Ads by Muslim Ad Network

My Child Has No Friends

23 April, 2016
Q Are childhood friendships important for future success and social adjustment? My child doesn't have friends and doesn't want to have any. His teacher told me that my son is facing the risk of depression and other problems.

Answer

As-salamu `alaykum

Jazaka Allahu khayran, sister, for entrusting us with your problem, may Allah guide us to the right path. Ameen.

Your child is obviously facing a great problem and you and his father need to help him to ensure safe passage through his first years at school. As we don’t have enough insight information about your child’s environment, we will attempt to broaden our answer for the benefit of other readers as well.

Let us first analyze possible causes for his problem. Your son (as possibly many other ethnic children) could be feeling disengaged from his external environment, that is his school and his friends. He seems physically existent while emotionally absent from his surroundings.

This problem could be attributed to some main causes such as:

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

1. If the child is consistently blamed for his/her actions at home, then that could generate lack of confidence and would cause the child to think many times before attempting to act or speak. Therefore, that could lead to social isolation and the desire to being alone.

2. If there are continuous arguments between the father and mother in the children’s presence, that would also lead to sense of insecurity and depression. Arguments do of course happen between any married couple, but children should always be away from such distasteful and turbulent times.

3. The Ummah is facing a great trial at the moment, and we see every day in the news that Muslims in many parts of the world are being oppressed and mistreated. Children may be affected by such situations, from either watching news or listening to normal conversation taking place at home. That could cause a desire to disengage from the surrounding society as it could be seen as one of the reasons for the problems that face Muslims these days.

4. Lack of a private life that could be made at his age with “out of school” friends such as family friends.

5. The child being over controlled, such as giving too many directions in trivial matters. Also, control in the child’s choice of relevant toys, books and material.

The solutions to these possible causes mentioned above are quite simple but need patience and commitment. The good thing is that your son is only six, so improvement could be relatively swift, depending on the cause(s) from the above list.

Your child needs to feel confident with his surroundings; you need to encourage him to make decisions within the limits of his age and perception. A child’s personality is shaped from quite an early age and being confident in basic decision-making will greatly help his social abilities.

I advise you to:

– Visit him at school one or two days a week as a volunteer teacher or helper. UK schools do encourage such arrangements. This will help him feel confident and help you observe what may be going on.

– Try to exclude your child from any arguments between you and his father (if this is the case). Speak with your child and encourage him to express himself and his ideas about things with little guidance. You can let him make mistakes, don’t prematurely interrupt him, just comment on the result (in a friendly way), perhaps explaining a better way of doing things.

– Balance his perception towards the problems of the Ummah; let him recognize his differences from other children but positively contribute in the surrounding community.

– Also, let him live his age and not be troubled with what is happening to Muslims all over the world. We Muslims living in the West have a great duty to bring up our children in a balanced way so that they know and respect their Islamic roots, but at the same time, positively engage with the surrounding society.

– Some Muslims take the extreme of smearing the surrounding environment with negativeness that cause them to be isolated and passive, while others melt away into the society, cutting ties to their roots and diluting their principles. Both are wrong as they will neither help their societies nor carry the word of Islam (Da`wah) to the rest. The first attitude causes Muslims to be disengaged from their societies meaning that they exist physically but not actually (in mind and soul). The second attitude causes Muslims to be positively engaged but with no foundation.

Try to take the middle way, as shown by our beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him). Teach your child to contribute while proudly recognizing and maintaining his identity.

– Choose his friends carefully, both Muslims and non-Muslims. At the weekends, try to visit some families with similar values to your own and get him to mix with other children.

– If you see a good mother at school, invite her son to your home to play for a couple of hours after school.

– Encourage your child to choose some of his own toys, and don’t be overly concerned if they are a bit messy, such as painting equipment.

– Build his love of sports such as swimming at this young age. Any interest in sports will encourage him to make friends and give him confidence.

Finally, I pray to Allah Most High to help you with your son’s situation. I encourage you to keep in touch with us if you have any further queries.

About Soha El-Saman
Soha El-Saman is the founder and headmistress of Al-Abrar Arabic Language School, Reading, Berkshire, UK. The school teaches a range of ages from 5 years to adults.She is also a teacher of Information Technology to primary pupils at Chiltern College, Reading, UK. Soha teaches Arabic and Islamic Studies at several educational centers attached to UK mosques.