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How to Interact with My Uncommunicative Dad?

03 May, 2017
Q As-Salamu `Alaykum dear Counselor. I would like to thank you for the very detailed and useful advice you gave to me previously because it really enhanced my relationship with my mother. We live in peace and harmony together now alhamdulillah. However, I still have many issues regarding the issue of the family; the place haven from the outside world and where the smallest of sadaqah (optional charity), even a smile, trust, honesty, and kindness is rewarded by Allah Most High. I am not saying that my family is deficient in all of this; all I am saying is that I see things I feel are not right. Since I am the first-born, I automatically feel a responsibility to try to correct them or have a part to play in correcting things, so I need your advice again. When I came of age, I noticed that the most important ingredient in a marriage, communication, is missing between my parents. I say this because my mum only gets to hear about some things my dad wants to do in the house from outsiders or us instead of him. I didn’t feel well about this, but I forgot about it until recently, when my mum confided in me that she is having great trouble with my father. He is a very principled person. He doesn’t cheat others but doesn’t bat an eyelid when cheated. He is so generous even if it means his own discomfort. For example, he has accommodated friends of his for a month in our home where his wife and daughters live. Some of these people even stayed for as long as a year. On one occasion, my father went for `Umrah and his friend remained alone with us, and my mum could not say a word. As if that is not bad enough, they don’t even appreciate the work that my mother and I do. They go back to the village and complain about the kind of food we feed them which is the same as we eat in the house. They even go to the extent of insulting my mum in front of my father, and he does not defend her which is very bad of him. I don’t know if he fears them accusing him of loving his wife or why he tolerates all of this from them, but when my mum complains he turns a deaf ear. I want you to give very detailed advice for my mom on how to handle such situations because she told me that she doesn’t like to face such discussions. Apart from that, my dad is the silent type of person and we find it difficult to interact with him. He hardly ever smiles or cracks a joke with us as other parents do with their children (e.g. my cousins). I know the father of the house is meant to be serious minded about providing for the family, but he hardly has any leisure time. He comes home from the office and sits in front of the TV or reads a newspaper, and he doesn’t have time to interact with us grown kids. I know it can be very difficult to be the head of the house, but at least he should try to loosen up a little with his wife and kids, replenish and refresh the soul. I am sure he doesn’t see anything wrong with being too serious; therefore I want advice on how to help him, because we find it difficult to approach him. I hardly talk to my dad unless I need something. I am sorry for the very bulky question and your advice is most needed. Thank you for your valuable time. Jazaka Allahu khayran.

Answer

Answer:

As-Salamu `Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi my dear sister,

Thank-you for sharing with us your achievements, and may Allah (swt) strengthen you and continue to guide you in making the right choices, in sha’ Allah.

One might be tempted to say that it is time for some “female activism”! Don’t panic, it is not meant in a western context, but in the context of Islam whereby Prophet Muhammad (saw) said in his last sermon:

“O people! It is true that you have certain rights with regards to your women, but they also have rights over you. Remember that you have taken them as your wives only under Allah’s trust and with His permission. If they abide by your right then to them belongs the right to be fed and clothed in kindness. Do treat your women well and be kind to them for they are partners and committed helpers. And it is your right that they do not make friends with anyone of whom you do not approve, as well as never to be unchaste.”

However, when one reads further into the situation that you have presented to us, one can see quite easily that it is your father who needs help. Your mother probably understands more than she has said to you, but has just felt a need to unburden the frustrations of life with your father. Your father sounds like someone who is essentially “burnt out” emotionally and psychologically. If you can imagine what a teddy bear with all the stuffing taken out looks like, then this might be a fair description of why he is so giving to friends and so unable to defend the honor of his own family.

This doesn’t make sense does it? Your father works so hard and comes home every day so physically and psychologically exhausted that he in unable to interact with anyone at home. The home that you rightly dream of as being a haven from the outside world is your father’s refuge where he does not have to be anything other than what he actually is at that moment. However, for his friends he goes into a kind of “automatic drive”; it might seem to you that he is full of compassion and care for them, but it is not so.

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Don’t you sometimes put on a show or make an extra effort for others, visitors or friends? It might be the same for him, and in a strange kind of way, it is the only time he can defend the reputation of his home from the outside world. But while you and your mother want emotionally, psychologically and physically from him as a father and a husband, he just does not seem to have that part to give, even to himself, let alone those who need and deserve it the most – his family.

However, something does need to be done, and quite soon, as it is unacceptable that strange men stay in a house with women. Even though there may be no bad intentions beyond idle gossip, in Islam, guests are not supposed to outstay their welcome. Not only this, we do not want to tempt Satan by providing a moment of weakness when the girls’ honor or the wife’s honor could be compromised. You say, “I don’t know if he fears them accusing him of loving his wife, or why he tolerates all of this from them”, this indicates that you know he loves you all, even though he seems unable to express it.

As you have selected yourself for this mission, it will be more than beneficial if you could start by being there for him when he comes home. Talking is not always necessary to soften the heart, but being observant is. Do not see this as your permanent role, but as an example from the family to him. Do it with grace and a smile and from the heart. Let him unwind while you provide him with refreshments that he appreciates; a neat room to relax in, incense, a candle, playing the Qur’an on cassette if possible. If there is any conversation, it should not be about your needs. Remember, he has just come home tired and uncommunicative, therefore try to establish what kind of day he has had.

“The smallest of sadaqah (optional charity), even a smile, trust, honesty and kindness is rewarded by Allah Most High” but first, try to show these to your father. Whatever has happened in his life has helped to make him what he has become, so try to establish what kind of day he has had. Maybe, just maybe, his emotions will move from being tepid, to lukewarm, to warm over a period of time. Let it be known in the kindest manner, maybe in the form of simple questions to him what it means to protect and honor the women of the house as mentioned in the Quran:

“The believing men and believing women are allies of one another. They enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong and establish prayer and give zakah and obey Allah and His Messenger. Those – Allah will have mercy upon them. Indeed, Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise.” (9:71)

“O you who have believed, it is not lawful for you to inherit women by compulsion. And do not make difficulties for them in order to take [back] part of what you gave them unless they commit a clear immorality. And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them – perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good.” (4:19) 

In this way, your father can think seriously about what is happening within his family, why he is so tired, what honoring one’s family means and what consorting with one’s wife means.

All in all, through the process of learning to give and take from each other as a family, one will be opening up the pathway to change for the real needs of each family member and a home that one day soon in sha’ Allah will be a haven from the outside world for all the family. As you learn about yourselves and about each other, just note that we all have our burdens and that sometimes we would like someone close to notice enough to care.

I pray that you find the answer helpful in some way, but if you are seeking further guidance, please do not hesitate to contact us again.

Salam,

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About Hwaa Irfan
Late Hwaa Irfan, may her soul rest in peace, served as consultant, counselor and freelance writer. Her main focus was on traditional healing mechanisms as practiced in various communities, as opposed to Western healing mechanisms.