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I Have a Crush on Two Girls

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Mar 18, 2018

Question

Last year, I made two female best friends but kept them hidden from my parents since I wanted to wait for some time before telling it. One of my besties was a girl whom I had a crush on a few years back and the other was a stranger. Gradually, I fell in love with the other one as well. I was equally attached to both of them, but I was never rude to the anyone. When I confessed one girl that I love the other best friend, she told me she doesn’t want any relationship because for her I am her best friend only. She said if I loved the other one, I should marry her. Eventually, I told my aunt about her and my aunt loved her and she talked to her. She said that we could get married in the future but now just be this way, but no girlfriend-boyfriend. All of a sudden, the other girl left us and I never knew why. She got new friends. I was frustrated and broken. This girl I confessed my love to stood beside me and she managed to handle me. I wanted to meet her again. We managed to meet at her house. We talked a lot and even took some selfies. We did not do anything wrong. Somehow, my father got to see those pictures. He also got to know about my friendship with the other girl. He got really angry at me. My parents are a little bit strict. He explained that what I did was wrong and I should focus on my career. I do feel bad about it. The girl came to know about this incident and called my father and talked to him. She said that we weren’t doing anything wrong. All this happened due to my stupidity as I was forcing this meeting with her, not she. Now the thing is that despite she is always being there for me, helping me, loving me, I am rude to her. I cut her off. I ignore her and go behind the first best friend who left us. This is bad. What shall I do?

Counselor

Answer


I Have a Crush on Two Girls

In this counseling answer:

“Keeping in mind that contact with these females is causing problems for obvious reasons at the moment, if it is not that you are seeking marriage to them then you should really avoid being with them anyway. However, naturally humans are social beings and we need social contact with others to remain psychologically healthy. You can obtain this by seeking friendship with others in a more permissible way, i. e. with other brothers.”


Wa Alaikum salaam wa Rahmatullah wa barakatuh brother,

It is clear here that your friendships with these girls have caused many difficulties along the way, from affecting your friendships with others, to relations with your own family (your dad) after they found out about these relationships.

Avoid lone contact with non-mahram females

From your experience, it is possible to see how being alone with females that you are not the mahram of can cause problems. Islamically, we are advised against being in situations like this without someone else present and I think you can see why this is the case as it can cause problems.

Satisfy your needs the halal way

If you have strong desire to fulfill your needs that come with having a spouse, then quite simply you could seek marriage at this point. Whilst not necessarily ideal since you are young and haven’t yet completed your studies, it is still possible. This way you will not be tempted to seek friendships that will not be good for you as you will be able to openly have a friendship and develop the close relationship that you desire in a halal way. Perhaps this is something you could discuss with your father.

Fast

It is said from Islamic sources that if one has desires that can only be fulfilled correctly through marriage but you are unable to get married, then you should fast as a means to control these desires.

Therefore, if it is not possible for you to marry at this point then you might consider fasting as a means to refrain from acts that are not permissible such as being alone with any of these girls. It is also a means of increasing God-consciousness which will lead you to make better decisions that will be more pleasing to Him.

Seek friendships the halal way

Keeping in mind that contact with these females is causing problems for obvious reasons at the moment, if it is not that you are seeking marriage to them then you should really avoid being with them anyway.

However, naturally humans are social beings and we need social contact with others to remain psychologically healthy. You can obtain this by seeking friendship with others in a more permissible way, i. e. with other brothers. Therefore, it is recommended that you seek friendships with brothers rather than sisters. You might seek such friendships in groups with shared interests, or at the local mosque for example as starting points.

May Allah guide you on the straight path and grant you a righteous spouse when the time is right.

Salam,

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Hannah Morris

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)

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