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Falling in Love with a Christian Girl, Any Advice?

12 June, 2017
Q I'm 16 years old and I fell in love with a Christian girl in the same age. We've been talking to each other at school and on the phone and I've never done anything haram to her like kiss or touch her etc..She understands that we can't date and knows our rules to marriage in Islam. She's confused because she said she'll go as far as getting married but her pastor told her it's a sin to be with a Muslim. I'm trying to convince her it's not wrong and I honestly don't know what to do. I sent an email to a sheikh and he told me it's a sin to talk to her because she's a complete stranger. I don't really understand that and I need your help. I know a Muslim guy can marry a Christian woman but there are rules to it. Can you explain to me everything because I'm lost as well? All the questions I have are 1) why did the sheikh tell me I'm sinful? I didn't do anything wrong. 2) what should I do next because she loves me and I do too, are there any other options? I know it's gonna be hard. I know I'm too young to be thinking about marriage at this age and I know our decisions as teenagers will change but I'm responsible. I'm not saying I'm trying to get married now. She has been crying every day because she doesn't know what to do and I just want the best for her.

Answer


In this counseling answer:

Muslim men are allowed to marry women of the Books (Christian, Jewish) as long as they are practicing women. But the counselor advises the questioner to cut off speaking with the girl until they are both 18. So they will be able to focus on their studies better and reduce the chances of getting involved in something haram. He may suggest to her that she study Islam to gain a better knowledge of who he is as a Muslim. She may even see the light of Islam and take shahadda.


 

As salamu alaykum brother,

I am sorry to hear of the emotional turmoil you have been going through.  I will say however that I am happy to hear that you have not done anything with this girl because at your age it is so easy for our emotions to get the best of us and fall into a sinful state.  Perhaps that is what the shaykh was referring to I am not sure.  Please do refer to our ‘Ask the Scholar” section if you still have questions.  I am not an Islamic scholar,  however, while it is not a sin to talk to someone as long as the conversation is of halal content, it should be limited or in the presence of a guardian such as a parent.

This is to avoid the possibility of anything haram happening or being said.  People talk to the opposite sex every day.  In school, in business dealings, at charity functions, at fundraisers,  cooperate meetings and so forth.  The issue is where is the line drawn regarding the content of the conversation when talking to the opposite sex.  That would depend upon what kind of a conversation you are having, and only you know what was said between you and this girl.  Additionally, as you know having conversations alone with her is forbidden in Islam.  However, as you said you talked in school and on the phone insha’Allah you were around schoolmates or family.

Based on what you said, she appears to be a practicing Christian so yes, when you both are older she is permissible for you to marry.  Muslim men are allowed to marry women of the Books (Christian, Jewish) as long as they are practicing women.  Why her pastor said it was a sin to marry you would depend on what denomination of Christian she is.  Just like in Islam Muslim women must marry Muslim men, possibly in her denomination of Christianity it is the same, but I am not sure.

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Brother, as you are not of age yet and neither is she, I would advise you to kindly cut off speaking with her until you are both 18.  While this option may hurt you both right now, please rest assure that if it is decreed by Allah it will not pass you.  You can explain to her that you care about her and because you do, you feel that if there is going to be any possible future together as a married couple, that it is best to wait until you are both of age.

By waiting to talk brother, you and she will be able to focus on your studies better, you will reduce the chances of getting involved in something you will regret and you both will be pleasing Allah.  You may suggest to her that during this 1-2 year period, that she study Islam to gain a better knowledge of who you are as a Muslim.  Insha’Allah she will see it is not a sin to marry you and she may even see the light of Islam and take shahadda,  We never know the blessings that can come from waiting for brother. shahadda,  We never know the blessings that can come from waiting for a brother.

If after you both graduate and chose to resume plans for marriage, you will be of legal age to properly pursue her in a halal way and she will be free to say yes without fear of retribution from her church or family, at least in the way of legalities.  I am confident you can do this knowing it will have a blessed outcome, in the end, no matter which way it goes.

We wish you the best brother, let us know how you are doing.

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha has a PhD in psychology, an MS in public health and a PsyD. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years at Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. She has worked with clients with mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, panic disorder, trauma, and OCD. She also facilitated support groups and provided specialized services for victims of domestic violence, HIV positive individuals, as well youth/teen issues. Aisha is certified in Mindfulness, Trauma Informed Care, Behavioral Management, Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and Confidentiality & Security. Aisha is also a Certified Life Coach, and Relationship Workshop facilitator. Aisha has a part-time Life Coaching practice in which she integrates the educational concepts of stress reduction, mindfulness, introspection, empowerment, self love and acceptance and spirituality to create a holistic healing journey for clients. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocates for prisoner rights/reentry, social & food justice, as well as advocating for an end to oppression & racism. In her spare time, Aisha enjoys her family, photography, nature, martial arts classes, Islamic studies, volunteering/charity work, as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.