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I Feel Dumb & Even My Fiancé Criticizes Me

Questioner

S

Reply Date

Sep 21, 2018

Question

I feel really dumb and stupid. Generally, it takes me some time to do/ learn anything. When people say something, I don't get it immediately. It takes five or ten minutes to understand what they are saying. People call me a dumb, so I usually don't talk to people. I don't know why I am like this. I can’t handle any situation and I get tensed very easily. I am a very quiet person and I don't talk much. I got engaged recently and even my fiancé would make fun of me saying that I am brainless. I fear that he will make fun of me even after getting married. I don't want to be like this. I want to be smart like everyone else. Can you please tell me how to sharpen my mind?

Counselor

Answer


I Feel Dumb & Even My Fiancé Criticizes Me

In this counseling answer:

Think of all the skills and talents that Allah has bestowed you with, and how you can use them to make a true difference in sha’ Allah. Do not worry about what others say; forgive them and remember what matters is at the end is Allah’s opinion of you.


Wa ‘Alaikum As-Salam my dear sister,

Thank you for your question. First, I’d like to mention that regardless of what others tell you, you are a great creation of God. Allah tells us this in the Quran: “We have indeed created humankind in the best of forms.” (Quran 95:4) So, have faith in yourself based on your faith in God and what He tells us about how He created us. Yes, some of us are born with illnesses or what society may label as a ‘disability’, but did any of us think that God actually created us ‘perfectly’ in many ways, not just physically or mentally? Those ways include our spirit, our willpower, our talents, our emotions, our ability to love, to forgive, to long for Allah.
Many of us have self-defeating and disempowering beliefs, not knowing that this can actually be contrary to how Allah wants us to view ourselves. If we keep putting ourselves down and holding ourselves back, how can we give our best to the world? If we keep beating ourselves up that we don’t fit a certain standard set by society for ‘intelligence’, how will we ever be content with how Allah created us? We have to believe Allah, as the Master Creator, does not make errors when He creates, and that He, in His Infinite Wisdom, created us in the way that is perfect for us and our situation and our time. And once again, this is reaffirmed for us when the verse continues by saying:

Indeed, We have created the human being upon the best of forms. Then we reduced him to the lowest of the low, except those who believe and do good, for they shall have an unending reward. So who henceforth will give the lie to you about the judgment? Is not Allah the Best of Judges?” (95: 4-8)

Therefore, we are assured that Allah is the Best of Judges and is the Justest, Most Merciful, and never wrongs anyone, oppresses anyone, or places a burden on oneself more than it can handle. Moreover, Allah assures us in this verse that those who do good are those who will have an unending reward. So, in the end, it is really about our actions and our deeds as opposed to our appearance. This concept is also illustrated to us through a hadith

“Verily, Allah does not look at your appearance or wealth, but rather He looks at your hearts and actions.” (Muslim)

Therefore, focus on these two my dear sister: your heart and your actions, as opposed to only your “intellectual capacity”. Think of all the skills and talents that Allah has bestowed you with, and how you can use them to make a true difference in sha’ Allah. Do not worry about what others say, especially if they are not close people to you whom you should care for. And even if there are close people who say these sort of ill-mannered comments, forgive them and remember what matters is at the end is Allah’s opinion of you.


Check out this counseling video:


Having said that, you mentioned that your fiancé is currently labeling you with these hurtful sorts of labels and that is something to be cautious about. You are a human being who deserves to be treated with respect and especially from your husband who also should treat you with the utmost love and mercy as the verse in the Quran says:

And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put Love and mercy between your (hearts), verily in that are signs for those who reflect.” (30:21)

Hence, my advice to you my dear sister would be first to see a doctor who will be able to diagnose the particular issue that you may have and provide you with concrete suggestions on how to resolve it. This will be important both for you and your fiancé to know before you decide to get married, as it is important for those getting to know one another in marriage to be aware of each other’s conditions and consider them when making the decision to go ahead with the marriage. Also, when it comes to marriage, you should consider the following steps (source: www.findingloveandmercy.com)

1.      Educate Yourself

  • Learn about the etiquette of seeking a spouse, what is permissible to do and what is impermissible
  • Research what type of meaningful questions to ask
  • Learn about your responsibilities and rights over each other (as husband/wife)
  • Find out the Sunnah acts of marriage and romance (there are beautiful examples from the Seerah)
  • Pay the Islamic Bookshop a visit for reading material on this chapter in life

2.      Decide On Desired Characteristics

  • Make a list of characteristics you want your spouse to have; keep in mind that you are not perfect and cannot expect your spouse to be for we are reminded in many ahadith that what we perceive as a disliked quality may be good for us
  • Recognize traits or values that he/she must have and also areas that you are willing to compromise, no one is perfect!
  • Review this list and make sure it is realistic and reflect on your own self, what qualities do you have to offer?

3.      Consider a Potential Spouse

  • Consult trusted friends, family, the local mosque for help
  • Hold meetings in the presence of a wali
  • Ensure you or your family speak to this prospective partner’s close friends and family to gain a complete and truthful insight into the person
  • Reflect upon his/her character traits, values, expectations, goals/dreams, and your compatibility in this respect

4.      Pray Istikhara (The Guidance Prayer)

  • Pray Istikhara for counsel, guidance and make du’aa’
  • Consult family and friends and take good advice
  • Seek your parents’ approval and blessing, a really important factor to ensure they agree with your decision

Finally, having come this long way (!) – Place your trust in Allah when you have made your decision, and in sha’ Allah it will be the start of a productive chapter of your lives.

I hope this helps my dear sister and I wish you all the best.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

How to Deal With Bitter Criticism

How Prophet Muhammad Handled Criticism

I’m Tired of People’s Constant Criticism




About Um Hadi

Um Hadi has BA in Psychology & Education and acquired certifications in Leadership, Life Coaching, Adults Training, and Relationship Coaching. She is currently completing her Masters in Educational Leadership.


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