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Dad’s Needs or Dad’s Greed?

11 May, 2016
Q As-salamu 'alaykum. My problem is my father. He is 60 years old, but still strong. He lost his teaching job about a year ago but made no efforts to find another job. He has been living off my mother's salary for the past year. My mother has been having problems with his spending habits -- excessive overseas telephone calls, excessive internet usage, excessive mobile phone usage, unnecessary purchases, etc. At the same time, she can't refuse him every time he asks her for money or to buy certain things. Due to his demands, she has accumulated about US$2,000 debt on her credit card that she is trying to pay off little by little right now. She pays for everything in her house (she prefers to live independently rather than live with me or my older) and everything for herself. She does not mind paying for his needs but she complains about his excessive spending habits. He, on the other hand, does not seem to have any qualms living off her salary. Even when he was working, my mother paid for most of the household expenses. He seems to feel threatened when she has more money than him. When he finds out she has some savings, he wouldn't stop pestering her until she spends her savings on something that he wants, e.g. a bigger TV. Recently, my father went back to our homeland and accepted a position. He had some money with him but has spent it all within less than a month and also became indebted .He has been pressuring my mother to give him the money to settle the bill. She told him she has no money so now he is sending me text messages almost everyday, asking for money from me. He tells me again and again how he sacrificed a lot, how he went hungry, etc. just to send me to university and that I should now re-pay the debt. I work therefore I do have some money to give my parents from my salary (without asking money from my husband). I give my mother some money every now and then, e.g. to pay for medical checkup and some of her bills. As for my father, I don't mind giving him some money for his NEEDS but I am reluctant to do so because I fear he will spend it unwisely and just keep asking for me. When I give him an amount that I feel is already adequate (after consulting several friends and relatives in our homeland), he tells me I'm too stingy, I should give more, then quotes me verses from the Qur'an. I would like to know: Am I obliged to give him money, as a daughter (who has a her own salary)? If so, to what extent? How do we make him realize the error of his ways (when it comes to spending), given how stubborn he is? Is it okay for a parent to say to his children: "I sacrificed so much for you and now you have to re-pay me"? I realized he has done many things for me in the past, but the way he says it just makes me feel so bad deep inside, so bad that it makes me feel like not giving him anything. Also, he has accumulated some credit card debt AFTER he lost his job. He spent it on unnecessary things .It seems he has no intentions of re-paying it. The bank people are now looking for him. When my mother nags him about it, he tells her that his children are obliged to pay off his debts. I know children are obliged to do so at their parent(s)' death but in this case, if he had no niyyat (intention) of paying when he incurred the debts, what are we supposed to do? [What is your opinion on this?] Sometimes I feel bad because it's like we are harboring a fugitive. The bank has already initiated legal proceedings due to his non-payment of his credit card debts. But at the same time, he's already old and we fear that he might be jailed if he gets caught. We are in a foreign country now and I must admit that, al hamdu lillah, we are in a more comfortable position now than most people living in our native homeland. But at the same time, we are not really rich, so as to be able to give away money to people the way he does. Please, please advise me what I should do. He sends me text messages and emails almost everyday, all in a negative tone of voice. Thank you so much and may Allah bless you!

Answer

As-salamu `Alaikum,

Thank you for writing to us. Here are some thoughts for your consideration based on the three questions you asked.

First, a child is obligated to help his or her parents within limits. In this particular situation, your father is clearly not exercising any discretion with regards to his spending and is in fast infringing on your personal wealth. You can give money to your father but there will be almost no way to make sure that he spends it on his essential needs. One way around this is to buy for him gift certificates to grocery stores etc so that he does not have access to cash and is forced to meet his essential needs.

Second, you can outline your case against his spending habits in the form of an objective letter that does not address him as a person but rather focuses on the issue of his spending habits. He needs to know that he is causing you and your family a lot of pain because of his spending habits. Even if he is stubborn, your duty is to remind him and then leave the outcome to Allah.

 

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Third, parents say hurtful things sometimes and the worst of those hurtful statements is to follow up charity with injury as Allah reminds us in the Qur`an. While parents will be rewarded for their sacrifices, it is actually their duty and the child’s right to be educated. There is no such injunction in Islam that the child must repay his or her parents for the care they provided for him or her. What is expected is that when the child is independently wealthy, he or she would care for and provide for his or her parents.

Finally, we urge you not to handle this situation on your own. Do not succumb to the text messages requesting money. Your father is responsible for his actions not only in terms of the law but especially in front of Allah. Work with your mother so that all of you have the same information about your father all the time. Develop some sort of strategy on how much and when you will give to your father. Makedu`aa‘ for him and always respect him `in sha`allah. Ask Allah to help him see his faulty ways.

 

About Dr. Abdullah Abdur Rahman
Dr. Abdullah Abdur Rahman had obtained his Masters and PhD in Social Work and has worked in the US as a licensed social worker since then. His focus is on counseling Muslims in non-Muslim countries, with special emphasis on life in North America, counseling adolescents, pre-marital counseling, online counseling for married couples and da`wah (inviting people to Islam).