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How to Leave Stress Behind

13 December, 2020
Q Salam.

I am hurt by a brother (whom I know) who made a promise to me, but he broke it thinking it was beneficial for me. He has not spoken to me for some months.

I am aware that there are two groups of scholars who has different opinions on fulfilling an agreement. The majority of jurist say that it is recommended while the other group of scholars says it is obligatory.

However, when he broke the agreement, I began to get sick. It's been for months. Each month, I have at least one sickness, but now I have suffered from an illness (a cold) for about the past three months.

The brother is aware of my situation (not about the three months part), but the only thing he is doing is reading my messages (I haven't contacted him for a while). However, even though he hasn't communicated with me for months, there was a month where he spoke to me for three days.

During those three days, he was very rude and cruel to me. He was trying to solve our problem within those three days by acting like a young kid. After that, I received injuries, and the next following month I began to suffer from the cold that is still present today.

The hurt of the action that he did towards me has affected my heart. It comes and goes. The hurt effects the part of my body near my chest. I have aches, headaches, and constipation.

When I speak to others (mainly to my family), I tend to talk bad to them while I have no feeling of any remorse. This body part hurts me and my body is very worn out and tired. Every day, I suffer from these symptoms. I have a personal counselor, Alhamdulillah. However, she is not very effective, does not often use Islamic Psychology, nor does it seem that she would like me to keep discussing with this brother. In fact, I have not spoken to her regarding him for the past four months and other updates in relation to me.

I am reaching out to your counseling section because I would like a counselor to give me tips/strategies on how should I overcome this situation from the Islamic point of view. Thank you.

Answer


In this counseling answer:

Please know, sister, that despite this disappointment, you are loved. Your family and friends love you. Your sisters in Islam love and care for you. And most importantly, Allah (swt) loves you.”


As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,

Thank you for writing to us. I am sorry to hear about the brother who broke his promise to you. I am not sure what this promise or agreement was as you did not say. What you have said is that he no longer communicates with you, and when he does he is rude and cruel to you. This seems to cause you great stress.

From that standpoint alone, sister, whatever promise he broke may be a mercy from Allah (swt). You do not want to deal with one who is rude and cruel, do you? Often times, we may think a thing is good for us when, in fact, it is not. Allah (swt) knows best. 

I do not know if this promise was in regards to a job, marriage, or else. But whatever it was may not have been decreed by Allah (swt) in order to save you from further pain – or worse.

Sister, Allah (swt) often sends us certain signs whether something is good or bad for us. We just need to pay attention and take heed. Often times, we may see the signs but because of our own desires, we ignore them. Instead, we continually try to pry open the shut door until we either “wake up” or get hurt. 

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You’re Stressed Out

In your case, it seems that trying to get this man to keep his promise causes you great harm. You seem stressed out, anxious, constantly preoccupied with this situation and possibly depressed. 

Your symptoms of things affecting your heart, causing chest pain, bodily aches, headaches, constipation, fatigue, injuries, illnesses all point to a stressed out system encompassing your body, mind, and spirit. This state of stress leads to anxiety, depression, and a lowered immune response causing a higher risk of getting flu and colds.

How to Leave Stress Behind - About Islam

This is not what he has done to you sister; this is what you are doing to yourself. You have chosen stress as your response to his breaking the promise. 

Please sister, evaluate the following and make a daily journal of your activities. How often do you eat healthy, nutritious foods? And how often do you drink water? How often do you exercise? Do you do things to reduce your stress such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, drinking tea, walking, and so forth?

 How often do you do enjoyable things with friends or family? More importantly, are you nourishing your relationship with Allah (swt) by keeping your prayers? Are you going to Him in prayer when you are troubled? Do you do dzhkir? Do you read Qur’an on a daily basis seeking His comfort and guidance?  

Sister, all these things help create a more healthy mind-body-spiritual connection. Allah (swt) created us and He commands that we take care of each aspect of our being. 


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Let It Go

This man has not caused the illnesses and negative feelings to happen; you chose to not heal from the hurt and disappointment, thus, leading to the state you are currently in. 

I am not trying to sound harsh, sister. But I know that in sha’Allah you are a pious, beautiful, and intelligent sister who is stronger than this. You have the ability through Allah (swt) (and a good therapist) to change your life around. 

How to Leave Stress Behind - About Islam

This man and this broken promise are in the past, and probably for a good reason. Let it go. You cannot force someone to do something nor should you want to. He is rude, cruel and has cut off communication. Let him go – and live.

You stated that you visit a counselor. You did not mention your diagnoses or for how long you have been seeing her. These would have been important factors to know. But at least you stated that she was not effective. If you really feel this way, please find another counselor who may take a different approach to treatment. 

Additionally, in sha’Allah, please make extra efforts to put this situation behind you. Whatever it was, is gone. Trust in Allah (swt) that it is for the best. 

I am not an Islamic Scholar, therefore, I cannot give a full answer to you regarding breaking promises. If you desire a more Islamically-based response concerning agreements/promises, please write our “Ask the Scholar” section with a more detailed question. Please outline the specific promise/agreement so they can know the specifics of the situation. 

Right now I am concerned with your physical and mental health. Please know, sister, that despite this disappointment, you are loved. Your family and friends love you. Your sisters in Islam love and care for you. And most importantly, Allah (swt) loves you.

You are in our prayers. Please let us know how you are doing.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damage that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha has a PhD in psychology, an MS in public health and a PsyD. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years at Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. She has worked with clients with mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, panic disorder, trauma, and OCD. She also facilitated support groups and provided specialized services for victims of domestic violence, HIV positive individuals, as well youth/teen issues. Aisha is certified in Mindfulness, Trauma Informed Care, Behavioral Management, Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and Confidentiality & Security. Aisha is also a Certified Life Coach, and Relationship Workshop facilitator. Aisha has a part-time Life Coaching practice in which she integrates the educational concepts of stress reduction, mindfulness, introspection, empowerment, self love and acceptance and spirituality to create a holistic healing journey for clients. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocates for prisoner rights/reentry, social & food justice, as well as advocating for an end to oppression & racism. In her spare time, Aisha enjoys her family, photography, nature, martial arts classes, Islamic studies, volunteering/charity work, as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.