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Friend Cut Me Off When I Put On the Niqab

05 February, 2017
Q One of my best friends took me under her wing after I reverted and became a mentor/friend to me. For the last two years our relationship worked because I never opposed anything she said even if I disagreed. A few months ago I felt Allah guiding me towards wearing niqab. I told this friend about it and she convinced me that I was wrong. I became depressed because I felt that I had trusted Allah's creation over him. Last month, I decided that I was going to follow what Allah was telling me to do. Since then my iman has stopped going up and down, my depression is gone, and I am praying and reading quran every day. However, my friend cut me off when I refused to listen to her again. She told me that I was extreme and ignorant of niqab saying it was only for exceedingly beautiful women. She also insulted me as a person. I made du'uaa for Allah to fix our friendship and a few days later she apologized. Now she casually makes insulting comments about niqabis and when I called her last night she spent almost half an hour telling me that I wrong about niqab, I was too quick in putting it on, how it wasn't fard (as I already know), and that I would not find a job. Even when I told her that Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) wives wore niqab and so did the women of the sahaba she told me I was different and not religious enough. She also said that the only scholars that supported niqab were wahabi (an insult to salafis) and went on to say that any sect other than sunni was the wrong sect. It was discouraging and made me depressed the entire night. I love her and don't want to cut her out of my life but I feel like I need to distance myself a little. She is having medical problems and I want to be there for her but I don't want to be insulted and ridiculed every time we interact. My own mother isn't even this pushy! I don't know what to do since she refuses to listen to what I have to say. I already told her when we speak I feel as if she is the only person who gets to express herself but she still hasn't changed. What is the halal way to end this?

Answer

Madiha Sadaf
05 February, 2017

Answer:

As-Salaamu ‘Alaikum dear sister,

Thank you for placing your trust in our ability to suggest a solution to your current situation.

I think the answer to your situation lies within the question you sent me. I can clearly see that you have immense love, respect, and gratitude for your best friend, and you do not want your friendship to end.

If such are your thoughts and feelings, then why are you letting her behavior be an obstacle in your friendship? You also mentioned that she has been undergoing medical procedures. Perhaps, it is the stress of undergoing such medical procedures which has transferred into a tone of anger towards you. We are only capable of opening and venting our anger and feelings towards those who are close to our hearts although we may not do it directly or intentionally.

Work, health, and family-related stress often do not surface in front of strangers or those who we do not hold close to our hearts. Therefore, do not be disappointed by the insults. Perhaps her anger and her contempt is only temporary. Perhaps her inability to understand your decision is the result of the background stress.

For any relationship to flourish, there needs to be effective and polite communication. Miscommunication is the killer of all relationships. Be it between spouses, parents, friends, or even relatives. Therefore, the best thing for you to do would be to put aside the hurtful comments that your friend has said and speak with her.

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Ask her the reasons behind not accepting your choice. Explain to her that it is an individual’s personal choice when it comes to worshipping Allah (swt). Have you told her your feelings about the niqab? Not the knowledge aspect behind the niqab, but rather the spiritual aspect which is making you feel closer to Allah (swt)? You need to change your approach when trying to explain her.

Another reason for her dismay towards your choice of wearing a niqab could potentially be for your own well-being. You mentioned that she feared you would not be able to get a job and face other problems. Perhaps she felt that it would jeopardize your future career goals.

You will need to sit with her and explain her your thoughts rather than feeling depressed by her thoughts. Explain to her, use the Quran and the Sunnah, and tell her that when a servant tries to get close to Allah (swt), in any means which they themselves consider to be right, in the light of the Quran and the Sunnah, Allah (swt) will make a way out for them from any possible difficulty.

Also sister, it is not compulsory to wear a niqab. Your friend is not entirely wrong when she says that wearing a niqab is not an obligation. A scholar’s answer to a similar question can be found here. Therefore, you need to emphasize the importance it has on you, for her to understand your stand on it.

You must also realize that your best friend was a mentor to you when you had decided to convert to Islam. You were new to the religion and new to everything. However, she stood by your side and wanted the best for you. You must acknowledge her efforts.

Lastly, you must not let your imaan suffer under any circumstances. Things happen. Our life is not a smooth line. There are most certainly ups and downs, and these variabilities should instead bring us closer to Allah (swt) as they are an indication that we are never in control of anything.

In the Quran Allah (swt) says,

“O you who have believed, seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, Allah is with the patient.” (2:153)

You mentioned that when you made du’aa’ to Allah (swt), your friend apologized for the comments and insults she has made. Therefore, I would advise you to continue doing the same.

I hope my answer will benefit your relationship and remove the potential sources of unhappiness you felt towards your best friend whom you love so dearly. I wish you all the best. May Allah (swt)ease all your affairs.

Salam,

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