panic disorder, trauma, and OCD. She also facilitated support groups and provided specialized services for victims of domestic violence, HIV positive individuals, as well youth/teen issues. Aisha is certified in Mindfulness, Trauma Informed Care, Behavioral Management, Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and Confidentiality & Security. Aisha is also a Certified Life Coach, and Relationship Workshop facilitator. Aisha has a part-time Life Coaching practice in which she integrates the educational concepts of stress reduction, mindfulness, introspection, empowerment, self love and acceptance and spirituality to create a holistic healing journey for clients. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocates for prisoner rights/reentry, social & food justice, as well as advocating for an end to oppression & racism. In her spare time, Aisha enjoys her family, photography, nature, martial arts classes, Islamic studies, volunteering/charity work, as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.