I saw his pictures and I said no because I didn't like him. My family knew that I won’t like him, but they still accepted the proposal.
The next day his family came to see me and fix the date of the wedding. First, they didn't tell me they are coming, but later in the evening they told me to get ready. I was crying and was constantly saying that I won't marry him, but my family didn't care.
My mom came to my room when I was getting ready. She told me I had to accept this proposal. She was pressurizing me and said: if I didn’t accept the proposal, they wouldn’t take me back to Canada. So I had to accept the proposal and the nikkah took place.
Now that I'm back in Canada, he constantly texts me and calls me, but I don't answer most of the times. In the beginning, I tried giving this marriage a chance and started talking to him, but what I have realized from our talks was that he was totally different from me. His personality is different.
He is 7 years older than me. I don't like him at all. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with him.
He is in Pakistan and soon he will come to Canada and the marriage will take place, but I don't think I'm ready for it. I can't even stand his texts then how am I supposed to spend my life with him?
I can't take divorce right now because I live with my parents and I'm dependent on them. So if I even talk to them about it, they would be so mad and won't talk to me. I can't get out of this situation. I don't want to be with him. I really need someone's advice.Thanks!
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- There is no justification for forced marriages in Islam.
- You have your right to be happy and live a loving marriage.
- You are saying that he is different from you and you don’t like him, but there is no man on earth who is prefect. I suggest, you give him a chance and try talking to him.
- If you think that there is no way this marriage will work, please do istikharah.
As-Salaam ‘Aleikom sister,
Thank you for contacting us regarding your problem. We appreciate it. I will try my best to advice you the best I can, In sha’ Allah.
I am very saddened to hear about what has happened to you. Unfortunately, there are many marriages that are unfair and can make a person’s life miserable. They are either forced or arranged against a person’s will. Islam does not support in any way a marriage where either the man or woman is unhappy with the set up.
Wrong
What your family did was very wrong. They married you to someone you didn’t like, and they will be held accountable on the day of reckoning of that, there is no doubt. There is no justification for forced marriages in Islam. We see that some people use their power of authority and cultural understanding to arrange such forced marriages.
What your mother did to you was an emotional manipulation to get you into this marriage. Emotional manipulation occurs when someone deliberately manipulates another person into feeling or act a certain way that can be exploited. It is a form of abuse although it may not be as evident as other forms. It’s an emotional abuse which may or may not be associated with other forms of abuse, such as physical and sexual abuse.
“O you who have believed, it is not lawful for you to inherit women by compulsion. And do not make difficulties for them in order to take [back] part of what you gave them unless they commit a clear immorality. And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them – perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good.” (Quran 4:19)
Islam is a religion which commands justice towards others and forbids oppression.
“Indeed, Allah orders justice, good conduct, and giving to relatives; and forbids immorality, bad conduct, and oppression. He admonishes you that perhaps you will be reminded.” (16:90)
People often confuse the concept of an arranged marriage with a forced marriage. An arranged marriage is one where the couple is introduced for marriage by the third party, rather than by one of them proposing to the other.
Marriage
Marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a woman, which makes each other permissible for them to enjoy and live happily. Allah (swt) has described, in the most moving and eloquent terms, this eternal, natural relationship between man and woman, which is filled with security, love, understanding and compassion:
“And among His signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: Verily in that are signs for those who reflect.” (Quran 30:21)
You have your right to be happy and live a loving marriage. The one person you cannot blame is your husband. He might not know that you were forced to marry him.
Check out this counseling video:
Giving a chance
You are saying that he is different from you and you don’t like him, but there is no man on earth who is prefect. I suggest, you give him a chance and try talking to him. Whatever you decide to do, make it easy for your husband because, despite all that has happened, it does seem he is an innocent party in all this.
There are many couples who have lived together, despite not understanding each other. Allah (swt) opened up the doors for them due to their commitment to each other and to make this sacred communion of marriage work. Could this not also work out in your situation?
Conclusion
Maybe you will like him more when he moves to Canada and when you both spent some time together. This does not mean that I condone this custom of forced marriage you have fallen prey to. May Allah (swt) protect us all from such unhappiness. However, I do encourage that you give this all that you can to see it in a different light.
If you think that there is no way this marriage will work, please do istikharah, and if you still feel it is impossible to live with this man, then divorce would certainly be permissible in this case.
And Allah (swt) knows best.
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