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Can’t Get Over My Ex-Girlfriend

Questioner

B

Reply Date

Nov 12, 2018

Question

I was away from religion for a long time seeking a career in singing. However, I got guided by Allah and left everything behind. In my time of ignorance, I was in a relationship with a girl. We were together for almost 2 years. When I started getting closer to the religion, she noticed it and broke up with me. I thanked Allah for ridding me of such a haram relationship, but there are two problems I’ve been facing since the breakup.

1, I can’t get over my feelings for her even though she dumped me and walked away without caring at all. She messaged me a week ago writing that she has found a new boyfriend and she is much happier in her life now than she was with me.

She also mentioned that she is moving to Holland for studies and then she was mocking me by saying, ‘Look at me, how successful I became after the breakup; I am moving to Holland happily with a new boyfriend. And look at you; all alone, you left singing and now no one cares about you.’ That got me depressed not because I don’t want her to be happy, but I feel this is unjust. How can a girl, who breaks someone's heart so badly, end up with another boyfriend being happy and I suffer from a broken heart? I’m the one who turned to Allah so shouldn’t I be the one who is happier?

2. Her opinions and beliefs have so much influence on me even though she is not in my life anymore. I have a beard now, I left singing, and now I’m attaining knowledge of Allah but I’m not confident in my belief; something always whispers to me from inside: what if she sees you in a beard? What will she think of you? How can I stop caring about what she thinks of me? How can I be confident in my own beliefs and opinions, remove her love and concern from my heart?

Counselor

Answer


Can't Get Over My Ex-Girlfriend

In this counseling answer:

• You are only going to feel depressed if you do not focus on the blessings that God gave you right now.

• Your ex-girlfriend’s opinions of you do not matter anymore and know that the satanic forces are whispering to you to feel depressed.

• Never ever contact your ex again.

• Get rid of all items in your home/life that remind you of your ex. Out of sight-out of mind.

• Read and/or listen to Quran daily as it is a cure for the pain.


As-Salaamu ‘Aleikom brother,

Getting over a relationship is never easy and I feel for you; it is painful. Picture your heart as a treasure chest full of jewels. Each time we are intimate with another person, they take a jewel out of our heart. We want to get it back but we can’t. This is why people, who had many failed relationships, often feel bankrupt and robbed emotionally. I believe this is the wisdom in not having relations outside of the Islamic parameters. God knows we only oppress ourselves.

When I read your question brother, I saw that you are the one who is successful! The unhappiness and loss you feel can be removed with some fresh perspective on the situation. Let me point out what I mean.

You said you were away from religion for a long time, and now you are close. Success! The description you gave of your ex-girlfriend sounds like she is immature and uncaring. Now she is someone else’s problem, not yours. Success!

She never really loved you if she dumped you when you became a better person through your practice. She only loved herself. She may have seen your religion as a threat to her entitlement and attention from you. Once you started prioritizing God and not her, she was going to leave you anyway. I have seen this before. This is a success that God freed you from her and replaced it with something better; your iman (faith)!

It seems she is envy of you, believe it or not. You chose God and Islam over her and that makes her feel insecure, hence why she deliberately contacted you trying to make you feel like you are the “loser.” She is jealous of you because you possess something greater; a love that is transpersonal and made of real substance. God will never “beak up with you” or let you down when you keep your relationship sound with Him! Allah is Most Loving (Al Wadudu).

You are only going to feel depressed if you do not focus on the blessings that God gave you right now as I pointed out. Your faith, your integrity and your clean lifestyle, which is free from sin with her, is also a success!

On top of that, because you made the right choice, God will provide for you a future partner that is greater in character and beauty, in sha’ Allah! Allah loves those who depend on Him (Quran 3:159). You are now in a relationship with God which means God is calling you to love Him. This is your wealth and your value. God has guided you to preserve your heart’s treasure chest, and you will gain wisdom and experience to know how and who to give your jewels to in the future.


Check out this counseling video:


There are a few other tips I would like to share with you regarding getting over your ex.

Her opinions of you do not matter anymore and know that the satanic forces are whispering to you to feel this way. God tells us that Satan is an open enemy to us (Quran 43:62). Now that you are trying to cling to God, the satanic energies will do their best to sabotage you! Be vigilant and adopt a dhikr (remembrance) practice like saying La ilaha ila Allah (There is no god, but God) several times a day to fortify your heart and mind from these evil inclinations.

They also whisper to your ex to reach out and make you feel depressed. The jinn world has great access to human beings and their systems of sabotage are interlinked with the people they try to corrupt. This is why you cannot be a true believer unless you understand with certainty that unseen forces do play a role in our lives (Quran 2:1-7).

Rule of thumb: Any thoughts that make you feel despair and negativity around choosing God is clearly from Satan.

Tips to help you move on:

Never ever contact your ex.

Erase e-mails/texts that come from her. Don’t even bother reading them, especially if they are no good for you to begin with! A dialogue with them will only make things harder and drag on.

Surround yourself with good company/friends/family. They will make you feel better and keep you socially busy. You are more likely to meet someone new when you socialize and someone better when you are with good company.

Get back into your hobbies and interests; this helps you reconnect with who you are.

Get rid of all items in your home/life that remind you of your ex. Out of sight-out of mind.

Read and/or listen to Quran daily as it is a cure for the pain.

Make du’aa’ with sincerity and trust that God will send you someone better when you are ready.

Take this as a learning experience and be glad it ended when it did; it could have been a lot worse!

God bless you brother on your journey. I am confident that you will be fine because you put first things first and chose God. Only blessings will follow with His permission!

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Karim Serageldin

Karim Serageldin, founder of Noor, completed his BA in psychology & religion, followed by an MA in east-west psychology with a specialization in spiritual counseling. He is a certified life coach with years of teaching and community outreach experience. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship, family and youth coaching. He provides seminars and workshops in the United States. You can contact Br. Karim at: http://www.noorhumanconsulting.com or facebook.com/noorhumanconsulting

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