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Boyfriend Tempts Me to Do Haram; Shall I Marry Him?

30 November, 2023
Q Salamu alaykum warahmatullah. Please, I am in a relationship with a decent brother. Islamically inclined, that was the one thing that attracted me to him. We are hoping to get married but he hasn't really settled down, but we are already deeply in love and now we got a chance to kiss once, but it wasn't a mistake. It was planned. But we promised to never to have sex. Now, I am thinking I have made the wrong choice, but he's not feeling remorseful that we kissed and he hope to do it again because he said he loves me. I am just confused. Should I still consider being with him? Is it right to kiss somebody? I know he loves me. Please, a piece of advice for me. Thank you.

Answer

Answer:

As Salamu ‘Alaykum sister,

Thank you for writing to us with your most important question. You stated that you are interested in a brother and that he is also interested in you. You are both “deeply in love”.

I am not sure to what extent this relationship is truly a relationship. Some feel they have a relationship if they talk on the phone once in awhile. Or if they meet in public with guardians to get to know one another. Or if they have only met once and agreed to be in a “relationship” which means getting to know one another in a halal way for the purpose of marriage. Others would state that a relationship is one in which two people see each other on a regular basis and do things together alone as well as with others. They generally consider themselves a couple with no restraints. As you know sister, in Islam this is haram.

While it does not sound like this is what is happening here, it does sound like you both have crossed some very serious boundaries. You both planned a kiss and followed through with it.

I would kindly suggest sister that you refrain from further behaviors such as this. Stop being alone with this man (if this is the case) and ask for Allah’s (swt) forgiveness.

While we all sin and make mistakes as we are human, what makes us a conscious Muslim who strives to please Allah (swt) is our regret and sorrow when we have fallen short. We then are driven with guilt and pain and seek Allah’s (swt) forgiveness.

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You expressed concern that this man does not feel remorse for the kiss at all. In fact, he wants more! Why? Because he states he loves you?

Any man (and a lot do) can say they love you to try to entice you into behaviors that are haram. In reality, it may be true to an extent; however, when you love someone you do not encourage them to go against Allah (swt) nor do you proclaim your love and not initiated marriage.

Sister, I would kindly suggest that you follow your concerns about him not being remorseful for the kiss. If he truly loved you and was truly seeking to please Allah (swt) (and not his desires), he would have expressed remorse and set things on the right track. He would stop being alone with you anymore and would instead speak with your parents in regards to marriage. He would explain to you that what happened was haram and cannot happen again. But he didn’t.

Dearest sister, the issue here is that he “hasn’t really settled down” as you stated. This is a key factor when wondering if this is “love” or not, if this is a serious proposal for marriage or not.

I would kindly suggest that you stop seeing and communicating with this man. Seek out a brother who is truly settled and serious about finding a pious, grounded wife to marry. It appears sister (and Allah (swt) forgive me if I am wrong) that this man is seeking his own desires at this time and not those of his Lord and certainly not yours. Your desires reside within pleasing Allah (swt).

I am confident that you are an intelligent, beautiful and pious young lady and will find someone who treats you with the respect and dignity you deserve. In sha‘ Allah, sister, seek a man who wants to marry you for the sake of Allah (swt) and because he sees things admirable in you that will make for a compatible wife. Do not marry one who is not settled and certainly not one who leads you knowingly into haram acts.

You are in our prayers sister.

Please let us know how you are doing. 

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha has a PhD in psychology, an MS in public health and a PsyD. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years at Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. She has worked with clients with mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, panic disorder, trauma, and OCD. She also facilitated support groups and provided specialized services for victims of domestic violence, HIV positive individuals, as well youth/teen issues. Aisha is certified in Mindfulness, Trauma Informed Care, Behavioral Management, Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and Confidentiality & Security. Aisha is also a Certified Life Coach, and Relationship Workshop facilitator. Aisha has a part-time Life Coaching practice in which she integrates the educational concepts of stress reduction, mindfulness, introspection, empowerment, self love and acceptance and spirituality to create a holistic healing journey for clients. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocates for prisoner rights/reentry, social & food justice, as well as advocating for an end to oppression & racism. In her spare time, Aisha enjoys her family, photography, nature, martial arts classes, Islamic studies, volunteering/charity work, as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.