All of them were complete strangers so I felt comfortable there. I know it was not good, but I felt I had no other option. The first problem has arisen when a Hindu guy fell in love with me, thinking that I was a Hindu, although I am a firm believer in Allah (s.w.t). We chatted all day every day. Realizing his feelings, I told him the truth and he was okay with it. We haven’t done anything haraam. I also have feelings for him, although I know he is a non-believer, I have faith in Allah (s.w.t) that one day he will definitely accept Islam and will quit all his ill acts. The second problem has arisen when he expressed his wish to have a physical relationship with me.
Being a believer, I know this is a grave sin, therefore I refused. Now, the situation is that I can neither agree to get physical nor leave him. I am sure I will not commit zina, but since I also have feelings for him, I can let him do that act neither with me nor with anybody else. I don’t know what to do. Please help me.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• I would advise that in sha’ Allah you also speak with your Imam about what is going on in your community as far as being Muslim and being bullied.
• Speak to your parents.
• Get counseling.
• Cut off relations with this boy and focus on building up your self-esteem and confidence through true Muslim friends and activities.
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum dear sister,
I am so sorry to hear that you were a victim of bullying. Sadly, it is common, but the most devastating experience that many young people go through.
I am concerned for your mental health in relation to the bullying, sister. Therefore I urge you, in sha’ Allah, to please let your parents know about your issue. Also, seek counseling for the effects it may have had.
The APA describes bullying as “ aggressive behavior that is intentional and involves an imbalance of power or strength. It is a repeated behavior and can be physical, verbal, or relational. While boys may bully others using more physical means, girls often bully others by social exclusion. Bullying has been part of the school, and even workplaces, for years.”
Furthermore, dear sister, being bullied might be the cause of psychological effects such as depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, PTSD and so on. Therefore, I urge you to seek professional help if it is still occurring. I also urge you to inform the university about the situation. While I am not clear as to what extent you were bullied, whether it was emotional or physical, it needs to be addressed.
As far as your assuming a different identity online to escape the abuse and bullying, you created a different identity to feel accepted and have friends. While this is understandable, dear sister, it is still not acceptable as you portrayed yourself as someone you are not – namely a Hindu. I would ask that you reflect upon why you did not make a new Facebook profile with your Muslim identity, but leave out identifying factors such as name, location and so forth. Many sisters, indeed, do that as they value their privacy online.
The fact that you created a Hindu profile may indicate you live in a Hindu environment. If so, are you being bullied because of being Muslim? If this is the case, my dear sister, I would advise that in sha’ Allah you also speak with your Imam about what is going on in your community as far as being Muslim and being bullied. If it is happening to you, it is happening to other young Muslims. Therefore, an intervention is needed in the community. If not, may Allah (swt) forgive me, but as stated, I do not have enough information on what happened to you and why. I am just trying to piece together this puzzle of the Hindu profile.
I highly suggest dear sister that you close your Hindu FB profile. Let the guy know that while you do care for him, you are Muslim and must cease all communications with him. Let him know, however, that should he truly feel Islam is the true path, and he desires to revert to Islam and marry, you would be open to having him contact your family for further correspondence. His reversion must be sincere, however, which is another topic. I know this is not going to be easy, sister, but I have confidence in you that you can stop what appears to be a poor decision as a result of bullying and wanting to fit in.
Check out this counseling video:
The problem with all of this is that if you did keep talking with this boy, you would be virtually letting those who bullied you win – by sacrificing your beliefs, your relationship with Allah (swt) as well as your own self-worth. You are better than that.
You state that “I am sure I will not be doing zina, but since I also have feelings for him, I can’t let him do that act neither with me, nor with anybody else”. Sister, we cannot be sure of any of our responses, especially at a time in your life wherein you are most vulnerable. You are at risk.
Additionally, you are not responsible if this boy does an “act with other females”. It should not be your concern. I know you care for him, and I know it hurts, but you must let him go dear sister and return to who you truly are – a beautiful, pious, young Muslimah. Don’t let the after affects of bullying lead you this far away from Islam. It’s not worth it!
Please do speak with your parents, get counseling, cut off relations with this boy and focus on building up your self-esteem and confidence through true Muslim friends and activities. Once you begin to heal from the trauma you have been going through, and can see more clearly, you will be thankful that you did cut him off, in sha’ Allah.
You are in our prayers dear sister. Please let us know how you are doing.
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
