She Talks to Other Boys; Shall I Marry Her? | About Islam
Home > Youth Q & A > She Talks to Other Boys; Shall I Marry Her?

She Talks to Other Boys; Shall I Marry Her?

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Feb 13, 2018

Question

Dear Madam. Assalamu Alaikum. I am in love with a girl since 2014. Actually, she first proposed me and I said Ok to her because of her good character. She happens to be my cousin. She is a less practicing woman, but she promised me she will change. We were chatting on mobile since then. I am a graduate and jobless. After getting a job and being settled, I wanted to ask her parents to marry her off to me. In the meanwhile, some problems occurred between our families (not because of our love) and I and he had a communication gap, but after few months we again started chatting and this continued until 2016. Finally, in 2017, I got the job and was a bit busy with my job and there was not much communication with her. After 6 months, I again started to chat with her but the girl's behavior seemed peculiar. She said, “I am not a suitable girl for you, you will find a good girl than me.” But I really love her and want her to get married to me. A few months later, somehow, I came to know that this girl was chatting with another boy just as a friend. This matter got disclosed at her home and rumors spread as usual. Their family members severely warned her and this girl went into regret and such guilty feeling. This was the reason she began to say to me that ‘” I am not a good girl for you, "you will find the good girl for you". Now my question is, I am convinced that girl did wrong by chatting with that boy. Even the girl accepted her wrongdoing and told nothing happened and they were chatting with friends. I asked her to ask repentance from Allah. Now, should I talk to her parents asking for her hand in marriage? Or better leave her and marry another girl? I am a bit confused. I am also planning to do Istikhara. Please help. Jazakallah.

Counselor

Answer


She Talks to Other Boys; Shall I Marry Her?

In this counseling answer:

“You are absolutely correct that the best thing to do right now is to make istikhara. This will ensure that Allah will guide you to make the best decision – a decision that He will be pleased with and you will be content with too.”


Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,

Selecting a spouse is certainly an important decision. It is perfectly normal to feel so anxious about whether to go ahead with this or not. You have been in touch for some time now on and off and feel you are now in a position to marry her. Unfortunately, however, it seems that in this waiting time she has been chatting with someone else, but she has apologized and still wishes to go ahead with the proposal, but you are confused due to her behavior.

You are absolutely correct that the best thing to do right now is to make istikhara. This will ensure that Allah will guide you to make the best decision – a decision that He will be pleased with and you will be content with too.

During this period of making istikhara, it is recommended that you maintain your acts of worship and keep close to Allah. Also, make sure to seek refuge from Shaytan so that you don’t become misguided by any signs that you feel might come your way as a result of the istikhara.

Keep in mind that the contact you have had with this woman up until now will have inevitably caused you to develop some kind of emotions for her. Therefore, it’s important to be aware of how these feelings may affect the way you interpret the outcome. It is, therefore, also recommended that during this time you cease contact with her so that you are not influenced by such feelings.

Also, make sure to seek repentance on your part also if it is that you were in contact with this woman in a haram way, without her mahram present.

During this time, there are also some things that you can consider. Take some time to weigh up the pros and cons of marrying her, or marrying someone else. Think about the potential consequences of all these different options.

On the one hand, this woman has shown a clear commitment to you and been honest and is prepared to change for the better. However, at the same time, she has betrayed you to some extent. But, given that you were not married, she has never committed to you anyway so had every right to look elsewhere for a spouse. It looks like she sought a relationship in a haram way again, which could be a reflection of bad character.

The other options involve stepping away from this and finding someone else. This way, you can start afresh with someone new and make sure to find someone with good character. But this also involves almost going back to the start and getting to know someone else which takes time. If you are keen to get married quickly, then this might now be an option.

Most importantly, which of these options will be most pleasing to Allah?

These are all important things to take into consideration before making a decision. It is important to take time with this. You could even write these things down and continue to come back to them time and time again. It might be that you think of other things to add over time.

You are not yet committed to this woman, so there is also no harm in arranging a meeting with other ladies also to see who else is available to you. It might be that you find someone who is more suited to you.

All this while, continue with istikhara and Allah will guide your decisions along the way. Eventually, you will be in a strong position to make a good decision.

May Allah guide you and grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

Amen,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:




About Hannah Morris

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)

find out more!