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I Love Him, but He Doesn’t Want to Marry Me

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Jul 23, 2018

Question

Salam, 5 years ago, I felt attracted to a guy. I'm 22 now. He studied with me. I'm not a typical girl so I have never got 'involved' with anyone ever. With time I thought my feelings would go. We were good friends once, but things didn't work out, so we ended our friendship. College ended and so I thought this chapter would close. But it didn't.

What I had for him kept growing. It grew to the extent that it was unbearable to keep it inside of me. I was in love with him. I knew he was as deep a person as me. There was connectivity. Even when we had so many differences, there was still something very similar between us. 4 years passed by and I bared what I had for him in my head. We were not in any kind of contact. Keeping it inside of me was horrible. I wanted to tell him not because I was expecting anything to happen, but I wanted to feel lighter and better as it was driving me insane and eating me alive. Fortunately, last year, he messaged me telling that he was sorry and sorting all the differences. This gave me a signal to tell him my truth. So I did. He told me that he doesn’t feel the same way, but that he respects me.

When I told him everything, I felt so much better. I didn't care if he loved me back, I appreciated the fact that he was so understanding. He asked me if we could be friends and I agreed. I'm not waiting for him; I just wanted to see what this friendship could lead to. But he wants to meet me. Now I don't know in what sense. As a friend or if he wants to 'consider' me and check if he can like me or not. I don't want to give him or anyone a chance to 'consider' or 'check me out!' What does he want to see? If he feels attracted towards me or not?

Also, it's not right to meet boys. I don't know what will happen after I meet him. I don't know how it will affect me. Sometimes, I think I should meet him to know what kind of a person he is now. Maybe I get a sign that I should stop liking him that way. Maybe it helps me take a further step in life. But I feel meeting him will make me confused too. I also think he's just time passing with me and that he has other girls around and is looking at different options around (not just claiming, have proofs). I haven't met him ever since 5 years. I've been avoiding him. I don't have my feelings open all the time. I don't know how I'll react when I see him. All the emotions coming in at the same time so I'm scared to meet him. I just don't know whether it's right to meet him or not. Islam always intervenes in this matter.

I have never gone out with boys, even in groups and I've never made any real guy friends. I plan to get away with this. It’s hard, but Allah gives the strength since nothing is impossible. Even if I meet him, I’ll still be able to get away. I am not someone who gets carried away easily. But please don't advise me to marry someone else. I cannot give away the love to somebody else just like that. Please help me decide. Should I meet him?

Counselor

Answer


I Love Him, but He Doesn't Want to Marry Me

In this counseling answer:

• I would like you to reflect upon what love means to you.

• Try to step back away from your emotions and look at this situation as a stranger would.


As-Salamu ‘Alaikum dear sister,

Thank you for writing with your most important concern. Often times, when we hold someone in our hearts for so long, we can get conflicting messages about what we truly feel. Five years is a long time to hold all those feelings inside of you, and often when we do, the feelings become magnified as if there was a real basis for these feelings. In essence, we create this great love and affection based on nothing but mere passing and fleeting glimpses. As you are at the age when you are ready for marriage and hormones are raging, these feelings can often be projected upon an acquaintance, a friend or a stranger. It often grows into a fixation in which all we can think about is that person even though we do not know him!

I would like you to reflect upon what love means to you. In sha’ Allah, write down the qualities a man would have that would make you love him. Would it be kindness, compassion, a man who is courageous? Ambitious? One who likes to socialize and have many friends? One who devotes his time to studying Islam and doing charitable deeds?  Does the man whom you may love want a few children or many? What kind of a father and husband would he be? Would you enjoy his family or would there be a conflict? Do you know where you would like to live once you are married or does it not matter?


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These and many other questions, dear sister, are some of the things you should reflect upon when thinking about “love” and more importantly, marriage. With this said, how can you be sure that you love him? In sha’ Allah, please do think about these questions and explore what love means to you. Love as a word is easy; however, love as an action, meaning actually being married to someone and getting to know them, is a totally different thing.

Alhumdulillah you are keeping the tenets of Islam and guarding yourself against falling into sin.  In the Qur’an it says,

“And do not approach unlawful sexual intercourse. Indeed, it is ever an immorality and is evil as a way.” (17:32)

While you may think you can control yourself or the situation if you meet this guy, the truth is you probably will not be able to as your emotions are running high. This could also be a test for you. Do you really want to play with your relationship with Allah (swt) over a boy who already told you he does not feel the same way about you? Why would you risk your chastity? Why would you even want to meet him, sister? He has already told you he was not interested in you for marriage. Perhaps, he is just interested in trying to take advantage of your feelings and cohering you into sex?

You already said you knew it was not right to meet boys.  You also said “I don’t know what will happen after I meet him. I don’t know how it will affect me. Sometimes I think I should meet him to know what kind of a person he is now.” Well, my dear sister, you stated yourself you do not know what will happen after you meet him and that you don’t know how it will affect you. That is a dangerous position to put yourself in.

Secondly, you stated you wanted to know what kind of a person he is now. Well, you do know he doesn’t feel the same way about you, which means his intentions are not for marriage. So, if his intentions are not for marriage, then his intentions are most likely haram.

Sister, try to step back away from your emotions and look at this situation as a stranger would. A girl thinks she loves a boy. The boy has a lot of girls around him. This girl, however, is a good, pious Muslimah and has kept herself chaste. One day, she tells the boy how she feels, and he says “I don’t feel that way about you”. Then he says “but they can be friends”. Knowing the girl has feelings for him, he tells her, “hey, let’s meet!” If you were advising your sister or a friend, what would you think? What would you say?

You are a beautiful, young pious sister who deserves much better. Please, do not fall into his trap. Please make du’aa’ to Allah (swt) to keep you on the right path.

You said, “I plan to get away with this”. Sister, you may be able to escape the eyes of your family and friends, but you cannot escape Allah (swt). He sees and knows everything we do. Is this a boy worth it? In fact, even if he did feel the same way, would you want a future husband who had “many girls” around him? In my opinion, you are worth much more than this. Sister, I would kindly advise you, do not meet this boy and cut off all communication. You will not regret it. In fact, by respecting yourself and obeying Allah (swt), Allah (swt) will bless you with so much more.

There is a boy waiting to meet his pious, beautiful wife. He will love her dearly in an Islamic way, the way he is supposed to. And you will love him, too, far more than you ever thought possible. Wait for the husband Allah (swt) has for you. It will be worth it.

This could be a horrible, unrepairable lesson if you meet him. If you do not meet him, it could be the beginning of freeing yourself from these false feelings of love that you have.  Please, sister chose what Allah (swt) has for you – this boy is not it.

You are in our prayers. Please, let us know how you are.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

Finding the Love of Your Life

I Want to Convert, But Where’s the Love in Islam?

How to Control Our Love for this Dunya?




About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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