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He Just Disappeared and Left Me in Tornadoes

Questioner

H

Reply Date

Jun 24, 2018

Question

There is a pious brother who lives 8 hours away from me, and we want to get married. I want him to come to meet my parents, but I'm afraid my parents will reject him because of his age and race. They want someone handsome, rich, and of my culture. But I don't care these. I like him for his deen.

He's really pious and cares a lot about Islam. We talked sometimes online to see how he can come and talk to my parents. We have done istikhaara and we felt good about it. However, once I was in a bad mood so he said "I should go now you're in bad mood." I said, ok you could go if you wanted. Then, 3 days later, I left for vacation to visit my family/relatives back home. I tried to get in contact with him, but there was no reply. I'm back now, and it’s been 26 days since I last heard from him. I feel like I pushed him away. I'm so devastated because I really liked him. Last night, I had a dream about tornadoes. They kept forming and my family were all trying to dodge them and hide.

My family wasn't listening to me to come underneath; they were just happy and smiling. Then when a tornado came nearby, they finally got in. After it was gone, they went out, but more tornadoes came, and I kept telling them to stay underneath, but they wouldn't listen. It was scary; they kept forming and in the end everything was ripped away, Then I woke up. I feel like the dream was just about the frustrations I've been having ever since I didn't hear from him. I don't know what to do. I feel so hurt and depressed.

Are all these problems because it wasn't supposed to be? Should I just leave him alone? I'm sad because he never gave me a closure and just disappeared. I trust him because he's honest and trustworthy and pious and he would never do something like this. It's just not him. I'm so depressed and sad. I can’t do anything straight.

Counselor

Answer


He Just Disappeared and Left Me in Tornadoes

In this counseling answer:

• Cut every contact with this brother.

• Appreciate yourself.

• Talk to your parents about marriage in general.


As-Salamu `Alaikum sister,

Thank you for sending us your question. May Allah (swt) help you to find peace and serenity within yourself and grant you the strength to have the power to overcome your heart’s desires.

It seems you are really hurt and disappointed about what happened with you and this brother. From your description, you thought very highly of him. You were shattered when he no longer contacted you. You put your trust in him, and you gave him the keys to your heart to the extent that you were dependant on him and felt emotionally fulfilled. You thought that he was “honest, trustworthy, and pious, and he would never do something like this,” – but he did.

To add to your frustration, you felt that your parents would not support you in this marriage because of their mindset which already put you in a difficult position, to begin with. You certainly must feel very alone because the thing that you wanted most did not happen.


Check out this counseling video:


Trust in Allah

It’s ok and natural to feel this pain. Most people in your position would feel upset. You are a young adult and, Allah (swt) has started to expose you to hardships so you can grow intellectually and spiritually. The most important lesson to learn from these hardships is that we must put our full trust in Allah (swt) alone, and not other people because people are not perfect.

This brother you had high hopes for disappointing you. Allah (swt) knew that you put all your hopes in this brother and that you were dependant on him to fulfill your emotional needs. However, Allah (swt) does not want you to define your self-worth based on this man’s approval, so it may be that Allah (swt) willed for this ending of the relationship to happen. It had to happen because you needed to understand that this feeling of fulfillment should come from within yourself and from Allah (swt) before anyone else can claim your heart.

Allah (swt) only knows if you are meant to marry this brother or not. However, I don’t advise you to continue contacting this brother. You should never be put in a position to feel like you are begging for the other person’s attention. If this brother was serious about you and wanted to marry you, he would have contacted you and asked for your parents’ contact information so he can speak to them frankly about his intentions.

The Problem with Online Relationships

The problem with online relationships is that it is easy to connect with people whom you do not know. You get to “know” that person through online chatting or even voice or video chat, but that is nothing compared to getting to know that person in real life. Online, you have the power to show people how you want them to see you.
I cannot speak for this brother you have been chatting with, but ask yourself: did you like him or did you like the idea of him? Most of us desire to be married to God-fearing and considerate people, and once you thought you found one, you held on too tight. In sha’Allah, this special man will come for you as Allah (swt) wills, but it may not be this brother. It may be that Allah (swt) has decreed something much better for you.

Appreciate yourself. Get to know yourself more and learn to improve your strengths and work on your weaknesses. Start to love yourself and most importantly love and trust Allah (swt) more than anything and anyone. The painful feelings that you have been experiencing now will heal with time. You will get through this, in sha’ Allah.

A final suggestion for you would be to talk to your parents about marriage in general. Try to get on the same page with them regarding your ideas and beliefs about how the best spouse would be like. Be open and honest about your feelings and actions.

There may be a generational and cultural gap between you and them, but it is a universal human feeling to enjoy your children’s companionship. Help them to understand you and try to understand them so when it becomes time for marriage, things can happen harmoniously among you.

May Allah (swt) choose the best for you!

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aliah F. Azmeh

Aliah F. Azmeh is a licensed clinical social worker who practices in Detroit, Michigan. Aliah graduated with a Master's degree in Social Work from the University of Michigan in 2007 and has experience working in the United States and overseas. Aliah currently works as a clinical social worker and provides individual, family, and marital counseling at Muslim Family Services in Detroit, MI.

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