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Severing Daughter and Father

29 May, 2016
Q As salamu `alaykum. My daughter's father and I have been divorced 6 months (incompatibility, his affair). My daughter is 2years 4 months. He has a job, I'm unemployed. After her birth, I tried to be a 100% attentive mother, have read books, tried to read to her, take her out, give her stimulation in every way, exposure to Qur`an etc.. For me the ideal situation would be to have my daughter with me until she is 7 or so, as I have a million ideas on homeschooling and things to teach her. I took her baby-swimming, and I wanted to do a million things. My husband wanted a wife to serve him hand and foot, and I was just physically unable to cope, as we had a lot of different issues at the time, (financial, etc). He just wouldn't try to cooperate or see that his wife was exhausted. Anyway, we divorced. Now I have to put her into daycare and go back to school, something that breaks my heart. We had a wonderful relationship, she was a glowing baby, and gradually, things started to change. I find it harder to cope with keeping her happy, and I cannot do the ambitious reading, Qur`an, and other teaching and learning projects that set me on fire before. I feel I will just fail, and all my beloved books lie on the shelf. I avoid looking at them. I try to be a good parent, but lots of things have gone out of the window. Her father is a bit immature, and I basically cannot discuss her with him, his ego always gets in the way. (ok, ok, mine too!) I want to move away from this horrible village to a bigger city and raise her alone, but the first seven years, for which I had glowing dreams, is to be spent in daycare? With an exhausted mom at the end of the day. My heart breaks. I feel so guilty about my daughter, when I think of all my wonderful plans to make her happy, confident, a hafiza, fluent reader, homeschooled, proficient in horse riding etc,. `In sha'allah Allah will provide her the best childhood, all I can do is pray. Man proposes God disposes. I want to move away so I don't have to bear his [the father] egotistical fights over her, and find someone else to help raise her. She is a wonderful child, and deserves the very best, but she is very sensitive. She's still young, so she can forget him, surely. I don't want to break a blood relationship, but he's going to remarry, and then he'll forget her on and off (he's not steady or committed). He never bothered with her when we were married, which was a major reason for my dissatisfaction. Sometimes he threatens to take her from me, then backs off when I stand up to him. His family tell lies, steal… are not good people. I don't want her to learn that. I want to take her away from him, and start a good life with her somewhere. He's remarrying, the woman whom he had an emotional affair with (a liar too, not a pleasant person… (this is not just an angry ex-speaking). I don't want my daughter to have anything to do with her. I would appreciate some feedback.

Answer

About Islam Counselor
29 May, 2016

As salamu `alaykum,

Dear sister thank you for writing to us and sharing your problems with us.  I pray that I will be able to offer you some words and advice which will help you.

It is so tough raising a child with 2 parents and to have to do it alone must be extremely difficult.  But all is not lost.  Dear sister, I understand where you coming from, when your daughter was born you had these dreams of a beautiful life with a husband who loved and cared for you and who was a good father to your daughter. However it was not to be, everything changed and all the dreams you had for your daughter were shattered.  And now you are depressed because you are not able to give your daughter all that you wanted to.  I understand, but I want you to stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop thinking about the past and stop focusing on what could have been.

Think about how short and how fragile life is, and how we never know what Allah has planned for us. Remember everything happens for a reason, and Allah always wants what is better for us, sometimes we do not see it right away, sometimes it takes a very long time until we fully comprehend, but we should always be sure that everything that happens is in some way for the best.  Life is always changing, and when the big changes occur and it jolts us, these are also tests from Allah, to see how thankful we remain to him, to see if we turn to him for guidance, strength, and hope.  Remember it is a sin to be hopeless, we should always remain hopeful by keeping our trust in Allah.

So okay you will not be able to homeschool your daughter or teach her horseback riding at this time, but your daughter does not need that right now.  She needs you and your love.  She needs your guidance, your strength, your love.  Look at what you are doing, you are going back to school, and I assume this is to increase your qualifications so that you can get a good job.  This is a very good thing you are doing.  You can still read to your daughter and teach her about Islam in the evening.  Find out if there is

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This is a very good thing you are doing.  You can still read to your daughter and teach her about Islam in the evening.  Find out if there is mosque with a program where they teach children about Islam.  You have not mentioned where your parents and family are.  And make some good Muslim friends yourself.  Keep yourself busy and active and in a positive environment.

If you feel that your daughter’s father and his family will be harmful to your daughter or hurt her then you should stop it.  Remember although her father has a right to see her he also has a duty to provide for her.  If you have trouble dealing with him then you should contact a good Muslim Imam to help you.   Remember you should do you best to do what is in the best interest of your child at every point of her life and then pray and leave it Allah.

Dear sister look to the future, plan for the future, forget the past.  Think about what is best for you and your daughter now.  If you think it will be better to move away, then make the provisions and go for it.  Whatever it is that you think is best, make Istikhara (prayer fro guidance) and then take action and do it.

Above all pray to Allah and put your trust in Allah.  If you become determined, work hard and put your trust in Allah you will `in sha’allah be successful.

{And He answers (the invocation of) those who believe (in the Oneness of Allah Islamic Monotheism) and do righteous good deeds, and gives them increase of His Bounty. And as for the disbelievers, theirs will be a severe torment.”}(Ash-Shura 42:26)

{Then when you have taken a decision, put your trust in Allah, certainly, Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him)} (Aal `Imran 3:159)