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I Feel Bad Turning His Proposal Down

Questioner

Z

Reply Date

Aug 20, 2018

Question

As-Salam alaykum. I recently turned down a pious boy’s proposal for marriage because I didn’t feel like I loved him and I wasn’t attracted to him. It hurts me because it seems he took it in a bad way. He puts profile pictures which have direct, hurting messages for me. We no longer talk. How can I handle such a situation in an Islamic manner?

Counselor

Answer


I Feel Bad Turning His Proposal Down

As Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,

Often times, men take it personal when they offer a marriage proposal and are turned down. I guess, who wouldn’t be, right? But it seems he may be taking it to extremes from what you stated about his profile pictures. However, as you said “no” to the proposal, I am wondering why you are checking his profile status? Also, in what way are you interpreting that it relates to you? You did not elaborate on this point; therefore, I am confused about its content and if, in fact, it is about you.

Perhaps you are reading something into it that is not there? In any event, dear sister, you did say no, so I would kindly suggest that you move on and stop looking for him online. Please, focus on yourself, your current life situation in terms of what it is you need to be doing (school, career, family, etc.)

As far as what you can do Islamically, while I am not a scholar, I can suggest that you do not fixate on this situation. When you said no, you closed that door for marriage and there is nothing you should feel bad about! We are all entitled to marry one whom we feel we will be compatible with.

I admire your insight into your own feelings and your thoughtful consideration as to whether this would be a happy marriage for you. Many times women just marry for the sake of being married and everyone ends up unhappy. In sha’ Allah, you will find the one who Allah (swt) has for you, the one who is compatible, as will the young man who asked for your hand in marriage. He, too, in sha’ Allah will find the right one as well. While none of us like to hurt people, sister, it is better to be honest (as you were) and experiences a brief time of sadness and pain rather than a lifetime of it due to a bad decision.

As long as you kindly refused his proposal in an Islamic way, the outcome, or the way he chooses to feel about it or act afterward, is not your responsibility. I kindly suggest, dear sister, that you move on, stop worrying about his activities, stop looking at his social media pages, and try to accept the fact that for both of you, this was the best decision. While he might not appreciate your refusal now, he will in the future, in sha’ Allah, as no one wants to be married to someone who does not really love them, or be trapped in an unhealthy marriage.

You did the right thing, now just let go and move on with your life, as he will too very soon!

We wish you the best, sister. You are in our prayers.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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