In this counseling answer:
• You should have just let it go and accepted her answer.
• I would also encourage you to attend the Masjid as often as you can for prayers.
• Make istikharah prayer regarding the woman your parents have suggested.
• Begin to write down a list of emotions describing how you are feeling right now. The point of making the list and or starting a journal is to sort out how you’re really feeling brother so you can gather your thoughts, gain some clarity and begin to focus on your future.
As Salaam Alaykum brother,
Thank you for writing to us with your most important concerns. As I understand, some time ago you were having treatment for your knee pain. This treatment lasted for about 7 days. During this time, you developed a crush on the girl who was treating you. This feeling may have been new to you as it frightened you and you stopped going because you didn’t want anything to happen.
During the time that you didn’t go, you said you tried to get your parents to speak to her on your behalf but they refused. You indicated that you also felt extreme pain and depression and that something was driving you towards this girl. You couldn’t work, sleep, eat, nor could you stay inside the home at night and you went outside roaming around.
Crushes and Lingering Feelings
Brother, this initially sounds like a typical crush that young men and women often get. When someone you meet appeals to you a crush may develop even though you don’t know that person very well.
Often times you will feel depressed and restless and you don’t want to eat and it’s hard to sleep. Usually, however, these symptoms are fleeting.
In this case, you did get up the courage to go to her and talk to her about how you were feeling. That was a really wise move on your part because you did express yourself with the intention of getting answers. The answers should have brought you to a conclusion with this girl and resolved your feelings.
You did ask her the right questions pertaining to marriage and you did get responses to your inquiries. However, the responses were not what you wanted to hear. She was not interested in pursuing a relationship/ marriage with you.
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Let It Go
At that point, brother, you should have just let it go and accepted her answer. I can imagine though, that you were very hurt to hear her responses. It is not easy to be turned down by someone that you have feelings for. Most of the time when this happens, people feel sad for a while but do manage to “pick up the pieces” and move on with their lives.
Perhaps, you were trying to do this as you moved out of town. While you did not state if it was for a new job or for school, the fact remains is that you did leave and try to start a new life.
I am not sure what the confusion, anger and arguments were about as your parents should have been reassuring. None the less, it brought you to a point where you let them take over. You ask them to do whatever they want since they were pointing out they can get you married which will resolve your issues.
Marriage, Choices and Emotions
Your parents did find someone for you to marry and it was a quick process which happened in a day or two. Again you were confused, angry and upset because it happened so fast and you weren’t expecting it.
Brother, I am wondering, did you get a chance to meet this girl? Were you able to speak with her in a halal way and get to know if you were compatible? Did you see something in her that you liked? These things are important when contemplating a marriage.
I am also wondering if you just “blew her off” and did not give her a chance because you are “overcome” with emotion for this other girl.
Often in life, brother, Allah will shut a door that will bring us haram and open a door which will bring us happiness. If you have not already done so, dear brother, I kindly suggest that you make istakhara prayer regarding this marriage. It could be a divine blessing for you.
You May Suffer from Anxiety Disorder
Due to the upcoming marriage plans, you stated you were in such a state that you visited a psychiatrist looking for help.
Brother, I am not sure if the psychiatrist performed a full assessment on your mental health, if you were prescribed a treatment therapy or if it was just a quick visit with no follow up. Whatever the case, it seems that you may be suffering from some mental health issues which may cause some exaggerations in the way you perceive and react to things. This can be seen in your expressed emotions, how you interpret people’s communications and behaviors as well as the belief that the phone call was from this girl. Your inability to handle normal day to day stress concerning personal interactions and activities is a sign that you may have some type of anxiety disorder.
While I cannot diagnose you, it does appear that you are functioning on an overload of emotions.
Dealing with Stressful Situations
Life is stressful, dear brother. Most people are functioning in high stress. Some people are able to function in this way. In your case, you are unable to fully do that. At this point, I will kindly suggest insha’Allah that you sit down and take a few deep breaths and relax your mind.
