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Hating the Person I Used to Love

15 September, 2017
Q Assalamu alaykum! This is quite a long story, but I will try to sum it up without missing the important parts. There's a boy who I know since I was a kid, because we went to Quran lessons together in the mosque. His father was the teacher, an Imam, and a well-known and respected man in our town. Later, when I started high school, I was put in the same class as his son. Of course, all girls were crazy about him, and so was I. All parents wanted a son like him; all girls wanted a boyfriend like him as he seemed perfect. I prayed to Allah every single day for three years that He somehow brings the two of us together in marriage, though I thought my aim was too high. Later on, it turned out that I really did. After I summoned the courage to actually do something, my best friend told him that I liked him. He was acting like he was crazy about me for months, but was too shy to tell me anything, and I was certainly too shy as well. When it was the least expected, he found a girlfriend. It seems all of a sudden he wasn't that shy anymore. She was smart, beautiful, and religious. Later on, I found out that they were together just because he wanted to make me jealous. It ripped my heart apart, because I knew they were perfect for each other, and I was just left there hanging in the air to watch them every day. They are still together, for a year and half now, loving each other in the name of Allah and keeping their relationship halal. She started wearing hijab the same day I did. They are both successful in college, have a lot of good friends and everything is going perfect for them, while I'm having a horribly hard time being away from everyone I love, in another country, where I have no friends, have trouble with the language, failing my exams in college no matter how hard I try, putting myself and my whole family in a difficult financial situation. I'm stuck looking back at the past, and wondering why Allah has never answered my prayer. I guess it is because that boy is a great person who deserves a lot better than me. Why would Allah punish him by bringing him together with me? Allah gave him what was best for him, instead of giving me what's best for me, because we couldn't both have what we want. I did aim too high. I don't deserve him, and I should have known it years ago. The problem is that the same person I used to love so much has caused so much hate inside of me. He is one of a very few people who I hate. He made me miserable and broken for years, made me unable to go on with my life, made me afraid of any commitment. And worst of all, it seems like he and his girlfriend "stole" everything that I wanted to be mine, like their happiness is built on the ruins of mine, like they are living the life I wanted for myself, the life I easily could have had. Sometimes, I think Allah put them both in my life just to tempt and test me and bring me pain. Even though I know I will never meet a person like him, I don't want him for myself anymore, I'm done with that. Now, I just hate him and everything good that happens to him. I don't even hate his girlfriend like most girls would. I admire her. But him I can't stand, I wish I have never even known him. And I want to stop hating, to clean my heart from that darkness, I want to be able to let go, to stop comparing my life to his, to allow myself to be happy and see the bright side of my life, if it exists. I want to be able to honestly say "Allah, give him whatever is best for him, no matter how much it hurts me". I don't know how to do that, and I need your help. Thank you in advance, if nothing, for reading this awfully long message.

Answer

Answer:

Dear S,

Allah (swt) always answers our questions but not always in the way we would like Him (swt) to answer our questions. He (swt) responds; however, it might not be always the response we are expecting. Often, when we are experiencing disappointments or trials, the way we can overcome these disappointments and be more resilient is often rooted in our perception of the situation.

This particular young man whom you described and his girlfriend are human beings who have character flaws, good qualities, insecurities, and they make mistakes as anyone else in life. There is not a single human being on this earth who is infallible or without a flaw. The goal for an individual is to constantly work on him/herself, his/her own individual spiritual growth, and also to have a tremendously positive impact on one’s relationships with people who come into one’s life.

It seems that the focus of your disappointment is the overall sense of loss and rejection; you feel that the guy you like does not feel the same way about you.  This is a natural feeling and every individual at some point in their life has experienced some form of rejection, whether it is a relationship they wanted to work out, an opportunity, a job, an unrequited love, etc. On the other side of rejection is an opportunity for growth, hope, and faith that Allah (swt) has not granted us this opportunity because he has something reserved for us that is even better. No matter how sooner or later it comes, one must always keep faith that the reason behind certain disappointments and things not working out is rooted in the belief that Allah (swt) has our best interest in mind, and He (swt) may be protecting us from something much worse.

Your recent disappointment seems to trigger feelings of jealousy within you which seem to be directed towards the couple and their overall happiness as you feel they possess something that you currently do not have, but also feel entitled to having in your life. Hassad, jealousy and envy are considered a disease of the heart. It is considered to be feelings often associated with Satan as his goal is to bring as many people as he can from humanity into disbelief to join him in hell. The overall source of jealousy starts with a general sense of arrogance and entitlement; the feeling that one has been wronged by another or that one has taken away what was rightfully another person’s.

The first step towards creating happiness for yourself is to work towards spiritual purification and to embody the characteristics you would like to attract. For example, if you would like to attract a good husband with a specific set of qualities, look inward and assess whether you currently possess any of those qualities.

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Focus on yourself. Going through a period of spiritual purification whether that is through dhikr (remembrance of Allah), reading Quran, taking classes, or receiving counseling, take time out for yourself to heal from that sense of loss and disappointment.

After healing, begin positively re-framing your perception of situations and others. Instead of viewing it as a form of punishment from Allah (swt), think about that Allah (swt) doesn’t grant you your wish because He (swt) has something much better in store for you.

You also highlighted that you felt he was much better than you somehow spiritually, and this was the reason he did not select you as a partner or girlfriend. We cannot see into the hearts of others. Although, it is good to think of ourselves in a very humble way, it is also important to steer away from putting human beings on pedestals of perfection. The only perfect human being was the Prophet (saw), and still he experienced very human situations such as the death of a child, spouse, divorce, etc. If the most perfect human being experienced these trials, it means that all of us will definitely not leave the earth without experiencing some form of disappointment or test.

I would encourage you to focus on positive re-framing and also to have cognitive behavioral therapy with a counselor. This therapy will help you with the symptoms such as the negative intrusive thoughts you have about this young man and about yourself. It will also help you develop strategies for positively re-framing your perception of certain situations when you are triggered.

Kindly, go to the ‘Ask about Islam’ section of our website for specific du’aa’s that can help you deal with feelings of envy, hatred, and jealousy. There are some very powerful du’aa’s that would be helpful for you combined with psychotherapy. This will also help with your symptoms of depression associated with your feelings of rejection regarding this relationship.

Salam,

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

About Sakeena Abdulraheem
Sakeena Abdulraheemholds an MA in Social studies with a concentration in Islamic studies from the Graduate School of Islamic and Social Sciences. She is currently completing her M.A.in counseling psychology with a concentration in trauma counseling. She has extensive experience working as a teacher, mentor, and consultant.