Answer
Answer:
Wa ‘Alaikum As-Salaam dear sister,
Thank you for your question. It seems that you are quite stressed by your dilemma. Firstly, you say you were married by your father. So, I am assuming that you two did not get to know each other much (or, perhaps at all) before the marriage. Perhaps, you have realized now that you two have different values and priorities in life.
Finding this out after a marriage has taken place becomes difficult as people have to decide if they value the sanctity of marriage enough to compromise on some values, or if their values are un-comparable.
I do not know what the areas of conflict were, but I can tell you that saving a marriage is a very important thing in our religion. If that means giving up on things that are rendered beneficial (i.e. nawafil or even sunnah) for the sake of keeping the marriage a loving, peaceful one, it isn’t only a religious injunction, but it’s also wise and shows a mature understanding of relationships.
From what you write, I gather that you wore hijab and now niqab against the wishes of your husband and family members. I am not an Islamic scholar, but I do know that niqab is not considered obligatory in our religion (unlike hijab which is). Even if some consider it fard (obligatory), there are numerous legitimate opinions that say it is optional.
If this was a major area of debate, it seems that your husband had strong reasons for not wanting his wife to wear niqab.
I can only speak to the example you gave, but I am sure that your arguments ran deeper than this. The important point to remember is what the arguments were about and what were they sacrificing via the arguments. It seems that your adamant stance on wearing niqab cost you a relationship with your spouse. I’m not sure if that is any spiritual progress or does good for your religion, especially since there are children involved.
I do not believe that a marriage needs to be saved no matter what, but I am a firm believer in compromise, communication, and picking and choosing our battles.
Niqab in the West is very restricting and though you felt comfortable in it, it would have had an impact on your entire relationship with your husband as it would play a part in your outdoor activities. If it was such a crucial thing for your spouse, I feel you should have let that one go. If he does not stop you from doing your obligations, even if he does not do them himself, you have no real reason to complain. If he stops you from doing them, then that is a different story. If he stops you from doing some extra non-obligatory things, then every situation can be looked at on its own.
However, the basic rule is that keeping your spouse happy is an obligation itself (whether it be a wife or a husband). So, it seems that you may have sacrificed a bigger good for a smaller good.
As for what to do now, I cannot say for sure as there is very little detail in the question. I do not know why he was deported, but I can assume that the issue is serious enough. What is he doing exactly that is making you lose your faith? I think the answer to your question may be in better understanding your obligations and your responsibilities and not just focusing on your rights.
There are definite deal breakers in marriages – abuse and neglect. Other than these, there is always room for improvement. Our spouses have an impact on our faith but do not control it as it is in our hearts. Marriage is not easy, even if your spouse is religious. I feel that divorce is an easy out for many people when things get difficult. Putting up with the difficulties and differences is a major part of the marriage (not the purpose).
If he is not treating you badly, not stopping you from your obligatory practices, not mocking you but has preferences for certain things (all people do) that you feel are difficult but doable, then I do not see any reason for you to walk away from your marriage. Don’t forget that one of the most pious women we are told about was married to the Pharaoh.
If there are children involved, then the decision to divorce should be solid. Children need their father around, and if you want your children to be religious Muslims, then you have to show them that Islam, as a way of life, works for you and is good for you. Otherwise, why would they decide to follow it?
I do not know his circumstances in which he was neglectful of his responsibilities towards you and the children for two years, so I cannot comment, but I can say that he was wrong in doing that.
I pray you are able to communicate your differences, compromise on things, and figure out a way to honor the marriage because you took vows that you would honor it. These vows stated that in ease and in difficulty you’d find a way and remain committed. Like I said earlier, if there is no abuse or neglect, I would encourage you to find a way to work it out.
Salam,
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