I suggest insha’Allah, that you begin to write down a list of emotions describing how you are feeling right now. Do you feel happy, sad, do you feel in control of your life? Do you feel joy, do you feel fear paranoia, are you afraid that you make the wrong choices sometimes? Do you feel capable? These questions are just the tip of an iceberg to explore.
It seems as if there are deeper rooted issues going on that maybe only you know about. The point of making the list and or starting a journal is to sort out how you’re really feeling brother so you can gather your thoughts, gain some clarity and begin to focus on your future.
Responsibility for Our Lives
At this point, it appears that you have accepted the engagement to your relative’s daughter. You stated that you accepted only because of emotion. However, as you are a grown man you are responsible for your emotions and for what you do and say, even if you are angry and confused.
Brother, I would kindly suggest meeting with this girl to see if you do like her. It may be quite possible that she’s very nice and that you are attracted to her. If this is the case, I would pursue the marriage with an open mind and an open heart.
If this is not the case and you feel that you cannot do this girl justice as a husband, please do cancel the marriage. As you are an adult this is your choice. While this may cause some issues with the families involved, insha’Allah it is best to end this now rather than enter a marriage that you do not want to be in. That is not fair to the girl nor you. It is your position as a man, however, to take full responsibility for your hasty actions of accepting the marriage proposal.
It will be difficult but you may want to discuss with the family that you were going through a very stressful time and you were not thinking rationally.
You may also want to inform them that you are not ready for marriage until you get through the issues that you are facing, and that you need to cancel the marriage. This may seem too personal and vulnerable to explain, however, in this case, the truth should be told regarding the marriage as the girl and her family are at no fault. Please, do apologize, as this girl does not deserve to be hurt nor embarrassed.
Examining Root Issues
You stated in your question that you’ve been thinking about your whole life and that you have never felt anything that attracted and attached to you as this girl who gave you knee treatment. Brother, this might be the start of a realization within yourself.
This brings me to wonder what your relationship was like with your parents and your siblings growing up. Were you close with them, did you feel attached to them? Did you feel like you were an important member of the family? Did you feel loved? Did you have close friends growing up?
In retrospect, looking at your situation and your emotions for this girl, could it be that it represents a moment in time wherein someone showed you a special type of kindness that you’ve never had before? This may insha’Allah explain your attachment to her even though you don’t know her. It may not be her that you are craving and missing but it may be that kindness and respect that she showed you.
Reach Out for Counseling
Brother, there are so many different variables going on. Your emotions and direction in life needs to be sorted out. Insha’Allah, as you take the steps to resolve this marriage issue,
I would kindly suggest that you do reach out for counseling again. This time with the intent of getting to the bottom of your issues.
If you get counseling, insha’Allah a good therapist can help you move through and sort out your emotions and any mental health issues that you may be suffering from. There is no need to feel ashamed or embarrassed if you do have anxiety or depression or any other mental health issue.
As human beings, we all have mental health issues at some point in our lives. Some issues can be severe and some issues can be minor. However, we’re all human and we are prone to these things. It is the same as if it were high blood pressure or diabetes, high cholesterol, etc. It needs to be treated so we can live a full and healthy, happy life.
Socialize with Good Muslim Brothers
In addition to counseling, I would also encourage you to attend the Masjid as often as you can for prayers. Develop a social circle with the brothers so you can have sometimes of enjoyment. Draw closer to Allah by reading the Qur’an, making duaa, and doing dhzikr. These are all spiritual blessings that we have before us which can help us heal from times of hardship.
By depending on and trusting in Allah for your needs, your hopes, your dreams, your fears, all that life entails, you will surely be blessed with a peace of mind as well as knowing that you are seeking to please your Lord.
Brother, please do resolve the issue of this marriage one way or another. Make an appointment with a reputable counselor, and draw closer to Allah and within the folds of Islam. It is there that your healing journey will begin insha’Allah, and you will gain insight and direction in your life. I am confident in you and know that insha’Allah, you will succeed.
You are in our prayers.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.