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What if Your Friends are Backbiting You?

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

May 02, 2017

Question

Assalamu Alaykum. I am a 14 years old Muslimah. A friend of mine continuously brings me down and talks behind my back. She is always hypocritical and cannot take responsibility for her mistakes. Recently, she has tried to turn people against me. I know the only way to not feel hatred and anger towards her is to turn to Allah, but after dua, I still find myself angry. Do you have any tips for this situation? Also, I have lost two friends because the friend that is badmouthing me convinced me that friendship with her was more important than with these two old friends. Any dua to possibly become close with these two again?

Counselor

Answer


What if Your Friend is Backbiting You?

Answer: 

As-Salamu ‘Alaikum dear sister,

Ma sha’ Allah, at such a young age, the fact that you are seeking the right way to handle a problem is an example for everyone to follow. Instead of planning against your friend who is backbiting you and creating differences between you and your two close friends, you have turned to Allah (swt). May Allah (swt) be pleased with your efforts and continue to guide you and make you a guide for the righteous!

The first thing that I would like to advise you is to continue to be a good person, but don’t waste time to prove it to others. The type of person you are is between you and Allah (swt). And you must remember that whatever happens is by the decree of Allah (swt).

If you believe your two friends are really your true friends, you can try talking to them and explaining the truth. You can plan to meet them and discuss this in a sincere and honest matter, without degrading the other friend who has created differences. You must be calm and self-contained. However, if they decide to ignore you or not accept your words, you must let them go. Although you may desire their friendship, it is possible that your feelings are not reciprocating. Therefore, it is best if you start distancing yourself from their company.

Perhaps Allah (swt) is turning your friends away from you because they are not good for you any longer. Perhaps their company is no longer beneficial to you in any way. If your friends have easily believed a third person and disregarded you and your old friendship with them, then that really says a lot about them and their feelings towards you.

Allah (swt) tells us in the Quran that,

“But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you, and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.” (2: 216)

With all the stress you have been going through regarding your friendship, remember that the most important relationship you have is with Allah (swt).

Allah (swt) also advises us in the Quran,

“”And whoever turns away from My remembrance – indeed, he will have a depressed life, and We will gather him on the Day of Resurrection blind.” (20:124)

Next, dear sister, please do not waste your precious time and energy thinking about your friends. You are a bright and a righteous student and you need to invest your time learning and doing productive work. Unnecessarily dwelling your mind thinking about your friends will distract you from your education and make you unhealthy as well. If you let other’s petty comments and behavior affect you mentally and emotionally, you will face a myriad of mental health conditions.

You need to stay focused on the present and realize that their opinions and behavior towards you is not going to affect your lifestyle or determine your state of mind and health. You need to realize that situations like these are prone to happen later on in your life whether it be at a workplace, extra-curricular activities, or family relationships.

Allah (swt) says in the Quran,

“And be patient over what they say and avoid them with gracious avoidance.” (73:10)

Therefore, how you deal with these situations determines your level of happiness. You must be strong and consider your true goals in life: pleasing Allah (swt) and pursuing education and professionalism.

Part of growing up mentally and emotionally is losing friends who do not have the same priorities and same values as you. In fact, losing friends is better than keeping those friends who become obstacles towards success and bring toxicity in lives.

You need to believe in yourself. If you make up a mindset and tell yourself that others’ behavior towards you and their attitude towards you will not deprive you of your happiness and your potential, then you will be ultimately successful, happy, and will have real friends who believe in you and won’t be misguided easily or accept rumors as truth. If you are on the right path, Allah (swt) will send the right type of people at the right time, in sha’ Allah. You need to have faith and be patient.

I hope my answer provided the guidance you were looking for.

Salam,

***

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About Madiha Sadaf

Madiha Sadaf in an undergraduate student at the University of Ottawa, enrolled in BSc. with Major in Biology and Psychology with Minor in Health Social Sciences.

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