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What’s Father Hunger?

27 November, 2016
Q As-salamu `Alaykom, I have a problem which is father hunger. You must know the details of father hunger about needing attention, love, hugs, feeling safe and all these things. Now, my question is how do I solve this problem? Please in detailed steps. Thank you.

Answer

Answer:

As-Salamu `Alaikum dear brother,

It is difficult to answer your question since you have not provided any background information. However, the best I can do is providing a general response.

Father hunger is the result of receiving too little quality fathering as a child or young adult. Some argue that even grown men and women need father surrogates, and that the absence of such role modeling and support is associated with less-fulfillment in life. In general, father hunger results from too little intimacy between child and father. I am not sure whether your father is deceased, or your parents are divorced, or you simply don’t have a healthy relationship with your existing father. In any case, it is important to begin at the root of the issue.

The first and foremost thing that needs to be done is your acknowledgement of reality. If your father is deceased, you need to come to the reality of this and accept it. This may take several months of grieving, but it is an important piece to the puzzle. If your father is alive and is simply not in your life as much as you want him to be, you may want to think about why this is the case. Are your parents divorced? Do you have a troubling relationship with him? Whatever your situation might be, it’s important to accept the reality and to make a decision to move on in life. If you and your father have a difficult relationship, remedial counseling can help improve your relations. You can perhaps do this with a local counseling center or even a local Imam.

Now that you have acknowledged and accepted the truth and decided to move on with life, you need to learn coping skills to help you stay strong during those rough patches. You need to have coping skills that you can fall back on when you are sad and gloomy. These coping skills can be anything that bring you comfort, such as listening to the Quran, watching a movie, reading a book, going for a walk, praying, meditating, etc. You need to find coping skills that work for you.

Both mothers and fathers have a very crucial and distinct role to play in our lives. One cannot make-up for the other. When one is living a life without either one of these parents, it can be emotionally detrimental. Research suggests that children who grow up without fathers have more emotional and behavioral trouble.

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One way to help with father hunger is finding another person, an uncle in the family or an older cousin or brother, who could perhaps play that role of a father in your life and be that guiding and strengthening force. There isn’t any specific “cure” for father hunger.

Lastly, I would strongly recommend face to face counseling. This will help you express your anxieties and other feelings in a non-judgmental environment.

Salam,

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About Hwaa Irfan
Late Hwaa Irfan, may her soul rest in peace, served as consultant, counselor and freelance writer. Her main focus was on traditional healing mechanisms as practiced in various communities, as opposed to Western healing mechanisms.